in limbo and an emotional mess...

[MAZ]

Hi SusS

i'm here,, hasn't been a good week,,,she is still living at H's apt. and to top it off H bought a new car last friday (no I wasn't there for that but OW was), and she's been driving it all over creation... to make matters worse, H got hurt sunday working at a town event for the fire dept, ended up in the hospital and OW was there with him because I was busy at 2 different baseball fields watching "our" kids play baseball,, how did I find out,, OW called me,, so now I had to deal with her phone calls and the fact she was at the ER and not me,,, then she went back and spent the night at the hospital with him,, we went to visit H for a few hours once baseball was through and I cried the whole time,,, and he asks "whats wrong" DUH!!! now he is out of work for a week, can't drive,etc,, so now she is truely up his a** 24/7,, and yesterday was our 18th anniversary... tried to talk to him last nite after he said good nite to kids on the phone but told him I couldn't talk,, basically cried myself to sleep,, how can I talk knowing she is sitting right there beside him. so i'm sure she is playing the see i'm here for you 24 hrs a day where is your wife,,, umm not there because he's not "home" where he should be and i'm not going where she is,, did that last week and wasn't pretty,, my 15 y/o dressed in camo and wanted to "take her out" so he says,, ah that was another nite,,, its just been a crazy week,, so now that he can't drive, etc, for at least a few days I know I won't see him or talk to him unless she is gone for a while because she deletes his messages from his phone I'm almost ready to give up,, i've done everything I can but I can't compete with someone who has nothing to do but be there by his side 24/7 because she has NOTHING else, kid gone, no job, nothing,, so for now anyway i'm pretty much just sitting here with nothing except my boys,, who are getting tired of seeing me cry,, even though I try not to do it in front of them, sometimes it just happens. especially yesterday since it was our anniversary. H knows how I feel, problem is I truly think he thinks he can maintain both,,, and its not happening,, its got to be one or the other and I told him that the other day... he doesn't want to make that choice and like I told him you already made it but once she "got out" she messed with your head again and now we're back where we started. The pain is just too much sometimes,,, and not worried so much about me,, but about our boys and how much this "back and forth" game is messing with them..

[SueS]

mzul-

I'm so sorry that this is happening. I wish I could email you off the board. Anyway, she's sure got some nerve. I understand the feeling that she was there and you weren't. Try to think about how you were with the kids. It's not like you were off doing something you should have been. Don't let her allow you to feel bad about that. You sound like a good mom. That's what you were being.....a good, supportive mom.

Do you think your H feels stuck with her there? I know that he could just walk away, but he got in this with her and maybe now he feels like he can't just walk out because of her suicide attempt. I wish I could tell you what's going through his mind. Sounds like you have smart boys. There have been people on here whose children have called the OW/OM and let them have it. I'm not suggesting that, but it sounds like your son is aware of how much you're hurting. And, it's okay to cry. This is the toughest thing I've ever been through....twice now for me. I have a 4 yr old daughter. I've tried like heck not to break down in front of her but it still happens. She told me once....mommy, you take care of me and I'll take care of you. Today she told me that whenever she looks at a heart, she'll think of me. They make you feel good.

Have you been to a counselor or gotten on any type of medication? I don't know how you feel about that, but I'm on AD's and what a difference they make. Doesn't make the pain go away, but it sure helped me level off. Think about it okay?

Just know that you're not alone. I know it feels that way sometimes, but you are not alone. You'll make it through.

Have a good night.

SueS

[LL44]

Hey mzul, Sue asked me to come visit you.

So sorry its been a rough week. I am so sorry. Having the OW so close to your H when you are not close is horrible. I know from experience. Its like they are stealing their emotions/physical stuff from you and giving it to them. Hurts beyond words.

Have you read DR/DB? You need to find yourself some space.

how can I talk knowing she is sitting right there beside him

No more calls to H, no more voicemails to H, no more contact unless the kids need something dire. Nothing. None. Nothing. If he calls you, make it light and quick, and about the kids. Its your turn to be selfish, your turn to ignore him and make your days brighter. As you said yourself, he knows how you feel, he knows that he can't have both. So if, at the moment, he is choosing OW, then follow through and don't let him have both.

