When they do ugly things, you start to expect it from them. The more they do it, the more you expect it.
Until you get to a point that is what you expect from them 100% of the time, and when you dont get that from them, you are suspicious.
That makes sense...
I really doubt that he's in agony over this... really. I just have a real hard time believing that. This is why. I know his schedule. He'll go to work. He'll come home. On Tues, Thurs and Fri, he'll take his son to martial arts, then have his own class. Go home, go to bed.
On Mon, Wed, he'll go to work, come home, and it's off to soccer practice where he's a coach. On Saturday and Sunday, he'll be focused on his daughter, and taking her to dance class, doing things with her, etc. as well as soccer practice. His mind is wrapped up in all the activities that are/were planned. His life right now is literally absorbed in his children (which was the case before I left too, btw). And with this latest event... me leaving... his drive will compound, which validates his need that his children are his top priority. He will be too busy to think about anything else. Basically... he has GAL... I don't.
AnonJane - Hope you don't mind me pointing out a few things in your posts:
- you say you were in an abusive R BEFORE H, but also that H called you names and put you down. Seems to me like you are still seeking out abusive (familiar?) R's. Regardless of how H felt about you or your step-parenting skills, his behavior towards you was completely inappropriate. You may want to get some individual counseling to figure out why you are drawn to this type of man.
- you mentioned that H's first wife got counseling and became a better person. Pardon my suspicious mind (I've been her a long time and read all KINDS of things) but do you think he might be leaning towards reconciling with the first wife?
- you mentioned several times that his life is all about his kids. That is a GOOD thing, IMHO - his kids are the innocent victims in all this mess, they SHOULD come first. I know it's a tough thing to handle- that's why step-parenting is so tough. It's okay to admit it if it's just not for you. (And that's all a separate issue from him treating you badly. A good man could love his kids, go to their soccer games, and include you in that life.)
- you said "I don't have any friends,". This is a BIG red flag! Why DOESN'T a 35 year old woman have any friends? Either H did the typical abuser thing of separating you from your friends and family - OR - you have personal issues you need to work on that are much bigger than H. No spouse should have the responsibility of providing ALL your friendship AND R needs.
I know I've thrown a lot at you, and please don't take it the wrong way. I just think you need to do a lot of thinking here.
It's only in the last year (two at most) he's been doing this, and it's not like it happened over night, it's been a gradual change. There is something deep inside of him that he needs to work on that has nothing to do with me- and I understand that. Getting him to realize that is a different story.
It's a form of the stress that has been compounded over the last two years due to various events that have been happening. He never was this way prior. Or I should say, he handled his stress much much differently than he does now. It's a long history that one can not sum up in one post, and just assume that all that you read here is everything that has happened... it's a process a very long and lengthy set of complications. You can never just pick, choice and assume that what one is going through is like any other person.
Actually, in all fairness... there is a priority that does exist. You have a foundation that exist that ALL children rely on, just as you can't build a house on a sand foundation, hence the house will crumble as soon as it rains. No you use cement, something solid. Just like the house, children need a solid example of what a marriage consist of. His children do not have that... both mothers also have other children from other men that are now gone in their lives and abandoned their kids, they have no stability and no role models, other than their unmarried mothers and their father, my H. My H and I are/were the only role models, the example of what a marriage consist of. When you do not put your marriage first... this is what happens... the foundation colapes and the house falls down. You are neglecting your spouse over your children. After that, yes your children can come first, because their is no marriage- so yes, his priority is his children, now- but it was always that, and that is one of the fatal issues that has plagued our marriage- and many many many others. It didn't start out this way. The principals that apply is your Marriage first, then your Children and then your Career. And it has nothing to do with step parenting...
I do not have friends because I'm a Introvert, it has nothing to do with my H. I prefer to be home. I prefer to do my own things. I have no friends because I do not feel that people make me who I am... I make me who I am. I have a couple of acquaintances. My best friend used to be my H, and that is/was all that I needed, but again, a process happened. A gradual change happened, and it's something that HE has to work on. I also left the work force in order to take care of my H's children, there simply was no physical social network. I am here, to learn based on others situations and take stock in what they have and have not tried.
My past relationship of abuse, is just that in the past. I bring it up solely because I can relate to others and help them shift their mind set, if possible. I take comfort in allowing to open myself to others so that they may feel comfortable to share with me.
I hope that helped answer some of your questions...
Jane, I can completely understand your POV about the priority of marriage 1st, children 2nd, career and everything else after.
And I shared that same opinion for quite a while. Until I had my son that is.
Once he came along....well, that TV commerical that says:
"Having a baby changes everything" The greatest understatement of all time!
My son comes #1 in my life. In fact, there is no way our marriage could have lasted this long if he was not #1 to me. My wife expects him to be #1 to me, and if he is not, we are immediately at odds over a major component of our lives together.
