so here's what I'm thinking. if h gets custody,there is no reason for me to stay upstate. I think I should move back to the city. I'm starting a new job on MOnday that's based in the city anyway (doing in online). as soon as I get money together, perhaps it will be best for me and then (if this is the custody arrangement), I'll drive upstate to see d5 on the weekends.
I can't live in this huge house alone. I can't walk past d5's room without sobbing. I feel like h has "won". my dad basically has paid for the divorce (papers were served today as well as motions) and even though the custody case isn't over and social services found h's "concerns" unfounded (win for me), we still have to meet with this child advocate on the 13th and d5 will be interviewed as well and h and I sep. I can't imagine what he will say. the only thing he really has "on me" are my journals that he stole and quotes that were completely taken out of context.
he stole my 401 money, god knows what he will do next and I feel defeated. he's won. he gets ow and possibly d5 and i can't take this anymore. h is meaner than mean and a liar to the 9th degree and I can't take it anymore.
what are your thoughts? should I just give up here? I don't want h back and have zero delusions that he will "come back". that's done. his lying and antics this past week have totally proven that he is either mentally ill, a sociopath and just doesn't care about me at all.
I have like50 dollars to my name until I get paid on June 1st and I am so scared it's not even funny. I just can't live in this huge house upstate alone without d5. she's my family. it's killng me that she isn't here.
I guess h won. he got what he wanted. he won't stop until he completely destroys me via financially, custody of d5, everything. I actually thought for a long time that he cared enough that he was supportive in my going back to school (he even helped me get in!) and NEVER until last week EVER said or indicated that he was concerned about my ability to parent d during the week. he called social services on me last week and it has been hell. even though they found it "unfounded", I feel like he is so evil, he will stop at nothing to destroy me.
so maybe I should just move back to nyc where I have lived for 20 years and accept that I will only see d5 on his terms.
so here's what I'm thinking. if h gets custody,there is no reason for me to stay upstate. I think I should move back to the city. I'm starting a new job on MOnday that's based in the city anyway (doing in online). as soon as I get money together, perhaps it will be best for me and then (if this is the custody arrangement), I'll drive upstate to see d5 on the weekends.
I can't live in this huge house alone. I can't walk past d5's room without sobbing. I feel like h has "won". my dad basically has paid for the divorce (papers were served today as well as motions) and even though the custody case isn't over and social services found h's "concerns" unfounded (win for me), we still have to meet with this child advocate on the 13th and d5 will be interviewed as well and h and I sep. I can't imagine what he will say. the only thing he really has "on me" are my journals that he stole and quotes that were completely taken out of context.
he stole my 401 money, god knows what he will do next and I feel defeated. he's won. he gets ow and possibly d5 and i can't take this anymore. h is meaner than mean and a liar to the 9th degree and I can't take it anymore.
what are your thoughts? should I just give up here? I don't want h back and have zero delusions that he will "come back". that's done. his lying and antics this past week have totally proven that he is either mentally ill, a sociopath and just doesn't care about me at all.
I have like50 dollars to my name until I get paid on June 1st and I am so scared it's not even funny. I just can't live in this huge house upstate alone without d5. she's my family. it's killng me that she isn't here.
I guess h won. he got what he wanted. he won't stop until he completely destroys me via financially, custody of d5, everything. I actually thought for a long time that he cared enough that he was supportive in my going back to school (he even helped me get in!) and NEVER until last week EVER said or indicated that he was concerned about my ability to parent d during the week. he called social services on me last week and it has been hell. even though they found it "unfounded", I feel like he is so evil, he will stop at nothing to destroy me.
so maybe I should just move back to nyc where I have lived for 20 years and accept that I will only see d5 on his terms.
he's won.
Ok, knock it off. You have had a bit of a win, and you act like you lost. Stop talking to him and talk only through lawyers. And don't even do a lot of that...because they're going to charge you.
Keep parenting well, the child advocate can see through a lot of crap too. That will be fine.
Now you and he will be at odds for a loooooooooooooooong time. You need a PMA. And you need a backup plan for your PMA. Your daughter needs you to have a PMA too. SO ENJOY THE WEEKEND. You don't need money for that. Get creative.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thank you for the 2x4. I don't know how to "knock it off", but I know I need to. you have to realize how mean and relentless h has become. I think he has serious financial issues (so does my dad and lawyer) and he will stop at nothing to get what he wants. I feel destroyed emotionally, financially, spiritually. I literally don't know how I'm going to survive for the next couple of weeks until I get paid.
I just talked to h (he called) and he said that my lawyer "misunderstood" about the 401 and that he hasn't received the money yet. there is now a motion filed in the courts that if he doesn't give me the money it's basically theft, but my lawyer said, that if he literally doesn't have the money to give (he spent it, etc), the "money" will have to come out in other ways like when/if we sell the house it will come out of that. I can't wait that long!
and the fact that he called social services on me and stole my car, even though I got it back, just shows me what he's capable of.
also, how can I be a "good parent" if she isn't here? I can only see her on sunday for 5 hours and wed for 3 (this is just for this week until case is decided.
