Hi everyone. This post is hard for me because I wish I didn't even have the "wide-awakeness" to be writing it but I CANNOT sleep...I can't take the pain anymore. I spent all night tossing and turning about the state of limbo that I have been in for so long. I started to play it out in my head; that dreaded conversation. "Can we still be friends..", "no, how bout, 'honey I just can't go on like this', "no, '[H], "I want to be in a relationship and you dont"...Ahhhh! In my mind it doesn't even sound right...but I'm so unhappy. I feel like telling H I am going to file for divorce will offer me some relief. I have no self respect left; no dignity; no feelings of worth. I don't even know why I am saying all this at 5:52am to all of you; maybe I want you to tell me to hang in there. Deep down I still love H and want to see great things happen if I just hang on; but deep down I wonder if that's really realistic. So much has happened that my sense of betrayal is still very deep. H does not seem bothered in the least about the opposite direction he's taken from what real marriage is; and I miss it...marriage that is. Maybe you will all tell me "It's time", maybe you'll say "hang in there"...but say something. Am I the only one to be this mentally tortured by such nothingness? Please help. I need the support. And by the way, I am posting now b/c I came VERY close to calling H and just spilling the beans about all this. But I figured I'd give you guys a try with it first.
