He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

OK, I just don't know anymore what to think. I'm so confused.
Last night he got home from counseling and I asked how it went. He said good. Then I asked if they were just talking about the girls and how to handle the divorce, and he said no, only about 15 minutes of the hour was devoted to them (his original intention of staying with IC). So I don't know what they are discussing, hopefully not just divorce stuff.

So anyway, then he excitedly tells me about a post on his hunting board about a guy who lives out by us (rural area) and has a guest house for rent. It's a bit pricy, but we are not in a big market area, so H is going to contact him and tell him the sitch, and make an offer of what he could pay. Being H is a cop, not a single party guy we are hoping it could work out. His other alternative of a place to stay is an hour away, so it would be better for the girls for him to be closer. Part of me was stressed because it's just another thing that makes it "real", but part felt better about that then him staying with that divorced friend. So I don't know.

Then he mentioned that while he still doesn't think anything will change, that he says he thinks the separation will be good to see. He's still not outwardly giving me any hope, but things that he has said lately like being willing to delay the filing, admitting that he won't know for sure until the separation etc, are baby steps I feel like.

Then the big oops. So last night I had to go downstairs (where he is staying) to get some stuff off our desktop to transfer to my laptop. Well, the desktop has something wrong with it, and I kept having to reboot, was having issues etc. During this time he is sitting there watching some HBO documentary about the Porn Industry. Nice. Anyway, so I finish what I'm doing ,and made a comment "I'm not so sure us watching a porn documentary together is a wise idea" and I laughed and went upstairs.

About 15 minutes later, he comes up into the bedroom and says "I've been thinking about what you said". I'm totally confused at this point because I didn't remember. Well, he basically in so many words invites me downstairs for sex. Well, if you remember what happened last weekend, you can imagine my confusion.

So I was good. Made him wait a bit. Finished what I was doing, sat up here for about 15 minutes, then sauntered down. I flat out said, "look, I'm not going to do this and then have you freak out tomorrow regretting it, and making me feel like crap. So you need to think about that, because it's not fair. You KNOW I want to, but not at the expense of a payback tomorrow. Especially when YOU are initiating this".

He then said.. "I can't guarentee I won't regret it tomorrow". To which I calmly but matter of factly said.. "well then I Think it's best we don't do this. I'll leave you to your fun (his watching this porn thing)" and I started to walk upstairs. To which he called out after me "Wait, I'll turn it off. You can come back".

So I turn around ,and he hadn't and he pretty much just looked at me and said "Come here" really playful like. So of course we ended up having relations. So when he gets home tonight ,I guess I"ll see how he is acting, but I"m going out tonight ,and leaving right when he gets home, so not sure I'll get a read on it that quick. But I felt like I made my point. Either suck it up if you are that horny to just live in the moment and not make me feel like [censored] the next day because you can't control yourself, or Don'T DO IT!". I hope he is just normal today.

Anyway. It feels weird. Everytime something like that happens I think.. "Is this the last time I'll be with him?". And now I'm trying to figure out how THAT will play into a separation. I don't want to be a booty call. But if it's something that could connect us, I don't want to deny it either. I also don't want to send confusing messages to the kids once he moves out too. HE WILL not stay the night until he is going to stay for good. I won't do that to the girls.

Chris