Mary, What has happened this week is going to hurt your H's case waaaaaaay more than it hurts you! By sticking to you position, you've taken away the power he thought he had. Stay calm, and let your L work.
Remember, if he's talking, he's lying, he did it again on the 401k money. Trust your lawyer. Your H is going to try to hide the money, your L will be able to stop it. Be calm!
I feel destroyed emotionally, financially, spiritually. I literally don't know how I'm going to survive for the next couple of weeks until I get paid.
I have been in this place. I came to DB 2 relationships after my divorce, which was in 1994. My ex left me financially devastated....and THAT sent me into a depression...and kind of a breakdown, all of which did not serve me well.
You quickly need to change to a 'go with the flow' we'll get through this kind of mentality. ... because that's all that will serve YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. This environment may get worse before it gets better, but YOU don't have to!
And a beautiful thing is that we're here to help you with some skills and encouragement. My life would have been so different if I had had DB THEN.
What kind of work do you do?
You can get assistance with food and utilities, possibly even rent.
Call everyone you pay regularly and let them know what is going on. Don't be emotional or reactive, just tell them how it is, and don't make promises you can't keep. Tell them you will keep them informed. Ask them for suggestions.
RENT/UTILITIES: Call your COMMUNITY ACTION, Salvation Army, local churches, local Catholic Church's ST. VINCENT DEPAUL.
FOOD: Get public assistance if your income is fairly low. Go and find out what you qualify for, and TAKE IT. I had such a hard time with this. BUT IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY, and it will help you to be able to help your daughter. GO TO LOCAL CHURCHES.
LET PEOPLE KNOW your situation is tough....you will be surprised who will help (you will also be surprised at who doesn't).
ASK for help if there is someone to ask.
I got through this.....and realized there are blessings in being poor. And then you realize there are many folks who are truly the poorest of the poor. And it changes your life....and your child's for the better.
We lived on a college campus, I was going to school at the time. One of the things we would do is go to the local Super Walmart on the free student bus, even late at night (it was 24 hours). We hung out on campus, and there was a lot that was really cheap or free.
YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. STRONGER AND HAPPIER THAN EVER.
Save yourself as much of the emotional drama as you can.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I slept ok last night, but just feel so sad. the thought of not having d5 in her bed is so sad to me, I just want to sleep all day and I feel like it's too hard right now to GAL knowing there is a possiblity that I might not get custody.
I'm so angry at h for doing this. I do not deserve this. he left us and yeah, when he had her on weekends, it was all fun and games and during the week with me it was school, consoling her because she didn't understand where daddy was, the whole thing. when social services is involved, they make you feel like you are a bad mom and it makes me furious because I know h made the call as another one of his tactics. so I may lose her based on lies and out of context things I wrote in a journal -- I don't even know at this point.
how does one go on if they lose custody of their kids??
I see mothers in this town here and their kids are filthy and they live in filthy apartments (I've been in them). why do they get to keep their kids???
Your husband is using all the dirty tactics in the book to keep YOU unsettled.
It's in HIS favor if you are rattled, upset, terrified, nervous, depressed and listless. He is NOT acting in your best interests, he is your adversary. A husband loves and protects his wife. He is NOT acting like a husband. He's not someone you owe anything to while he's behaving in such a negative fashion.
Do NOT take his calls. Let them go to voicemail. Listen to the voicemail (if you feel you must) with a friend by your side. Let the law, the lawyer, your dad be your friend.
Your husband has a dastardly and destructive mind.
Protect yourself.
When you feel terrified (something he wants you to feel), turn it around. Repeat what you have that calms you.
Terror, anxiety, fear all build on each other and grow exponentially.
When you feel terror, do 10 pushups, walk a mile, do 30 jumping jacks. Let the emotion out in physical movement. Get it out of your head.
I idolized my spouse. He turned that around on me, manipulated conversations to get what he wanted, turned the blame on me. It took my lawyer whacking me about 5 times with a 2x4 to realize what she said was true. When I stopped having the conversations HE wanted, listened instead of responded to what he said I heard the BS. When I realized "it was all about him" my mindset became better.
Your husband is doing this to you, because it works!!!!!
How H is acting is awful. Nobody deserves what he is putting you through. I can only imagine your emotions. Using children as weapons is about as low as you can get. Just remember that the system favors keeping children with their mothers, and strongly favors both parents' right to have a healthy R with their children. The courts see a lot of crap pulled by a lot of vindictive people and they can see through a lot of bullsh*t people try to pull. And while there is a painful process that you have to go through, I think it would be shocking if you "lost" her. So just go through the process as calmly as you can and I bet when you come out the other side things will be much brighter than you are imagining right now.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
