H is having affair after all - part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

I am sure that he did love you and probably still does. He's just totally self-centered right now and unable to be loving. . . .

Don't apologize for negative reactions - they are NORMAL! And, probably healthy in helping you to let go and detach. They are only a problem if they turn into bitterness. You will process what is happening and grow stronger and wiser from it.

[Evie]

H is growing and becoming more distant. The medium is text or email now and that is getting less.

I realised in the week that H hasn't loved me for years, i think this is really sad and sadder that he couldn't talk to me about it. I think he felt like this way before ow came onto the scene.

I had begun to blame myself b/c its my second M that has gone wrong after about 4 years. What do i do? Do i chance after having children? Is it b/c i stopped him doing his heli-skiing trip and moaned everytime he spent money?.

I do believe however, it was a circle, his lack of support when s2 was born and afterwards his emotional withdrawel from me, my reaction to that was scarcasm and passive aggressive behaviour. I wish i had recognised the signs back then and found DB, i may have had a chance at turning things round.

Maybe he didn't love me enough to fight for us or maybe he didn't think us worth it?

Now he seems to hate me, he wants the house and divorce wrapped up as soon as possible to be able to move on. I can't it, he seems to really hate me. He isn't the man I met or married. I wish he was strong enough to want to fight for this R.

He wants to meet up asap to discuss what we have discussed with the solicitors. I have got all my documents ready to return to her.

On a positive note, D1 &2 and S1 and I ran in 'the race for life' today, it's a 5K charity run for cancer and i have been looking into a college course to start in september.

I just feel flat, empty, loveless, like i'll never be loved again. I know i'll manage on my own, but I wonder if i'll ever have anyone who will hold me again.

[saffie]

Evie,

I am so sorry you feel this way.

I have been run off my feet the last couple of weeks but I promise to try to email you tomorrow.

(((((((HUGS))))))

[seekpeaceofmind]

Maybe he didn't love me enough to fight for us or maybe he didn't think us worth it?

I torment myself w/ this kind of thinking, too - I'm sure most LBS do, you'd have to have a pretty strong ego not to. But that's where C and friends have really helped. Plus all of my reading! I was almost laughing at myself this w/e realizing th I am trying to study my way out of this pain. But, what I always come back around to is th my H simply doesn't seem to have the emotional ability to sustain a commitment - he expects it to be easier and can't handle the vulnerability of making mistakes, of being angry or hurt, etc. It's not a lack of love. It's inward, not outward. I wld guess th your H is the same way. Maybe he hates you - but I think it is more likely th he hates what he is doing and th is why he acts as he does. Every time he says "I'm not a b*st*rd" - you have to wonder who he is trying to convince.

I just feel flat, empty, loveless, like i'll never be loved again. I know i'll manage on my own, but I wonder if i'll ever have anyone who will hold me again.

Right there w/ ya - it's not a good feeling, but I think we both know it will pass. I'm trying really hard to concentrate on the present and let the future take care of itself.

[Jen_Jam]

oh (((((Eve)))))

Sorry I've not been about either. You WILL love again. Life is bad now but it won't always be so. I'm sorry you feel so low and I'm really sorry there is no progress with H.

"Every time he says "I'm not a b*st*rd" - you have to wonder who he is trying to convince. " - I agree with Seek here too. Your H doesn't come over as a bad person, so he's likely to be feeling awful too.

But I'm glad you put your positive notes in as well - you are going to need these, keep up that good work.

ake care and "speak" soon

JJ x

[Evie]

Thanks girls for your postive vibes and comments. I really do appreciate it.

The week was going well, H wanted to sit down and discuss solictors and moving forward, which i admit i am no rush to do.

I said i couldn't sit down this week as i'm busy and i also didn't want to discuss things whilst teh kids were about, so H suggested we go out to a pub, which works for me as its neutral terretory.

I have a business card back now to use and H said to me - 'lets agree not to spend on the card other than for diesal' - so i said ok. I opened up a bank statement last night and there was a bill for a restuarent and £140.00 printer!! I text h and said it seems unfair when you tell me not to spend on the account but you do.

He phoned me to say he will pay the money back into the accvount for the restaurent, his current account card had been declined and so had used the business card in an emergency, but he said he needed the printer!!

Things got completely out of hand and his usual anger and resentments came up.

