Dear Tink and JenJam, Thank you for your powerful words of encouragement. Part of my inadequacy that I feel is due to my recurring thoughts of "I'll never be enough for him anyway". H always had a low sex drive but then I later found porn on the computer; something he denied "needing" or looking at. That's neither here nor there; I just have seen so much of H's supposed values become "whats the big deal" stuff in front of my eyes and sometimes worry that no matter how hard I try to get my own life, if/when H sees that he really does miss me I'll get another "shoe drop". I am very insecure right now. Shortly after he left me H went on a dating website which he later apologized for and went off of. It's just that when you marry someone, you want to be their best friend, and I feel like that friendship has to be repaired before we can even try to build a new one. I am trying. But I guess I need to be friends with myself too no matter what H does or doesn't do. Have any of you ever dealt with that kind of thing? I feel really silly even mentioning it because I know that many of you dealt with PA's and EA's; but I feel equally lacking in trust because of some of those other issues. This morning I just wondered if it was all worth it. I did follow your advice though and got outside to take a walk and just collect my thoughts. Then I found this great quotation from Audrey Hepburn that I think sums up what I want to aspire to in my new goal to care for myself and find worth in who I am. It was what she called "beauty tips" and it goes like this: (a wonderful poem) written by Audrey Hepburn when she was asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others." Isn't that COOL!? Thanks again you guys. I will re-commit myself to loving me first, and then try to let reconciliation run it's (slow) course with H!
