One Day - you know I'm really bad at baby steps. I find it really tricky to think of what they would be and to be happy when they happen. I like giant leaps! Ha ha!! I guess a baby step is H actually turning up - anything after that is a bonus! It sure would be nice if we could laugh and have general chit chat - I know that I can control the mood, so I've got to work on that. It would also be nice if H didnt look too strained, and if at the end he said something like, he had a good time. Anything more is an expectation!
Several times now I feel like H & I have broken through that awkwardness and he is feeling comfortable being around me. But then the next time I see him he goes back to being all awkward, and so do I. To move this forward into stage 2 of friendship I think we really need to be connecting in a friendly way on a regular basis.
I guess a good way to do that is to mention things that we could do together, and give him the opportunity to contact me.
I think your list of baby steps is good. What about these extra ones:
- you and H laugh together about something - there is eye contact of some kind (doesn't have to be long or anything, just a bit) - you *might* see H look at you when you're not looking - H does something considerate, like passing you a napkin (maybe not that specifically, but along those lines) - you guys chat about normal stuff without any discomfort for 5 minutes - H smiles
I think those are things to work towards. It took 5 months of meeting up weekly and no OR talks before my H said he had a good time out with me, so maybe don't expect that too soon (just my experience though- your might be different).
I think the idea of mentioning things you could do together is a good one, but don't *expect* him to take them up and suggest things. I think I said it before too, but I really think your H is scared of asking you to do things. Maybe he thinks you don't want to see him, so getting together on Friday is a great 180!
Love the sound of the dress and boots- you're going to look so HOT!
Same here, I had regular 3-4 hour stilted visits since February and it wasnt until recently (April?/May even?) that he said to me that he had enjoyed his day out with me. Up until then, I met him weekly for 3 months and he never said anything!!!
So, you are really are starting on the bottom rung here, but a night out in a club, with drinks, is huge. If I wasnt so interested in someone, or was done, or well I dont know, but in that situation in the past I have just met them for an hour for a cup of tea in the day, definetly NOT an evening thing.
You need to let your barriers down a little and be open and friendly, perhaps you are protecting yourself when he is around and he is picking up on that? You need to be an actress! Thats how I got through all those early meetings in February AND March.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
my goal in your shoes would be to just have fun. I haven't even been on a date with my H yet and we talk everyday and see each other often. I think if I asked him to go out with me lik eyou did he would probably say no (I think I actually did and he did say no, LOL!!!).
Have fun, be easygoing, cool and let him feel that the fact that he agree to go out with you doesn't necessarily mean you 'll be asking for more. That's what relaxed my H (he is TOO relaxed now). You keep it simple, keep your eyes open for steps like Lisa described and when it's time to go, don't linger. Say good night, and walk away...
Good Luck K
Forget the issue with his cousin. Stick to the fact that he made a comment indirectly about you two.
- you and H laugh together about something - there is eye contact of some kind (doesn't have to be long or anything, just a bit)
OK these are great baby steps. We have laughed a lot together when we talk on the phone, but I will especially treasure it if we can do it in person. And I'm going to work on the eye contact - really looking him in the eye. Freak him out cackle cackle (evil laugh!) Thanks OD! Your the best!
Same here, I had regular 3-4 hour stilted visits since February and it wasnt until recently (April?/May even?) that he said to me that he had enjoyed his day out with me. Up until then, I met him weekly for 3 months and he never said anything!!!
Thanks for helping me lower my expectations. If you hadnt said that I would have been disappointed.... I would also have been disappointed if he didnt comment on how I look - I get that thats unreasonable!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenlyAlone
You need to let your barriers down a little and be open and friendly, perhaps you are protecting yourself when he is around and he is picking up on that? You need to be an actress! Thats how I got through all those early meetings in February AND March.
My barriers are so high - its really hard to even lower them slightly. And so I'm going to be an actress! Thanks for reminding me of that. I can act warm and open, even if I'm still scared underneath!