You cannot change him, nor will anything you do or say make them 'break up'. It will unravel on its own and in the meantime, you take care of you.

and not worried so much about me,, but about our boys and how much this "back and forth" game is messing with them..

But you see. How YOU react and how YOU are around them is directly affecting them. You need a 'game face' for your kids. You need to speak in positive terms about H and then work on your relationship with your boys.

Your children deserve a happy, healthy mom. You deserve so much more.

HUGS!

[karen43]

hey i know i'm not perfect either, but I work full time and always have, and do pretty much everything to keep the household running from running the kids everywhere despite working full time, dinner, cleaning, etc, you name it,, and ya pick an OW who does nothing.... I just don't get it.

The one thing I've seen in common about the OWs on this board (besides the fact they all seem dysfunctional or they wouldn't be having affairs with married men with kids) is that they always seem to be the opposite of us. I'm a stay-at-home mom devoted to the kids and H chose a workaholic mom who neglects her kids (I was told that by friends who know her D and the D is always with her dad & when H was living with me he was either with the OW or they were texting each other), my H was being neglectful of our kids too, but that's another story....

It sounds to me like some or maybe all of what your H is feeling for the OW in his case is sympathy or pity, not love. And the OW sounds very manipulative so that doesn't make things easier. I know they say 90% of affairs fail, and I would def. think their is going to be in the 90%, no question they will break up as soon as your H can escape her cluthes!

I would agree with Sue you might want to try counseling and/or AD's & see if that helps. I do both and have found them very helpful. I was seriously depressed and it took that to get me out of it I think.

I also think it did help me to do a lot of the things recommended in DB & DR. It made me feel like I was more in control and less powerless to GAL and figure out 180s and try to work on them. It will help you, and if it helps your R then that is frosting.

And keep posting here when you have sadness or anger. I think it is good to vent here instead of on our WAS, and this board has been such a lifeline to me! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mzul,

Read about you on another thread, and thought I'd stop by. I really don't know enough about your sitch to be of intelligent help to you, other than to offer some e-hugs and some words of encouragement tonite.

My wife left me last summer for her personal trainer, 20 years her junior. I know how it feels. At this point last year, it looked HOPELESS, but now we're back together, she's had no contact since last August, and we're good friends again and working on things. It DOES get better.

I gotta tell you, the anti-depressants really helped me. In fact, I still take them, just to "even me out" a little. I've had a hard time with this stretch of the calendar now, as I'm now into the "one year ago today" dates, but other than that, it's been okay.

Try to hang in there.

Puppy

[MAZ]

SueS-
Thank you for your support,,another couple crazy days,, haven't seen H since we went to the hospital to see him sunday evening, he called the other day and "again" sounds like OW is getting on his nerves,,,this is a cycle,, H called me Tues. nite and again said he is planning on coming home, but as I told him actions speak louder than words, H is coming over tonite for dinner and to spend some time with the kids and of course OW is mad about that,,, I know H feels stuck with her there,, but I also think he doesn't want to cut things off with her, not totally anyway. I told H I can't do this back and forth game with him anymore that its not fair to me or the kids, and he says he knows, again,, then do something about it. I'm just tired today,,, I need a good nites sleep,,its true about the kids,,, they do their best to make you feel better, your 4 y/o sounds precious, I like the heart comment she said to you that has to make you smile:) I have not been to a counselor, nor any medication, which I probably should just to get some sleep, i'm up to 30 lbs. lost at this point but just very tired today. Thanks again for your support and advice,, i'll let you know how dinner goes tonite

[SueS]

mzul-

Hi there. I'm so glad to see that others came on to visit you as well. Trust me, I've been on this site for a LONG time. I started coming here during my H's first affair back in 2001. Then, as you can see, I re-registered in 2005 during some issues....then, back again in 2007. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that the people that have come to visit you are among some of the most wonderful, supportive people you'll come across. They've all been through it and you can get a lot from them.

Yes, you do need a good night sleep. 30 lbs! That's about where I was the first time around. This time...probably closer to 15 or 20. That's a lot of weight to lose they way you've lost it. The meds can help you with the sleeping too. Not knock you out, but as we said, help you even out. I go back and forth on the counselor. I saw one back in the fall and she really helped. I haven't seen her lately, but I feel like I'm doing okay at this point without her. It's all up to how comfortable you'd feel. I would see the doctor though. My doctor was very, very understanding of my situation. I'd like you to see one just for your overall health.

