I had decided maybe I shouldn't post here any more, but since I feel like I adopted you as one of my own.....it's hard not to. I like your idea for the trip, but I don't think you should bring up R talk. It will kill the entire trip for you and her. If you can just act as if this is a new beginning.....like a honeymoon, that would be better than treating it like a counseling session. If your W loves surprises.....it will be wonderful, on the other hand.....if she is the type that likes to be prepared,etc. you may just want to go ahead and show her the bookings you have made for the trip. I learned that for some people part of the fun is in the "planning" and looking forward to the trip. But, you know her best and how she would receive the news the best. Just don't wait too long before springing the news on her.
Love ya, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Somehow I had a feeling that you may not want to come back here, but honestly I wasn't upset with you or anything like that and also I hadn't realised that there was an ongoing debate elsewhere that had got your emotions going but anyway let me put it simply and clearly "Don't leave me now !!!" our work is not done. I am forever in your debt for you leading me through some really dark days, and just cos I can see a lot more clearly now doesn't mean I don't need your input to stop me messing up. And yes I do feel like your adopted son, only now I've turned into a bit of a naughty teenager.
OK let me explain the trip to Barcelona, firstly I won't be using it as a second honeymoon, for marriage repair, or as neutral territory to indulge in deep R talk. Quite simply W loves the idea of Barcelona and Spain and I had promised to take her there before and I've let her down so many times, mainly cos I had used it as my weapon of choice, give her the big build up then cancel at the last minute. Naughty Lan , yes but that's what I used to do in the past.
I had a past conversation with Kalni where we both discussed that throughout our separate marriages we've never celebrated our wedding anniversaries properly and also as I told you W wasn't overly excited by her birthday surprise (even though I did a good job) so I decided to plan well in advance and do something for our wedding anniversary.
Now Sandi, as you so rightly pointed out some people (including W) find the planning stage as the most exciting part of the trip, so today I showed W the bookings and can you imagine my disappointment when she had a rant at me for spending money we can't afford. This year she wanted to plough all our money into decorating and renovating the house. Now normally a reaction like that would set me off, but I just offered to cancel the trip, which W actually asked me to investigate. When I told her no refunds are offered for straight cancellations she just resigned herself to going. Well it's not all as bad as it sounds cos now W just wants to talk about the trip and how we are going get there and how we are going to make it work. I'm starting to feel her excitement. So this will not be an R trip in any shape or form. It's about the two of us getting away, having a cultural break and enjoying the Catalonia region of Spain, something we've both always wanted to do.
Finally (for all) although it may sound like I'm constanly seeking R talk with W that is defiantly not the case, I get frustrated but I just get on with things.
Lan
PS
FG, My naughty teenager is just messing with your drama queen.
Lan, I sure hope she will come around to join in the excitement. I can't imagine how heart broken it must have been for her to react that way. I bet after she got to thinking about it, she realized how ungrateful she sounded and was probably ashamed of her reaction. But, you know, for some of us women.....it is just as hard to apologize as it is for some men. In the long run, I'll bet she will get more excited after she has time to think about it.
My reasons for not posting anymore had nothing to do with you, sweetie.
Take care and keep doing a good job. I'm still proud of you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"My reasons for not posting anymore had nothing to do with you, sweetie."
I truly hope.. it had noting to do with me.
I hope to never come between you and Lan. I can see the effect you have had on him. I am forever grateful. You just being OK with him.. Makes me OK with you. Lan has worked hard for what he has. You have had a bigger hand in it than me. I never doubted that. Again.. I appreciate all you do. The advice you give. The heart you have.
I truly hope.. it had noting to do with me.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I think W's reaction could have had something to do with the way I revealed the surprise. I said to her "Guess what, I did something really stupid, silly, crazy (can't remember the exact word) last night. Well the look on W's face was one I recognised, it was the "Oh, sh** I've been busted look". I then quickly revealed the surprise, hoping to get a positive reaction, that"s when she had the rant.
However my instincts tell me there's something going on in the background, (may be she's phoned or txted someone she shouldn't have) I've busted W enough times to know that look and there's just a feeling I get, but I'm not gonna let it stress me or anything like that, I'll just mentally file it away under unproven.
Anyway W is on board with the program now and she is happily talking about our trip to Barcelona, and the excitement she gets waking up on the on the day of the trip. So all is ok there.
FG, Sandi you've both been with me since day one. We've all got work to do here and our paths will cross, and occasionally we'll cross wires, but no malice is intended. We've all got our hearts in the right place and each others best interest at heart so I hope it is still all love between us.
I recently surprised my W with a trip to Las Vegas (somewhere we had talked about going for a long time). When I first told her about it, she completely froze up - her body language was actually very humorous (but believe me, I didn't laugh out loud). She came back with a million objections, almost all of which I had anticipated and had a good answer ready for. Only after a solid hour of talking her off the ledge, easing her worries, and sharing all of the fun plans I had made, did she start to get truly excited. (The trip was a couple weeks ago and we had a wonderful time.)
Some background: My W is also a major "planner", and a lot of that has to do with control. She needs to feel in control of a situation in order to be comfortable. In fact, over the years, one of her complaints has always been that I didn't do enough planning - of our weekends, our vacations, our retirement, you name it. However, at the same time she has said that, she's never been willing to relinquish the reins and LET me do the planning. My favorite example of this was the year that we were driving back home from a vacation at the beach, and she started planning the NEXT year's vacation right there in the car. Now, I really AM capable of doing some good planning - but who could compete with THAT?
Bottom line - Don't worry too much about your W's initial poor reaction to your wonderful surprise. Some people - and I think we are both married to them - just don't handle surprises well, for whatever reason. That doesn't mean we shouldn't make the effort, and it doesn't mean they won't "come around" after the shock wears off. I'm thrilled she is now on board, and I hope you have a wonderful time.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
To Forest, everything will be okay.....I just have such a hard time understanding some things you say and feel that one thing in particular you said about me was......shall I say....incorrect....but I'm willing to forget & drop it. I had about decided to just not post wherever you were, but I don't want it to be that way. It hurt for a while, but what Lan said is true.
Quote:
We've all got our hearts in the right place and each others best interest at heart so I hope it is still all love between us.
One thing's for sure and that is we both love Lan and are going to work together to help him through this till he feels like everything is great again.
To Lan, I'm glad that you went ahead and told your wife about the trip. I suppose it did bring back some bad memories when she gave you that look, but maybe it was more of wondering what you had done rather than her being "caught" at something. We will certainly pray that was it! If she is beginning to show excitement now, then that is a good sign. Now, she can have fun in planning what she is going to wear and all that stuff that females like to do.
I'm really hoping big that this trip will be a great time for both of you and that you can once again relax around each other and feel like your young selves again and just have FUN! You deserve it!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can't get to the computer as much cos me, W & FIL are getting stuck into some real work on the house plus we have had to disconnect the computer a couple of times so we can work behind it.
Anyway I thought I'd breakaway to share this with you. W asked me what date in September had I booked our trip to Barcelona, I told her we go away starting the 12th of Sept. Then she asked me why had I chosen that particular date. I said it was for our Wedding anniversary, silly. Ahh... she said, Now I understand why you booked it.
(Pink !! I think the penny has finally dropped.)
Anyway she's getting happier by the moment at the prosect of Barcelona.
I'm thrilled she is now on board, and I hope you have a wonderful time.