Isn't it DBing to just ignore what he's doing and live my life?
But what's the point, then? There is no way to rebuild the connection between us if he continues to direct his energy elsewhere. Again, looking back, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I'm getting better at seeing it faster, but the change is quite subtle - I find it hard to pick up on right away, anyway.
I've been working hard on 'lovingly detaching', which for me means being open and friendly but also - I don't know how to put this - it's kind of like building a wall, maybe a shell, between me and him. Mostly it feels like trying to 'unlove him', as the song says.
I have been doing fairly well in doing more (again) of the things that both made me feel stronger and also drew my H back a bit. Yesterday, when he came home from work, we had a glass of wine and chatted about our days while I made dinner. It was really nice. I had also had a day in which I spent quite a bit of time in that place of serenity, where I just knew that things would be okay, whatever.
I have put my foot down, more than once. I have kicked him out on two occasions. I can't say leave unless I mean it and I'm not there yet and I don't know if I will ever be. Last night was rough - I was asleep by the time he came to bed, but woke up when he did. Since I found the text message, I've been sleeping on about 12" of the edge of the bed, but last night I moved a bit closer to the centre. I put my hand on his back very briefly and said goodnight, and five minutes later had to get up because I had started crying and couldn't stop. It was a while before I could calm down enough to get back to bed.
This morning, he pulled me to him and held me so tightly for quite a long time. After a while, I started leaking again, so I got up for a few minutes and since it wasn't even 5 a.m. yet, went back to bed. We ended up in a different cuddling position, but I couldn't handle it - tears, etc., so I got up again, got dressed (sobbing the whole time) and went for a walk. Saw three deer! In the middle of a not-really-small city, just walking down the street to a vacant lot, where the grass is nice and high. They were so amazing! That walk in the morning is often the best part of my day. I'm going to try to hold the deer in my mind a lot today. I had to hold my dog, who of course really wanted to chase them, and so they slowly one by one walked past us about 100 yards away, watching us intently the whole time. It was very cool.
Anyway, no matter what kind of barriers I put up, my H touches me and he's through. For whatever reason, this guy just gets to me (and I have quite a few others to compare him to). His touch and presence settles me if I'm mad, sad, whatever. I know that if I tell him to leave, it won't be long before I will want him back and I don't think I can stop myself from asking him to come back.
If I can't handle even non-sexual touch right now, I'm certainly not going to get through sex without breaking down and I have done that enough times, I won't do it anymore. By the time he gets up, I will pull myself together. He knows I was crying, but these days he just leaves me to it
I really, really want him though and there have been times in the last few days that I would have been a real pushover if he had made any moves. I'm struggling with myself as much as anything in trying to decide whether to resume sex or not.
Since he hasn't said that the OA is over, I'm assuming it's still on. Even if he tells me it's over, will I believe him? There have been lies about that every single time in the past.
I have these moments when I can't believe that this is my life. How did I end up in this place, with a man who does this kind of stuff, sees how much it hurts me and does it again. and again. and again.
Thank you to everyone who stopped by. Each and every one of you are my heroes, helping others even as you're struggling yourselves.
