A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[1hope]

Twin,

You're right. The rejection is so hard. And not being able to see my friends is lonely too. To counter I am keeping myself busy with other stuff.

My girlfriend and I had a nice time last night at the movie. We were able to talk before and after and that helped. She didn't think it was fair for him to set the pub as off limits to me, because so many of my/our friends are there. She thinks that it is a kind of control issue with him right now, and that sometime soon I should stop in and have a glass of wine if she and her hysband are there. She also agrees that he won't make himself look like a fool in front of our friends.

[TwinDad]

I am glad you are able to get out. That has always been one of my short comings. I have fun when I get out there, my problem is most of my friends are actually my W friends. I'm glad a I have started to make some friends here though.

It is definitely a control issue with him, but I imiagine he probably feels very much out of control....hence the mood swings, the partying etc. I look at it this way: better the devil you know then the one you don't. At least you know what is going on at this pub. I agree with your friend though it probably wouldn't hurt to stop by every once in a while for a glass of wine. I wouldn't make a habit of it though because he will say you are trying to control him....how is that for having the tables turned

[1hope]

Isn't it funny how the longer you're together your friends become mostly mutual? All of "our" friends were my friends, and they all love me very much. We were all a very close and supportive group last summer when I was ill. That's why his rejection of me from our "group" stings so much. And it's confusing, because the few times that I have ventured out to do something at a different location with business associates, he becomes questioning and snide. That would be the control, he wants to know that I am at home....waiting.

I probably will stop in for a glass of wine, and then just leave. Maybe Friday evening. My girlfriend and I have a retirement party to attend after work. We can stop in at the pub on the way home. I'll have to see. I've learned to keep things pretty loose. If I am not feeling calm I will probably just go home.

[TwinDad]

It is pretty funny how your lives become intertwined. The funny part is that "her" friends are all telling me things I should do to get her back. I guess they think I am pretty good for her

I probably should have some more of my own friends here, but when I first moved down here, I worked with people that were much older than me and even then we had no common hobbies. The we met and her brother became my best friend in the area.

And it's confusing, because the few times that I have ventured out to do something at a different location with business associates, he becomes questioning and snide. That would be the control, he wants to know that I am at home....waiting.

I know what you mean, my first attempt at GAL was being invited to our ex-SIL (her brothers xW) and her husbands for dinner. I told her about it and she got all angry. I didn't even talk about our R with them either. It is a control thing. They want to figure themselves out with the comfort of knowing they have a safety blanket to fall back on. I think deep down they are very scared and confused of everything (of their life being this way, of their life being different, etc)

I know it is bad for us, but I imagine it must be rough for them being completely out of balance on the inside even though they are the ones in "control"

[1hope]

I know what you mean, my first attempt at GAL was being invited to our ex-SIL (her brothers xW) and her husbands for dinner. I told her about it and she got all angry. I didn't even talk about our R with them either.

Since it was her brother's xW she may have felt like the X's were forming an alliance. Unless you and W remained close to your xSIL, then maybe your W felt left out? She probably didn't believe that you wouldn't discuss your R with her. I know my H wouldn't believe it wasn't being discussed.

I have noticed since he started this rollercoaster he is VERY paranoid. Every little thing is only about him. Last night I passed our partially open bedroom door and he accused me of looking in at him thru the crack! You'll be proud that I didn't laugh

I can't imagine being so out of balance and in so much pain that I would try to destroy my whole world. I know that I would try and get some help first.

I feel bad for H, and Thank God that I found this site.

[TwinDad]

Yeah you are probably right. We have socialized with them several times over the last few years as a couple. My W is a little paranoid.

I actually appologized a little the next day, saying something like, I should have realized that may have been sensitive to you, etc, etc.

The good news is that we were all over the same house for a party this past weekend and it went well.

I can't imagine being so out of balance and in so much pain that I would try to destroy my whole world. I know that I would try and get some help first.

I feel bad for H, and Thank God that I found this site.

I don't get it either. I guess they figured they have found the problem.....us. Eventually they figure it out for real though (I hope). I can't tell you how glad I am that I found this site....it is like a lifeline to sanity

[1hope]

Sanity is it exactly!