Your perspective of the priority list is rooted in logic. But logic can go out the window when baby comes cause..
...having a baby changes everything
Before our baby came, my wife asked me a hypothetical question:
If we both were in trouble, who would you save 1st? Me or the baby?
My answer was: I would save you, as painful as it would be to lose a child - we could eventually have another.
Wrong answer. Once my son was born, I realized my answer would be something more like this:
I would save the baby, as much as I love you - you have had a chance to live a life. While the baby has not. So, I would save the baby 1st and hope I had a chance to save you as well.
And that is the answer that brings smile to her face.
Last edited by EnergyAZ; 06/05/0810:36 PM.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Ummm...no...I think what was meant was, because the children are not your biological children, YOU do not appear to have the ties to them that would cause you to put them first - and you probably would if they were your own children.
Your resentment of them and the time your H spends with them would probably not be there if they were the biological children of the two of you together - because YOU would probably feel differently about the sitch. But because they aren't your biological children, and although you have made great sacrifices to raise them, you don't seem to feel bonded to them in the same way you might to your own biological children.
I've never resented my H for time he spent with our children - because they are an extension of us, and by caring for them, he is caring for me. That is a different dynamic than in a step-parent situation.
AS for your lack of friends - take a good look at this. I'm an introvert too, but I do have friends. Sometimes we introverts have to make more effort and move a little out of our comfort zone to make that happen, but the risk of putting all your eggs in one R basket is pretty severe.
Second, I am not resentful of his children. I encourage him to do things with his children all the time, when they are in our home, on our visitations. It's when THEY ARE NOT with us, when they are on their mother's visitation, I am ignored, and lost. ie, would like more 'couple time' with my husband. etc.
Your conception of friends, and mine are two different things. I do have a 'social life'. I do not rely, and never have relied, on my husband for this. When I have the need to interact with people I do... I volunteer my services to little league, soccer club, my local community quilting guild. You can not assume based on one post that I do not 'venture out of my comfort zone.' On the contrary, what is not written, is what you misperceive as antisocial. I am not.
Please do not criticize me, because I did not come here for that. It discourages me further.
I actually was very enlightened to have EnergyAZ's perspective on things, and gave me something to think about...
No, I wasnt implying since they arent your biological children that you dont matter.
But I was trying to share how your opinion of the priorities was the same one I had before I had a child of my own.
He may have created you to be someone who is competing with his children (in his mind). You may be very supportive of the time he spends with them and thats great. But when you tell him you feel your marriage comes 1st, children come 2nd.
What I believe he hear from that is "I need to be more important to you than your children"
even if thats not what you meant. That might be what he hears anyways. And if its a "me or them" kinda thing in his mind, you will lose
When the kids are out of the house, I agree with you, there is no reason that cannot be 'your' time for you as a couple.
But if he is carrying a resentment that he believes you wish to be #1 before his own children....that would be tough to drop even when the kids arent in the home.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
dont get me wrong here..I think you did the right thing by leaving.
Until he accepts and begins to address his abusive tendencies, you are better off without him.
I decided to participate in your thread because I was a former abuser. I saw many things in your husbands poor behavior I could relate to because I behaved very similarly at times.
But if I could start taking geniune steps towards improvement - anyone can.
That doesnt mean they will though. And if they wont, why go back? So you did the right thing here
He sounds like a great father, but he can be an even better one if he can identify the fact he has abusive tendencies. Eventually his children will suffer them.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Thank you EnergyAZ, I understand where you are coming from...
I have never ever mentioned to my husband, or even let him know this is how I felt. I smiled and forged on. Maybe it's a subconscious thing?
I do agree that I think leaving was the best course of action, and was very very fearful, hesitate, and discouraged by doing so before. Not knowing if I made the right decision.
And sadly, the children have suffered some of his emotional baggage, I'm afraid. I've had to spend time, "unwinding" some of that. My SS and I were getting close. Makes me sad thinking about that, because I do miss the kids. I hope they will be okay. I'm sure they don't understand any of it, and I'm sure that my H will give them a 'not so nice' image of me.... sigh.
The best that I can do now is move forward. I completely appreciate your view point. It has answered a lot of my own questions, and I have a naturally tried some of these 'tools', I am finding, of what this DB book talks about. I guess, there are just somethings that you have to accept and move on. And I have come to that realization long ago, finally put one foot in front of the other, and let the momentum carry me through. It's up to my H now, if he persists in his actions, it's his loss because it's just going to keep perpetuating into the next relationship he has, maybe then he'll 'wake up' when he gets his third divorce? Who knows? If he figures it out, great. Me? I can only do what I can, and I've had years of counseling, read a plethora of self help books, and I have finally come to a place where I am comfortable being who I am.