Sounds like your H is trying. I'll be looking to see if he shows up tonight. I am proud of you for telling him that he can't keep playing these games with you. Me, I didn't have enough strength to do that. I'm so much stronger now though and I do shoot my "truth darts" when I can. I had a fear of losing him that paralyzed me so much that I didn't say much at all. I confronted him, but didn't set boundaries or push it too much.

This OW.... I just don't know what to say about her. She has so much gall, so much nerve. She's amazingly bold. For her to be angry that YOUR husband is going to be having dinner with HIS family. She's got some issues. You are SO much better than her.

Well, I need to run. I'll check on you again. I hope he shows up tonight and that you have a good dinner.

Take care- Hugs - SueS

[Sugar and Spice]

mzul-

Yes, you do need a good night sleep. 30 lbs! That's about where I was the first time around.

I'm at 45 and holding right now. You really should see a doctor about the not sleeping though, its hard enough to deal with life right now, being exhausted on top of it will only make it worse.

Sounds like your H is trying. I'll be looking to see if he shows up tonight. I am proud of you for telling him that he can't keep playing these games with you. Me, I didn't have enough strength to do that. I'm so much stronger now though and I do shoot my "truth darts" when I can. I had a fear of losing him that paralyzed me so much that I didn't say much at all. I confronted him, but didn't set boundaries or push it too much.

If you are setting boundaries, stick to them. I am learning the hard way (trust me!) that unless you are going to stick to it, don't say it. I am going to have to let my H go because he is just asking way too much of me at this point.

This OW.... I just don't know what to say about her. She has so much gall, so much nerve. She's amazingly bold. For her to be angry that YOUR husband is going to be having dinner with HIS family. She's got some issues. You are SO much better than her.

OW in your sitch sounds a lot like mine and many others for that matter. OW or more affectionately known as The Troll in my case actually gets mad for me even calling him if she is around. She got pissy at Easter because he spent time with me and our kids and on Mother's Day too. She HATES my guts, which I find so odd since she is the one screwing MY H! I'm not sure how these people look themselves in the mirror but I'm sure its not a pretty sight. Don't worry about her, it sounds like her crazy a$$ will do the work for you. He will get tired of her nonsense, but not until you remove yourself from the situation. I firmly believe if I had just walked away from my H at any point during this whole mess that he would have seen the truth and unfortunately that is what is going to happen here very soon. I hope and pray for your sake that she doesn't get pregnant...

As far as your sons are concerned, get them into some C as soon as you can. They will try and be strong for you, but take it from someone who knows, the ones that pay the tab on this thing will be those boys. I know it has helped my kids TREMENDOUSLY to have their C, as they can tell her anything and it also helps me get a little insight into how they are feeling and how to best handle things during the week. I don't know how much they know, but I'm betting its more than you think. Not trying to be ugly, but kids hear EVERYTHING and they know when something is up.
Your in my prayers. ((((mzul))))

[SueS]

Sugar & Spice-

Just wanted to say.......nice job. I love what you 've said above. mzul, it does sound like you're in a very similar sitch as S&S.

mzul- let us know how last night went. I think S&S is right. That OW in your sitch will wear on your H and very quickly.

Have a good day.

SueS

[MAZ]

lwb,
thanks for your thoughts and support- you are exactly right in feeling like they're stealing my emotions and physical stuff and giving it to them. I've tried to tell H that,, he doesn't seem to understand it though..he just says just because i'm at my place doesn't mean he and OW are doing something,, first off i'm not an idiot,, 2nd off,, like i told H, it doesn't matter if you don't do something,, she is there with you, she has your time, I don't care if your sleeping, studying, or watching tv,, she is there,, he'll be like whats the difference if i'm doing all that at his place or ours,,duh,, your there with her and the boys and I are here and your not! As far as the kids I try not to react in front of them, I try to act as normal as I can,, but yes some days it is just more difficult to hide the hurt. As far as contacting H in case of something dire,, i'll get to that in a little later post when I have a little more time. But I wanted to say thank you for your support,, everyone here is great and its nice to have people truly understand what your going through.