The weekend before I found the DB book (and then this site) I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom - seriously contemplating driving to the hospital and asking to be checked in. I couldn't handle things.

Now I feel that I can. It is so good to find others that have/are going thru the same thing. I am not alone, and I am not crazy. I am not the cause of what H is feeling or how he is acting!

I am charting goals and recording positive steps. I have somewhere to turn when things get upsidedown. I have an alternative to friends that only say D him, you deserve better.

I'm so glad you had a good time at the house party. Having positive things sure helps counter the rougher times.

[TwinDad]

Hey Hope,

I hope your "visit" to the pub goes well tonight and that you have a great DB weekend!

Best Wishes

[1hope]

Morning Twin,

My heart was in my throat, but I did it! For the most part the visit went well. GF and I didn't get there til almost 8 p.m. and when we walked in all of our friends were there. I think H was surprised to see me, but everyone else was making such a fuss, giving me hugs and kisses, "where ya been?" etc that my focus was not on him. GF and put our purses down on an empty table behind were H was sitting and started to mingle. H turned to me and said there is an empty chair next to me, sit here. So I did, but I was up and moving around a lot too. It went well until the single friend that I suspect is rallying for our marriage demise came in. H was up and visiting a table of pretty young girls, he had been at that table when GF and I walked in. I noticed, but didn't say anything about it, and when H sat by me he went to great effort to remind me that the one girl was so & so's wife and they just had their drive paved, he was discussing that with her. I knew he was trying to make me feel comfortable, that he didn't want me to think he was "hitting" on women. Anyway, as the evening progressed, he went back to that table and was spending some time talking to the other single girl and our friends began to comment on it. My feelings were hurt, and tho I probably shouldn't have, I said something to him about it. He got mad, paid the tab and left. I stayed for another hour or so, then went home and slept in the den.

Things were silent for a while this morning, but we finally did discuss it. I was cool, calm and unemotional. He actually apologized for the fact that he is being "weird". Said he doesn't know what is the matter with him, that he is afraid that he has fallen out of love and that he won't be able to get the feelings back. I told him that love is a decision and that I thought he should try to be as positive as he could and that I believed it would come back. And in the mean time we should be respectful of each other and just ride this thing out. I told him that I didn't want to destroy our family and home or finances for something that may change around in 10 months. I told him that I was prepared to give him the space he needed, to work thru his feelings, if we could both agree to stay faithful to each other. He readily agreed, and was sincere.

So, I feel relieved. The first visit is over. I will go again, but not for at least a week or more. I really enjoyed seeing all of my friends.

I hope that your weekend goes well and that you get some good time with your family, W and children.

I am getting ready to go for a massage...my treat to myself. H is out golfing with a (happily married) buddy - yeah! I have to do my shopping and then run some errands. Hopefully we will all have a nice Saturuday night.

Take care and thanks for checking in on me. You are in my prayers.

[TwinDad]

Hey Hope, Sorry I haven't checked in all weekend, but I shouldn't get on this site when I am around my W and well I was around her all weekend which was a good thing. In fact I haven't slept at Da-Da's house in about a week

My daughter had her first dance recital on Sat and we went out for lunch with my MIL afterwards (who is in favor of the M working). At lunch my W was talking about saving all this money because we had sold our large house and didn't have to drive as far. My MIL said something about how do yuo figure you are saving money if you are maintain 2 households. I actually came to my W's defense and said something like why don't y'all talk about this at home or something like that (my MIL doesn't know how to lower her voice and the whoel restaurant could probably hear). My W said that was ok and and she would talk to her mom and then said that we wouldn't be maintaining two households for much longer

Sound slike your evening at the pub went very well. A lot of positives (him wanting you to sit next to him and being sesitive about your feelings). Even the little slip up gave you an opportunity touse your DB skills. It is good that he recognizes that he has a problem that he is dealing with. You handled it with class and love!

If I had to guess, your H probably just likes the fact that he can get attention from other Women. Married or not, most men like it when they can garner any sort of attention from a pretty lady....it is kind of like an ego boost and probably has little to do with you and more to do with him.

It is good that he went golfing with a happily married friend. A good friend of mine once told me the one thing he liked most about going to church was that you were in a room full of people that basically wanted their families to be happy and a healthy. If people surround themselves with positive people then positive things will happen.