It now seems i'm in the wrong for sitting in the house and using delaying tactics to avoid sitting down with him. He said he wanted the printer, but if i needed anything for the business i could have it. I said there is a huge difference between wanting and needing and that he doesn't need a printer as he doesn't run the admin side of the business. He couldn't understand where i was coming from.

He said he wanted the printer to print of photos of the boys on outings when i wasn't there and to make an album up for my xmas present. I replied that i didn't want photos of the boys when I wasn't with them, that he had no idea how hurtful it was to see them doing things that we should have being doing as a family.

He said we failed because we didn't have our weekends away anymore and because of teh girls dad.

Without trying to sound angry or accusationary i said we failed because our R wasn't nurtured, cherished or valued. He said it takes two, i agreed and said i tried but he checked out of the M years ago and that he didn't love me enough to try or to try and talk to me.

He has reconnected with his 'friend' (the one he said he had lost all respect for) and he had listened to him telling him about some friends of his, the h is a gambler and taking drugs and has smashed the house and her car up. H said he thought he was a bas**ard until he listened to what the wife was going through. I couldn't believe it. So its ok to have an A and then resent the fact that your wife is reluctant to leave the home and financially he's struggling? he said loads of other things but this is the gist.

I feel I cant stand up for myself for fear of retribution. I did tell him i felt he had resentment issues and was obvioulsy very angry with me.

God, i feel like total sh*t this morning.

[saffie]

Eve,

He is trying to manipulate you - stand your ground - you know inside what's true. If he's that hard up he shouldn't have bought the printer. He is acting like a cornered rat and taking all his angst out on you - it's not fair.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[Jen_Jam]

I feel sorry for your H. From where I am standing it looks as if he is blaming YOU for just about everything. When he married you he KNEW you had 2 d's and they have a dad. Sorry but you didn't fool him.

He's saying it takes two but he doesn't seem to believe that. He is in full on alien mode.

Eve you've got a big job on your hands with that alien. I think you're doing well. You are standing up for yourself without getting angry. That IS hard to do and I admire you for managing it.

Your H will need to beam back down to earth but you can't control how and when he does that. Remember that, it's not your fault he's like this, you didn't MAKE him do or not do anything. If I were in your shoes I would have a first goal of maintaining a friendship with H, but I know from experience having a friendship with an alien can be so hard. There are things I say now that if I said when H was in alien mode it would spark off a full scale riot. Eggshells puts it mildly!

I hope you feel a bit better as the day goes on. I'll try and drop you a mail later if work isn't too manic. In the meantime, take care of your lovely self (((((Eve)))))

[Evie]

Thanks girls for support and a light in the tunnel today.

I think H hates the very air that i breath and the ground that i walk on. I shall proceed with caution from now, bc its not worth saying anything, he believes i am to blame for everything.

He wasn't happy in his bedsit and now he's not happy in his flat, he wants a house. He wants everything I have in the house, i think materially, but i wonder if he would be happy then?

Something snapped with me on Wednesday, I can't be bothered with him anymore, he's totally unreasonale, I'll be civil, but i lost a lot of respect for him after what he said, the way he said it and his anger. I really don't need it.

Jen - what did you mean when you said he was 'full on in Alien mode?'

[Jen_Jam]

Jen - what did you mean when you said he was 'full on in Alien mode?'

This started in the DR book. In a M crisis, it can feel like your other healf has been abducted and replaced by an alien. Their behaviour and the things they say are often so far removed from the person they have usually been.

It helped me to imagine my H had been replaced by an alien, that his hurtful words and actions weren't the REAL him but those of the alien who had taken over his body. It helped me to not hate him. I actually told him about this a few months ago and he liked the analogy, it meant that I understood the REAL him wasn't the one telling me he didn't care about my feelings and the one who was saying we shouldn't be married.

Aliens can say some mean and hurtful things and at times some downright crazy stuff! There is a thread in the Just for Fun forum in which people have listed out some of the things they have heard from their WAS's. I think it's a good thread as it shows 1. you are not alone in this and 2. it really exposes in a detached way how daft some of these things they say are, which in turn helps the LBS to deal with it and not take it personally.

So - it's really hard to be even just friends with an alien. They can take everything you say and twist it round and round .... sigh, it's really draining, i know. But it's not impossible! What are your H's good points?