ms ladybug SQUISHED!

[Dom R]

I know I'll see him this afternoon at my daughters swimming lessons. My eyes are swollen from crying all night, I'll keep my sunglasses on. But how do I act? His gotten mad at me for acting "as if" like I'm not bothered by this.

so.... dont act that way?

I think that he needs to see just how deeply you are affected by this. Because up until now, he does not believe that your marriage matters enough to you, for you to do anything about it.

He needs to see that it matters to you.



Yes, this is not the usual DB advice... but then, there is no "one, true set of DB rules to follow" that works for everyone. DB is not a magical "one size fits all" cheatsheet. You have to adjust it to the people involved. and the book itself, actually says that.

[cat03]

hey Mslb, I know you aren't so crazy about my advice, but I just have to post something.

Yes, it could be that he is having a hissy fit and he's told you that just to get back at you, in which case some time and no R questions would be in order.

I read the convo where you told him nothing will change, etc etc. At the danger of beating a dead horse, never ever say something of that magnitude if you dont' really mean it, having a great comeback is worthless if it is going to bite in the butt later.

I told you I'd get to the point of it being over unless you could show me changes.

This is what he wants, to prove you are either crazy and to make you admit to things you are "guilty" of in his eyes, how can you do that? I don't know what specifically he is talking about, but it seems to me he is the one with the MAJOR problems and not you. You've put up with some abuse here and he's the one asking for changes, it is a never ending story, he's expecting you change, you hoping he goes back to the man you married (the problem is you do want to make things work if only he'd work alongside you)

For now just let him be.

[TwinDad]

How can I show him? He doesn't trust me and won't ever believe that any change I make is real.

Consistency in whatever changes you choose and time. It may take him a lot of time....trust takes a long time to rebuild. I have been told the same thing by my W. She doesn't believe it is the real me, yet I am closer to the man I was when we got married than I have been in a long time....it has been a long time.

As far as how to act in front of him. There is no shame in letting him know that this is bothering you. My W will often say stuff like I didn't sleep good at all last night or something along those lines. She won't come out and admit she is bothered (or rarely does so) but she will say stuff like that. I don't ask why, I just ask how bad was her night of sleep. You could try something like this, something subtle....or course wearing the sun glasses might tell the story all by itself.

Best wishes and hope things go better for you this weekend.

[Sara]

I agree with Cat. I think the best way to deal with him for now is to go dark. He will come back. He likes to stir up a hornet's nest with you.

[Dom R]

My take: going dark on him now, is the worst thing you can do. "Going dark", tends to make people think about the last things you did and said to them.

He's ready to file now, and walk away from you. Because of what YOU said to him.
The last things you said to him that are freshest in his mind , were basically, "I wont change; you should file for divorce now".

That's not "just going to go away", if you stick your head in the sand, "go dark", and hope he forgets about it.

He is not going to forget about it. You're going to have to put in a lot of effort to overcome that, if you want to. Possibly more effort than you have ever shown to him before.

[JCJ]

Ms Ladybug

I haven't posted before but I just wanted to agree with Dom R. Please don't make the same mistakes I did, I have been regretting a single conversation for the past 8 months now and I may never be able to make up for what I said. Believe me, he won't forget it but you may be able to work past it. I thought words weren't important but they are, they have an enormous impact on people. Having that knowledge and knowing that you really didn't mean it is a hard thing to live with.

If you truly meant what you said then you'll just have to see how things go, however if you want to save your marriage you need to act now.

I hope everything works out for you.

Julia

[ms ladybug]

Back from swimming lessons.
On my way out the door, I got a call from H. He says, "tell d4 I'll be at her lessons. I'll just be a little late."
He said he had to pick up his dry cleaning first. The swimming lessons are next to the police station so he wanted to put his dry cleaning in his locker for work while he was over there. Well, the dry cleaning is on my way to the lessons and out of his way so I asked if he would like me to pick it up on my way and he said, "yes." I felt a little like patting my back for that small move.
He did sit next to me during the lessons, but made a lot of comments about how d4 wasn't listening, and how she always talks back to us because of my lack of discipline. I agreed and told him I'd become a lot more strict with her lately.
After the lessons, I told h that I needed a picture of him with the kids for the pre-schools father's day board. I had my camera and took a couple pictures (really cute). Then he told me that he thought d4's bathing suit was too small and she needed another one. I agreed, and when I agreed he said, "so your going to go TODAY and get her a new one?" I wasn't really planning to do that today, but I said "yes."

That's when h asked me if I wanted to go have lunch with him and his dad. Of course! I realized on my way over there that I'd have to take off my sunglasses and reveal my swollen, make-up free eyes...but it really didn't matter because he not as so much as glanced in my direction the entire time. That's OK. I did make it light and held it together. Of course the minute I drove out of the parking lot I burst into tears.

I bought the bathing suit too.

OK, cat03, it's not that I don't like your advice, I appreciate ALL advice. We don't see eye to eye on all issues, but I always appreciate your advice.
I do think because of my last stupid comments going dark might be bad. I just also know that right now he doesn't want to hear my words. But, I think he needs to hear SOMETHING from me.

So tell me what, when, and how to say it. Do I send an email explaining anything? I think right now he might not be ready for that either.

[Dom R]

I think the things he needs to hear from you, as soon as possible, are, in this order:

#1: You are sorry for what you said

#2: How much your marriage, and family, mean to you

#3: Things that you already know you plan to change about yourself

#4: A promise that you will try out any suggestions that an MC suggests to you.

If you want him to be the most believing of you, then I suggest that you do #3 and #4, BOTH verbally in person, and then ALSO in writing. But in person first, and then hand him the paper version.
Yes, this is waaay more difficult than just "writing him an email".
Which is why you should do it this way. He will recognize that you took the extra effort to do it this way.

I think that there's also something to be said in showing him your puffy eyes, rather than hiding them.
Just dont expect too much from it... being male, he might not even be able to tell the difference :-/

As for "when"....

maybe you could get a sitter, and turn up on his doorstep tonight.

[Dom R]

PS: you did a lot of "groundwork" today, in reconnecting just a teenie bit with him. good going.

that's why I think you should go for tonight.

[LolaL]

You are doing great Ladybug!!! I don't know your entire story, and it seems that Dom does, so I will acquiesce to his suggestions!

Keep up the good work!!!