my lawyer really gave me a 2x4 yesterday in terms of how scared I am acting.
what infuriates me is that the "charges" being made against my parenting all come after h left. believe me, I even surprised myself as to how well I have kept it together with d5. establishing our little routines together, bedtime, getting her ready for school, taking her to friend's house after daycare, taking little drives with her. always telling her how much daddy and I both love her. reassuring her always.
and isn't it normal for a lbs to be devistated when their h's say i don't love you, are having an affair and move out? doesn't this all have an effect on children? my h has had her on the weekends and it's all fun and games. when she comes home for the school weeks, I get the "fall out". the "when's daddy coming home, her not wanting to go to school, crying when she gets on the bus, her change in her behavior due to the situation which my therapist and child psychologist said is totally normal for a child to go through. it isn't about ME doing a bad job at parenting, it's about their confusion and fear of the new situation. my h and I bickered, but rarely fought and our home was tranquil and quite solid before he left. so it's extra confusing for d5 that he's gone and things are different.
but how does that make ME the bad parent? I have SO totally stepped up and have been so very there for my child during this. even when I totally didn't feel like it (like watching cartoons with her when I wanted to go to bed, or reading to her, or rubbing her back to help her fall asleep when I just wanted to go to bed and cry. but I didn't cry in front of her and always thought of her first, her needs through this rough time.
so in court, i'm hearing h's lawyer say to the judge that all this bad stuff happened after h left because h is the better parent and I her behavior, etc. is a reflection on my bad parenting. this is so screwed up. she's acting the way she is because she is scared and it's NORMAL for kids to go through this because all of a sudden both mommy and daddy and the world they knew had drastically changed. but how does that make ME a bad parent??
my h stole my journal the day after I caught him having the affair. why he did this, I don't know. fear?
He photocopied passages in the journal and kept them in his office.
my job is in marketing/sales (that's my background). the base salary is decent and so are the commissions. I won't get my first paycheck until july 1st.
I will see h tomorrow when I see d5. I will tell him that I need cash for the next two weeks. I will tell him this as calmly and as nicely as I can.
having a rough day. so scared of losing d5. but now I realize that I have to remain CALM while in the presence of the powers that be. very important.
I'm going to be pro-active this week by getting letters from my therapist and psychatrist (h is using my "mental health" card). I'm just very scared of the outcome and the thought of not having her sleeping in her bed upstairs is enough to make me sick.
You aren't going to lose your child. So stop worrying about that. You're making yourself crazy, and it's using too much emotion and energy that you need for other things.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
