I begged and pleaded with you to work with me to make our marriage better. There were times when you said you would work on things only to change your mind a couple days later and say things couldn't be fixed. You went from threatening divorce one day to making insincere apologies and half-heartedly agreeing to work on our marriage only going back to the same madening behavior. You talk about our marriage from a biblical perspective and ask me to go to church and bible study but only when I said I have had enough. Before we separated you didn't give a second thought to what the Bible said about our marriage. You always read [censored] self-help marriage and relationship books but would never talk to me about our marriage. That doesn't make any sense. Who's marriage are you trying to fix? Not ours.You never made time for me, you refused to talk to me about important things, you witheld sex. You knew that having a dirty house and car upset me. You did what you wanted and what made you happy and [censored] everyone else. I never knew where I stood with you. I asked you to trust me and allow me to support our family financially while you stay home with the kids. Your solution was that I should just work more and rely on overtime and you could quit. You asked me to work to the point where I would never be home with you or the kids so that you could quit your job. You thought it was crazy that we move because it might require some sacrifice on your part. You're childish and selfish. You only think of yourself. You don't understand your role as a woman and a wife. You are not in charge and you can't control things. You tried and look where it got you. All I asked of you is to move with me so we could afford for you to stay home with our kids. I wanted for us to have more time together as a family. I wanted us to have more financial freedom. I wanted our children to grow up in a more conservative culture with more conservative schools and without the gangs, drugs and violence of Fresno. You said you didn't want to leave your family. I was your family. You left me. You questioned my motives and told me I was lying. You lied to me when we moved to Texas. You don't understand how much that hurt me. You never acknowledged the signifigance of that and it still bothers me. I can't trust you. You chose you over us. I asked you to respect me. You refused. I asked you to treat me lovingly. You said you would but didn't. You always want to work on things after I've left. You placated me by making promises with no intention of keeping them. It's manipulative and crazy. I was having chest tightness, IBS symptoms. I had a migraine and thought I was having a stroke for Christ's sake......All stress related. I have a stressful and dangerous enough profession without you [censored] with me all the time. All I wanted was to come home to my wife for peace and comfort. Instead I got strife and misery. I told you I didn't feel like you loved or respected me. That's how I felt since we got married. I need a wife who is going to understand how precious life is and know better than to waste it arguing about petty horse [censored]. I need a wife who will treat me like a man and act like a woman, not a ill behaved child. I told you this day would come. You didn't believe me and now it's here. I can't trust you. I begged and pleaded with you to do things a spouse should do without being asked like talk to me and spend time with me, treat me with respect (especially in front of our children) treat our home with respect and teach our children to do the same (instead of treating it like a garbage dump). You must think I'm some week minded idiot because I've put up with your bullshit for nearly eight years. It wasn't weakness, it was patience and love. I was hoping that if I was patient enough and tried everything there was and prayed hard enough that you would see my efforts and and understand that I loved you. I asked God to change your heart and make me a better man and husband. You haven't made any effort to treat me any different than you did when we first got married. And as a testiment to how pathetic our marriage has become after eight years we still have unresolved arguments that date back to when we first got married. I don't have much else to tell you. I don't think there's much left to say. I tried, I begged, I pleaded, I prayed, I cried, I made myself physically sick. I can't trust you and to much has happened.
Makes me feel like a f'ing monster.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
You are doing great (((Lady))) the DBing is going fantastic. I have come to believe that as long as the WAS is still willing to talk, there is still a chance.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
OK. Well, so you got the knee-jerk rejection letter. Now, I think you need to go dark and wait for him to come back to you. Rome wasn't built in a day.
More than ever, I believe the two of you need Retrouvaille. Why? Because Retrouvaille teaches both spouses how to write an effective letter. That was not a good letter. That was an accusatory, blaming, cursing, raking up the past letter. And you are not allowed to write such a letter at Retrouvaille. But you cannot tell him, "Oh, your letter breaks the rules." That's why it's so helpful. They tell him. They teach both of you. They set the rules of discussion, not argument. And guess what? Without argument, with understanding, you move forward. With conversation like this you dwell in the same spot and stay miserable forever.
Can it change? Absolutely. I've seen the change. I've lived it. But you have to get him to walk through the doors. So for now, go dark. No communication. He whipped your a$$. There's no reason to go back for more recrimination and accusations. If, and when, he softens (usually that comes, ironically, when he hardens, lol!) You can bring up that there is no point in the two of you talking to each other unaided. You only get into unproductive arguments. If he wants to try to fix this, then you need to sign up for a Retrouvaille weekend. And give him the dates.
The price is cheap. Though a better marriage is worth whatever someone would charge. But this is a Church-sponsored program that uses all volunteers. All you are asked to pay for is the cost of housing and food for the weekend. And that is just a request. They ask for a donation of what you can afford. Because this is their mission, to save marriages. And they do it because they care and want to help people. They are open to people of all religions, and don't preach religion. They teach marriage communication skills. Once you know how to talk to each other without getting into arguments, you'd be surprised what other problems you can solve together. Go to the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.com. Print the stuff on the stages of marriage. Find the best weekend for you. And wait. Wait for him to calm down.
ladybug, you didnt get what you would have preferred to see. However, you got a wonderful thing. Maybe, actually the best thing you could have gotten, for the long term.