Thanks for reminding me and propping me up. I'm so going to DB the pants off him on Friday - and I will be thinking of you while I'm doing it!
So I hadn't heard from H over the weekend. And I was really starting to think he was going to back out of it. But I decided that I would just ring him and tell him how much fun the club is and how cool the band is and what a great night we are going to have (180 for me - instead of being defensive that really he doesnt want to go). We just had a great phone conversation. I managed to be happy and friendly the whole way through. We laughed. He sounded keen about Friday night. I told him part of a juicy story, and told him I would tell him the rest when i see him Friday night. I think its going to be good.
I have prepared neutral topics of conversation (its so amazing how many topics lead to R talks). So I've got 3 sport questions to ask him to get me out of a conversation heading towards a R conversation if needed. Any other suggestions are appreciated.
What I wonder is: Does he think that he could have me back whenever he wants? And therefore I'm less appealing? Should I not be worried about that at this stage? Is there anything i can do to send the message - I'm hot, and fun to be with, but I'm out of reach?? I kind of feel like: How many times do I have to get rejected before I get the message that its over?
Oh! Almost forgot. I mentioned to H that I'm having car and mobile phone troubles. And he offered to drop his old mobile phone around tomorrow so I can use it while I'm getting mine fixed. Its totally unnecessary - but I used it as an opportunity to thank him and for him to feel like he is my knight in shining amour.
I also have a few problems I'm going to subtly ask for his help for on Friday - e.g. a coffee machine that I've broken but I think he could fix. Will experiment!
And I also forgot to mention... all of a sudden eligible men are appearing everywhere. I must have gotten to the stage where friends are introducing me to their friends. Met some really sweet, interesting and cute guys this weekend. So many options! H has no idea what he is missing out on!
great new on the acts of service with H- how did it go with the phone drop today/yesterday for you?
I wanted to stop in and say GOOD LUCK for tonight at the Jazz club. I know you're going to be brilliant!! Just be you and the rest will follow- you're amazing!
I like the idea of experimenting with more things that H might be able to help with- maybe spread them out a bit- not all on one night
And great news about other eligible men presenting themselves. It's so good for the PMA!!
Heres my update. "date" with H went really well. If I could describe it in one word it would be 'comfortable'. He rang to say he would be late but arrived early - but that was the only sign that he showed of being nervous. i told him he looked great and asked if he had lost weight - he didn't comment on how I looked, but obviously the weight thing was good, because later on he told me how much weight he thought he had put on and how he was dieting. I assured him that he looked great and didnt need to worry. The jazz club was perfect because we didnt have to talk that much - its more like you are supposed to sit, listen and appreciate the music. And when we did talk we had to really lean in close and speak into each other's ear. I noticed that I quite naturally touched him on the arm etc a few times - and he didn't shrink away or look surprised. It all just felt really normal. We shared our food like we were an old married couple! We also laughed lots and quite a lot of eye contact (I made sure I looked him dead in the eye, instead of looking away). I also managed to bring up a few things to remind him of good times we had shared together. It was nice for me, and I hope for him.
It was quite a long night - 7 till 11pm, so I'm pleased that we were able to spend that amount of time together. He could have left, but he stayed till the end, and then asked for a lift closer into town so he could catch a cab. He said that he enjoyed the night (not really thanking me, or saying that he enjoyed seeing me, but saying that the music and venue was cool) and that he would see me around. So I guess there are tiny little baby steps in there.
The best part for me was that I felt really detached and unemotional about it - while I was with him and afterwards. I know I could fall back in love with him, but I also know I could move on with no regrets too. There weren't any sparks on my behalf, but there wasn't any awful tension either.
So my plan is now to wait and see what happens. I hope that it will make him miss me, and feel like I'm approachable. We will see what happens with the bathroom rennovations - I'm going to monitor if he's stepping up contact or withdrawing.
If nothing else we are just great friends and we have a great shared history and its nice to be able to maintain that even in the midst of separation and possible divorce.
(((Lisa, Kalni, T, Ali))) I was thinking of you girls when I was with H.
