Onward and upward

[mishka422]

Thanks Jeff. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some input on this.

I didn't realize Michelle did that in a letter. I'm going to have to look back through her posts again. I just have missed that.

How would I know when he is ready to hear me? I guess I'm really restless with feeling so stuck. I keep hearing this voice in my head telling me to "be still". I'm doing my best. I have a VERY impatient nature so that is really a challenge.

Jeff, you have been at this for so long (or so it seems). How do you continue with this? Where do you find your strength to not just chuck it all in?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, I'm "this close" to just chucking it in! I think the trick is that I've detached. In fact, at times I think I've detached too much! Also, there is the feeling of responsibility for the kids, which is huge. And the fact that while it wouldn't be nearly as hard on us as it would be on some folk, it would be a financial disaster for all of us.

Some things that's helped me, compared to a lot of people:
1. W has always been a good mom. Except for the relatively rare occasions where she lets her anger at me flow over to the kids. This has happened more often recently, which is making me consider whether the kids we be better off if we did separate.
2. Unless I am really mistaken, and W is really clever, there is absolutely no sign of an OP. If there was an OP, and things had gone on this long, it would be really hard to continue, I think.

In the past few months I've finally realized that I can't make her happy. It isn't my responsibility, and it is impossible. So, now I am really focusing on me, for the first time in years. Which is good, but at some point I think it is going to lead me to conclude that this is a stupid way to live. So, it's a two sided coin, I guess!

If you've got a voice saying "be still", go with it! When you feel like doing something, jump on here and post! I'm still trying to think of what you could do tomorrow to keep yourself busy....we'll come up with something!

(((((mishka)))))

[MichelleLT]

Here is a link to my letter. Letter

I was trying to validate and understand why he left. I also wanted to apologize for my %, however much or little it might be. I'm sure he thinks it's more than I do. Go to the thread prior to all the discussion leading up to it.

[mishka422]

Powerful letter Michelle. Thank you for linking it here. I went back and read the earlier posts leading up to it too and I see where you were coming from.

Still looking for something fun to do tonight but I think I'm going to be on my own.

Do you guys ever feel like all of your friends are tired of hearing from you even when you've been making a supreme effort to NOT bring up your sitch? I don't talk about it unless they ask me a question about it. It just seems like they have all pulled away from me, even my family.

My cousin, who is more like my sister than a cousin, has been going through an extreme amount of stress over the last 1.5 years both financially and health issues. I have been trying to find ways I can help her with her everyday stuff so she can have some down time. When I ask her what I can do to help her she always tells me that she doesn't have anything she needs help with. I know that isn't true but she won't let anyone help her. It's like she can't let go of even the simple things so she can deal with the more pressing issues. Yesterday, I asked again if she needed help. Her oldest son is getting married in July and I knew they were addressing and mailing all the wedding invites last night and this morning to hit the mail today. There are over 300 of them so it's going to take a while to address. I offered to come help with that, she said they had it covered. I offered to come help with anything else she might need done and she said she would call me later if she thought of anything. She never called.

What is the deal? I'm just making myself available to her. I know she's stressed. I guess it just hurts me because I need to feel that I'm useful to someone. Maybe that's it. She's not blowing me off but I feel blown off because I feel useless.

Hmmmm....I'll have to think on that.

Meanwhile, have to find something to do tonight. None of my friends want to do anything. Of course, they're all married so they're spending the evening with their H's and the women I know from my Divorce Care group have younger kids that they can't leave for the evening and no one can afford a babysitter.

My house is a total mess and extremely tiny, otherwise I'd invite them all over with their kids for movies and popcorn.

Anyone comes up with a fun idea for a cheap evening out alone, let me know!

[mishka422]

H is on his way over here to pick up S13 for the afternoon. I did tell him my plans fell through for the evening but only because he asked me what time I was leaving and I couldn't lie.

I'm looking as good as possible for a 91 degree, hot, nasty Georgia day. Hair done, make-up done and push-up bra firmly in place. I figured I'd put the girls out in front to greet H when he shows. Pretty shallow of me, I know, but I have to use the few assetts I have, right?

I absolutely, positively, have to find something to do tonight. I'm going nuts being stuck here with all the house cleaning surrounding me that needs to be done but I really feel the need to go out and have some fun. I just have no idea what to do. No ideas? Anyone? Help...........dying over here.

[MichelleLT]

Go to the gym? Go watch a movie at a friend's house (with her kids if necessary)? Call someone - old friend or a family member? Drink yourself into a stupor...oh wait, we said cheap didn't we?

[Virtually_Handsome]

I'm still thinking, Mishka!

No fair using the girls! I'm not thinking he is properly appreciative!

[MichelleLT]

Even more reason to use them! Appreciation requires thinking, oogling does not!!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hmmm, I can think or not, I'm flexible.....

[mishka422]

You guys are so great. Thank you.

I just did the thing I didn't want to do and now I think I'm going to receive D papers again.

H came to pick up S13. Usually I would just step out and wave to them as they left but I was next door at the neighbor's 3yr old's b-day party when he got here. I went over to say goodbye to my son and H got out of the car. He smelled so good and I told him so. He was wearing the cologne I love. It absolutely turns me on and makes me crazy. GEES! I chatted with him for a few minutes and then told him we really needed to get together to talk about a few things. He said he knew and I told him I wanted to ask him something important but I needed more time than just the few minutes while he was pickin up our son.

H - Well, can you just sum it up?
M - Not really.
H - Well try.
M - Ok. I want to ask for your forgiveness for my part in the disentigration of our M. I know I was not appreciative enough of you and didn't spend enough time with you. Our sex life had suffered a lot as well all because of my preoccupation with my mother's illness and S13's autism.
H - I'm sorry. I'm the one who screwed up the most.
M - I am asking you to forgive me. I'm not asking for an apology from you but I won't turn one down.
H - I don't think you have anything to ask for forgiveness for. You already told me you were sorry for neglecting our R but I'm the one that messed up and left and I can't forgive myself for that and I don't think you can forgive me.
M - I told you I forgive you. I have told you and showed you that I do.
H - I just don't see how that's possible.
M - Then please tell me, if you don't want our M then why don't you file again?
H - Why? If I file are you going to counter?
H - Because if you do then it's just going to cost us more money and take a long time.
M - I told you that I don't want a D but it doesn't really matter what I want. You're the one that doesn't want our M and I'm not going to D me for you.
H - *sigh*
H - I told you I'm sorry and I really screwed up.
M - Then change the behavior. If you are truly remorseful then change things. Move away from her. Don't you have a friend that needs a roomate?
H - - silent -
M - Tell me this. Does she support and uplift you?
H - What do you mean?
M - Does she make you feel like a better person? A new and more appreciated person?
H - We get along really good.
M - Ok. That's not what I asked. If that's how you're going to look at it, ok. That's all I needed to know. Goodbye.
H - *getting in the car w/S13 and sighing*
M - If you're happy now then that's all I want for you and there's nothing I can do.

H left with S13 to go to the "block party" in the city square in the next town over.

Of course, all of this was said through a lot of tears on my part and now I'm sure that I'm going to be getting D papers again soon.

I'm completely dying inside. I am afraid to call any of my friends now because I'm a mess. None of them want to spend time with me anyway it seems. I'm going to lay in my bed and stay there the rest of the afternoon.

So much for using the girls. I don't think he even noticed them.