What you have from him, is NOT a "knee-jerk letter". What you have, is a heartfelt cry of pain, that took a LOT of effort, and time, for him to write. A HUGE amount of effort. If there was no chance for your marriage, he would just have said, "piss off, I'm done". Or not replied at all.
That email from him, is a wonderful thing for your marriage.
I would suggest, that you take that email, print it out, tape it over your bed, and read it at least once a day. [yes, I really mean that. literally]. That email, tells you everything that you need to know, to have a better marriage with your husband.
------ You have, in the past, denigrated virtually every complaint that your husband made about you. That may make you feel better about yourself... but it kills your marriage.
I have a lot of suggestions for you, that I believe can work for you. but they all depend on whether you are mentally prepared to "fight for your marriage". where the biggest fight, is against yourself.
So, before anything else, let me ask you these questions:
1. Do you acknowlege everything your husband wrote, as true?
2. Are you willing to tell your husband that, and just apologise, with *no excuses*, and *no* "explanations" of your behaviour in the past?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, I certainly don't see that letter as a "wonderful thing" AT ALL. He's explaining himself OUT of our marriage, and explaining why HE'S DONE.
1. I can acknowledge that everything he wrote is true...my insticts want to explain a lot of it, so I don't come across as a complete bitch as the letter makes me sound.
2. I can tell him that with no excuses, but I don't think he wants to hear anything from me right now.
I'm siding with Sara in the going dark stage. I wrote a pretty good email, apoligizing for my words, and wanting to work with a marriage counselor, he replied, and now...it might be best to go dark.
Sara, I've looked into Retrouvaille. I would love to go, however, I think h wouldn't go for it. Simply because it's "catholic" based. I KNOW...we're Christians, and catholics are Christians, H just thinks they have some screwed up views. Also, I invited him to a Love & Respect seminar last Feb. (which was great) and he said "no way". He didn't want to work on things until he sees my changes. Now he doesn't want anything.
This is killing me. I have a song on my ipod from Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this Storm" and I've listened to it a thousand times this morning.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I can understand you not being happy about the email from him It's not enjoyable to be confronted with a list of things about yourself, that is "bad".
The reason why it is a GOOD thing... is that the first step in marriage counselling, is identifying why each party is unhappy. [You first have to identify WHAT is wrong, before you can work on making it RIGHT, yes?] That part can take weeks, if not months. But you have his side all done already! You're way ahead of the game!
His current attitude about your marriage right now, is negative. But the fact that you have a detailed list from him of why he is unhappy, is fantastic !!
Many people on here, would like to make their separated spouse happy, "if only they knew how".
You know how, now. So in that respect, you are doing so much better than other folks here! Take comfort in that.
'nuther post coming, with "solutions based" suggestions....
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, is it Ok to say "i love you" to you on these boards? You know, in a brotherly kinda way. Thanks for taking the time to help me.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I have read your last thread and this one. I see that your H has his point of view and will not consider any other. So there is not much point in arguing the finer points of things. But, Retrouvaille is presented to appeal to a Christian, not Catholic, audience. I think it says on the website that it is Christian-based. I am Jewish, but I got so much out of this program that I don't hesitate to recommend it. I understand, he has his reasons and they can't be changed. I do think that is too bad.
My husband and I were Katrina victims. Three trees fell on our house and smashed huge holes in the roof. We often compare how we felt when our home was destroyed to how we felt when our marriage was terrible. I can tell you that if I were stranded in that house after the storm, and a rescue boat or truck came along with a cross painted on the side, I would not hesitate for a moment to get in and take the help I was offered. I would not say, "no, I have to be rescued by my own group." I think that people who truly want help will take it wherever it comes from. So what that says to me is, he really doesn't want help. He doesn't want to solve this problem.
You cannot do it alone. In your last thread you said you would rather be alone than be subjected to the verbal abuse he gives you. What has changed? Why are you now willing to go to any length to save the marriage?
The one point I made over and over to my husband when we were in the misery, circular argument, venom-spewing stage that you are in now, was that it is a two-way street. Both people have to make an effort. Both people have to change.
I think he did spew a lot of venom in that letter. Maybe that will clear the air for him. However, if he wants to spew more venom at you, I would tell him that you heard him loud and clear, you understand, and you take it to heart. When you are both ready to work on the marriage, then you will do everything you can to make it work. But just one person? He wins; you lose? Only if that is a choice you are willing to live with the rest of your life. It is your decision.
No. I won't make a choice like that. What I'm trying to do is get into marriage counseling where we can both face our demons. I have a laudry list of things I'd like to see from him as well. I just need a platform where I can gently tell him my expectations at the right time. I just think he won't do it until I take the first step. I wouldn't accept him back in the house until I see those things either. This IS a two-way street. The verbal abuse is at the top of my list. I've already told him that that comes to an end. I don't deserve it, and I won't listen to it. That hasn't changed. I HAVE to put my foot down there for myself and my kids.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
