Bring on the Rain - Part 2

[SueS]

Hi Joie-

Thanks for coming by. You are right on so many things you said. My H is asking for my help. He said that he wondered if it would look better to the courts if HE looked at some sort of classes before his court date. Last night D4 was taking a "shot" of medication in one of those little cups they give you. He said....Down the Hatch. Then he said, I probably won't be saying that again. I said, not again or not soon. He mumbled something about not being able to take a risk. I wondered if that meant taking a risk of drinking and driving or if he was talking about just not drinking any more. I know my H. He's said many, many times that he's going to stop. He's even put a timeframe out there that he'll quit for and it's never stopped him. A few days later he'd find a reason to drink again. My H isn't the "I need it every day" alcoholic. He's the one that can't stop once he's started. He's the one that can't imagine having a good time without alcohol involved. When my dad quit drinking my H had the nerve to joke about how my dad wouldn't be any fun any more. Nevermind that my family had suffered for years due to my dad's drinking.....all that he could say was that it wouldn't be fun any more.

We received H's court information the other day. He has to appear on July 1st. He had originally thought about not getting an attorney, but now is thinking about it. I don't think he saw it as so serious the first day after it happened. However, after talking to him more about the consequenses, I think his thoughts might be changing.

The thought keeps running through my head about how I've gone through all these years of his drinking. I thought about how it would bother me if he quit and had a peaceful life with OW and that she'd never have to really see what I saw. Never understood why life with H was difficult at times. But, then I think about things. I can't see my H quitting. I just can't. Yes, for his sake & for D4's sake, I would love to see him quit. And, I know God has a plan for me. Regardless of what H does in the future with his drinking, I can't change what's happened in the past. I will have a good life and there's something better out there for me.

The past few nights have been quiet at home. H called me at work yesterday and asked if I'd be interested in going with him & D4 to "Walking with Dinosaurs" next Sat. He has to work this Sat., but he wants to take her next weekend. He called again before I left work asking a few other very minor questions. He was pretty quiet when he got home last night. I was sorting some of D4's old clothes and getting some other things ready to either sell or give away. I've been doing things like that and bringing home boxes. H hasn't really said much or seemed to know how to react. I don't think H & OW have found a place yet. She sent him a link to a place within the last week, but I don't think they've set any date or signed any lease. With the lack of communication on my H's plans, I probably won't know until the final day or unless I beat it out of him!

I took more steps yesterday in my move forward. I set up a moving van and talked to our current landlord about MY move out date. Trust me, these are really tough steps for me to be making. I have to push myself every step of the way. But, I know it has to be done.

Have a good one!

SueS

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, You sound so strong, and confident. I'll say it again, I am really proud of you.

Your H's failure to have a plan with OW doesn't surprise me in the least. Sure, it's fun to plan "the great escape" and look at web sites of places to live for their "love nest" - but do you really think the reality lives up to that fantasy? Not a chance. And by making your own moves, you're inadvertently forcing a change - from that fantasy "some wonderful day in the future" to that reality "next month, bucko". Maybe H isn't nearly as ready to face the hard, painful facts of packing up his life and moving as he would like to imagine. And maybe that is ten times harder for OW, who (as much as she seems to not care) still has to look into the faces of her own kids as she contemplates it.

The court date is similar, I think. The closer it comes to actually being His Day In Court, the less H can tell himself "Oh, it's no big deal, just a little slap on the wrist." Is that enough to get him sober? I doubt it - I don't think you overcome alcoholism with an attitude of "probably won't be saying that again". It's going to take some real motivation and conviction to keep him on the wagon. Maybe standing before the judge will do it - I sure hope so.

In the meantime, you keep your eye on the ball - taking care of yourself and D4. I could see him, when the going gets tough with the law, wanting to suck you back in for moral support. If that happens, just remember - it's all about him, and the days when "all about him" was good enough are over and done.

I'll be on vacation for the next week or so, and am not sure what kind of Internet access I'll have. I'll be thinking of you though - hang in there!

[SueS]

Rob-

Have a GREAT vacation. My family just started planning one for next summer (mom, dad, sister, nieces..) and I can't wait! It will be wonderful after this summer's events.

Thank you so much for the post. You always give me a way of looking at things that make me feel better.

Need to run. The weather's pretty bad here and the computers could shut down any minute! Lightening & Thunder!

Thanks- Sue

[SueS]

Picked up D4 from school today and she announced that she'd seen OW & OW's D5 again today. I wasn't surprised, but at the same time after the last time was amazed that H took her to see them again. The thought had run quickly through my mind yesterday, as I'd heard on the radio yesterday that the schools where OW lives would be getting out this afternoon. I thought about how today would be OW & H's last chance to do something like this before they make their big move. OW will have her other 3 kids home for the summer now. Not as easy to sneak off and try to snow your D5 that you're just "meeting a friend".

I called H when we got home. I asked him what I did to deserve to once again be blindsided by my own child and find out that she'd been with OW. He was quiet.

