RU my H told me the same thing about our physical relationshiop your right its not going to be easy its been far from easy but hopefully things will work out.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
Well here I am yet again it has been awhile since my last post. Today is our 24th anniversary of our 1st date, he hasn't remembered yet. My H and I are trying to make a go of our M, my problem, I can't stop thinking of him being with OW. He says he loves me with all his heart and soul and is so sorry that he did this to me and is putting up with all my mood swings. I told him last night that I don't know if I can ever get past this feeling of insecurity and this all consuming thoughts of him being with her and all their shared secrets. I know this is just crazy, I should just be happy that he is here with me why should I let her take my happiness away from me.
He told me that she does have kids and is divorced, so maybe she is not ever man's fantasy but she was his and that is all that matters. I don't know if I can compete with memories of her.
He told me if he had walked away he knows he would of done anything to get me back once he realized what he had done but I know that it would have taken quite a while because she was doing all she could to make him think that he was not happy with his life with us. He told me she was passively suggesting for him to leave me, you know those tricks these women play to get what they want without sounding like their wife.
So the question is what do I do to get past this, I can't keep letting this get in our way of our happiness but he disrespected me and humiliate me, lied and cheated and we are financially and I am emotionally paying for his fantasy. I know I need to seek out a counselor my friend is one but when I told her about what was happening, she was floored and then not long after that she discovered her husband was going through what was the beginning of the same problem a divorce women with kids too, though he had not been with his fantasy woman yet, but now has since left their house 1 month after my friend had given birth to their third child. Is this some sort of an epidemic? What is going on in this world that men/women seem to be losing all moral judgement or is it really MLC?
Sorry, I know I'm just ranting now but if anyone has any suggestions please advise me, Thank you.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
I can't keep letting this get in our way of our happiness but he disrespected me and humiliate me, lied and cheated and we are financially and I am emotionally paying for his fantasy
Yes he did.
Yes you are.
Is he going out of his way to prove himself to you? Is he humble?
Get some help.
If you cannot fogive him, then you cannot do this.
A very dear friend of mine told me, everyone gets one really big F-UP in a marriage. She was the only one in the Real World who understood what I was doing with DB. Everyone gets one F-Up, Jack, this is your wife's.
Yes he lied, he cheated, he hurt you, he disrespected his marriage and you...blah blah blah. That was in the past, is he doing that right now?
If you cannot get over this, then yes he had a huge part in the problems you are going through, but right now so do you. The past is the past, is he consistent in his actions words and deeds to you today?
Piecing Sucks. Life isn't fair. If you can forgive him, then you have a shot, and if you forgive him, then all his past BS comes off of the table in later arguments. Nothing says "I lied about forgiving you," like bringing it up over and over.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? I found that it really helped me let go of the feelings and thoughts I was having about H and OW. It also helped me to empathize with my H and understand how the affair could have happened.
It is something that both you and your H can read through together if he is willing but even if he isn't it would be a big help to you.
That was a good kick in the pants I needed. H says I need to start focusing on us because that is all that matters and he is right. H is humble and regrets his mistakes and I thought I did forgive him but you have a point I need to stop bring it up it only hurts us both. I wish this was his one big F up but sorry to say its not.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
for a while there I was piecing and was assaulted with thoughts of ow, I was able to forgive him but thoughts did assault me constantly. You have to ask yourself what do you want? a happy M? to be a strong couple again? if so, how are your reactions helping you get to that goal? are your words/actions hurting or healing? There is only so much you can beat up a dead horse, emotional outbursts just send you back to square one. While my stbx was with me I helped paid his MLC/A cc bill, either forgive with all your heart or wallow in resentment, what do you want to do? There is no such thing as forgive as forget, our mind can never forget what we've seen/know, BUT we can reach a level in which we can think of past hurts without condemnation. He can't earn that grace, you have to give it freely, like God forgives us without us deserving it or earning it.
Here are some nuggets I saved when I was in the piecing forum:
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
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Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times, OR the bad times, expecting that emotion, circumstance or fate will intervene and keep things going is a recipe for failure.
Quote:
You are breeding negativity. STOP IT. Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband? Of course the man is not "happy"! He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family. HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM?? It's your move. The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him. A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself. He needs someone to give him a chance. Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance. If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand. But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance. It's up to you. Fear or faith? Which one are you gonna feed tonight? I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics. WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES? What if.....? ----------------- Whatever proves to be the hardest thing for you to do is precisely what you HAVE to do. If it's bringing up OP, then you have to stop. You just have to stop it. You're giving her too much power. SHE'S NOTHING.
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"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
My point is... cheaters lie. It's not ok. But. He wants YOU. He wants his life back. He wants this to just be over, but he's having a hard time facing the mess he made. Right now, just NOW, he is lying because he wants you to believe him again (i know, i know, it's really twisted) and is terrified that the other shoe will fall and you'll give up on him. He is terrified that you will throw this in his face forever. You may have NEVER done that, but they figure they would, and that they deserve it, so they think they have lost the right for your trust. This is underneath.
If you expect your spouse to be selfish and weak and lax in her/his efforts in your relationship, that's exactly what you'll look for first in every sitch. The positives just won't be enough to take your attention away from the negatives. She/he in turn senses the criticism and you both continue on the downward spiral.
Things aren't perfect now. Will they ever be? Maybe not in this life, but we have to get there from here somehow, and find some joy on the journey. I'm glad you are grateful for how far you've come.
You've struggled and been patient for a long time...maybe a new level of patience is what is required here and now - how would your spouse respond if she/he was treated in a way that displayed to her your full respect for a week, a month, three months...free from any subliminal accusation or frustration?
Just accept her/him for who she is beneath all the frailties and mistakes-
"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I need to copy this and keep it handy when I get weak. You are right I am giving the OW too much power and I even told him that. He said it was a waste of time, OW does not exist in our lives anymore and will never again. He wants us to focus on us and only our family because that all that matters.
I didn't start giving him heck until I knew that he was committed to our R, because before he was so detached that he didn't care how i felt, so that is why I am here to get advice on how to deal with this without destroying our M, he says that he is so glad that I didn't give up on him, that I fought so hard for us that he knew the coming back was the right thing to do. Now I just have to stop being that person that could drive him away. So thanks again Cat I appreciate that you took the time to respond, these words of wisdom will really help me.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
Michelle Weiner-Davis wrote an excellent piece on forgiveness. I'll link to it below, but the key points are:
a) forgiveness is a decision; and, b) a gift you give yourself
I'm so sorry you were betrayed by your husband, but I'm grateful that he wants to try to make things right. I hope you two kind find your way back to each other.
stay strong hon))))))))) he sounds repentant and what he's told you is something so many in piecing would've given their right arm to hear (me included,at the time my stbx came back he just said he was tired of being alone and that's it, no ily, no "im glad you didnt' give up", nothing)
It seems your H really wants to do it right by you, fight your fear, fight with all your might for your M, you can be your worst enemy if you let the anger and old fears eat you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