Me: It makes me feel like absolute sh*t to find this out....and from my own child.
H: I never intended for it to make you feel that way.
Me: H, can you just once put yourself in my shoes and imagine how it would feel if I did that?
H: I guess I kind of understand.
Me: Then why would you do that to me? Again?
Me: I've told you before and I'll say it again. I get it. I know you're moving on and so am I. But, in a way, it feels like I'm saying to OW....you won, you got my husband....Oh, now here's my child too.
H: That's not at all what it's like.
Me: Well that's how it feels when you just take her without me knowing.
H: Would you rather I call you and tell you that I'm meeting taking D4 to meet her?
Me: NO! I don't want her going at all!!
H: Fine. I won't do it again.
Me: I thought after the last time you wouldn't have done it a second time. Until we're split, I don't want her to see her.
H: Okay.
Me: H, my intention wasn't to call you at work and get into this, but you don't talk to me. I just need you to know how this makes me feel.
H: Okay.
Me: I guess I wish you'd have just one shred of respect for me. But, you've said before that you don't respect me.
H: That's not what I said.
Me: That's exactly what you said. You told me...Sue, I have no respect for you.
H: That's not how it should have come out. What I meant was that I haven't respected you the way I should have all these years.
Me: Well, it just hurts and I needed you to know that.
H: Okay.

We got off the phone after that. Don't know what this will do. In the past, incidents like this have caused H to scramble to be nice to me. He just doesn't get it.

SueS.

[SweetRedd]

Oh Sue.. I'm so sorry your H seems to just not "get it". He's SO lost I totally agree with Rob's post. Your H isn't facing reality and that reality is gonna bite when it hits him. He'll either hold on to you as much as he can, or he'll allow her to take on his responsibilities as you have all these years. Can you see this? I honestly don't think he's running to a soul mate.. he's running from the mess he's created and a new start. He just can't see he's gonna take his biggest problems with him!

Keep standing up for yourself and D4 and looking ahead. In your H's quest for freedom, fun and love he might just be guaranteeing that YOU'RE the one who'll have a chance to have that in your life. I don't think any of that's on the horizon for him and OW. HUGGGGGS! You go girl! on getting things set up for the move. I know that all of this is hard for you, but you're doing an amazing job. You're a wonderful woman Sue.. a great Mom, and although your H is blind, you've been a great W too. God does have a plan for you

Sheila

[lovelyolive]

Me: I've told you before and I'll say it again. I get it. I know you're moving on and so am I. But, in a way, it feels like I'm saying to OW....you won, you got my husband....Oh, now here's my child too.

SueS.. Just reading this makes my heart hurt. I think I've said those exact words to stbx. It is amazing to me that they just don't even come close to understanding how terribly wrong and hurtful this all is. It's bad enough that ow "wins" our H's and now they get time with our precious children. Just not right..

[fightingirish]

sues,

Im sorry, what a jerk... What the he$$ was he thinking??? he's wasn't obviously.

The only thing I can say is that you will soon not have to deal with this crap. It will be nice for you to be in a peaceful situation.



(((((hugs))))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Sue,

You mentioned that this happened before. What were the negative consequences for your husband when he did this the last time? Other than you voicing your anger and sadness to him, what happened?

I think you're right to let him know this is a boundary for you. But if he can cross it without anything other than angry words from you, without consequence, then it's really not a boundary at all.

Puppy

[SueS]

Boy, it's just one of those days where I just can't seem to wrap my mind completely around anything.

Our weekend was okay. H has been very, very quiet since Friday. He was decent on Thurs. evening after our conversation, but has been distant & quiet since then.

On Friday we all had dinner together. H & I watched a movie and that was pretty much the night. Sat. was fun for D4 and I. I took her to see "Kung Fu Panda". We had a good time. She was sweet and thanked me for taking her. She and I just did some bumming around for the afternoon. She was one tired little girl when I got her home. On Sun., she and I slept in pretty late. H even came into our rooms to see if we were okay. Sunday was spent cleaning & just getting some things done around the house.

As I said, H has been very, very quiet. He has an appointment with an attorney on Wed. morning regarding his DUI. He had a doctor's appointment this morning, but didn't want to talk to me about it. It's in regards to an issue he's been having personally. It bugs me a bit because it's been bothering him for the past 4 years, but he's taking care of it now. But, the other part smiles and says.....well, at least it wasn't that I didn't turn him on! Guys, I don't mean to make a joke out of it. It's just difficult for me that he's taking care of it now. Like I wasn't good enough or I didn't mean enough to him to have gone before. I did read though that those issues can be an underlying symptom of vascular problems, which is in H's family history.

H started looking for places himself. In the past, OW had been sending him links. Odd thing is though that he looked at 2 options. 3 bedrooms near OW and 2 bedrooms in our area.

Puppy, in answer to your question, I guess I didn't really set a boundary with H about him taking D4 near OW. I just told him how much it upset me. I'm not sure what, if anything, I could do if he does it again. It just angers me how much nerve these WAS & OP's have. I know that the OW in my sitch has convinced my H that living with her H is horrible. My H has commented several times how bad her H is and how horrible things are. My thought always was.......well, you didn't think he was too horrible when you were out golfing with him or out drinking & going to a concert with him.

Well, my mind needs to focus for the last 45 minutes of the work day.

Have a good one.

-SueS

[Sara]

Funny how it never crosses your H's mind that in a few years she will be telling someone else how horrible your H is to her. A complainer is a complainer. And it's not really an attractive trait.