THAT is the problem. I REFUSE to be a part time dad. Not be there to wake them up. Make them breakfast. Brushing their hair while thay are yelling at me to stop pulling so hard. Watching WW brush their hair with no problem. Working on homework every night. Laying on me while they fall asleep in front of the tv. Getting on their case for not drying themselves after a bath and clothes sticking to them. Smelling hands after they told me they washed them and I don't believe them. Kissing boo boo's. Goodnight kisses and huggies. Catching them getting into the candy or cookies or chips when we told them no. D11's clothes on the bathroom floor after every shower. Ya'll know the list is endless.
AMEN!
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I'm thinking of writing a letter to WW again. I feel like I want to make sure that she knows that I do love her. That I want our marriage to work out. Make sure that she knows that I have not been with any one else. That I would like to attend a Retro weekend. Not a mushy letter. Just so that she knows how I feel. Letting her know that I DO forgive. Point out that if she wants to be independent, then do it without me OR someone else. Do things with a clean slate. Letting her know that I know she didn't mean to hurt me. That I know that we really enjoy each others company.
I doubt I'll write it. Her is one letter I had written to her before:
This is us.
We met at the bottom of a huge mountain with our backpacks full of stuff. We both had climbed other mountains, but I was still a little more experienced. We looked up at the mountain at decided to climb it together. We told each other that even though it looked like it was a rough climb, we will still climb it together. We decided to tie a rope to each other, so that we wouldn’t fall. I took you by the hand and we started our journey. At the start, I was guiding you and holding your hand. Along the way, I would point out things that you hadn’t seen before. Along the way, I would try to show you things that were good for you and also point out some things that were not good for you. Sometimes you just watched me, and you learned how to do things on your own without me even pointing them out. Sometimes we came across something that I didn’t know about, but you did. You taught me something’s that I didn’t know about, because you know what they were. I was able to watch you and learn. We had stuff in our backpacks to give to each other. We helped to feed each other and gave each other water. Sometimes we just snacked.
Parts of the mountain were extremely rocky and hard to climb, but we were able to keep climbing because many times, I was able to help you through the hard parts. Sometimes I was there to pull you up by the hand and sometimes I was there to help push you up because I was behind you. Sometimes, it was you helping me up, either by pulling me up or pushing from behind. Sometimes, the climb was so difficult that we thought that we wouldn’t be able to continue. You always knew that God was there to watch us and help keep us safe. I didn’t. I thought that I could just rely on myself. It was during an especially hard part of the climb that I finally figured out that there is a God to help us along. I learned that it was his hand that was there, also pushing and pulling us up. I realized that it was heaven that we were climbing up to. He was helping us to get there.
As we climb, helping each other up through the hard parts, we can both see a path that leads off to the side. The path looks like it might be a little easier, but it is difficult to see were it leads. We keep on climbing.
Right now, you have decided that there is nothing more that you can learn from me. We keep slipping and cutting ourselves on the rocks. The climb is very difficult. Especially right now. Every time we take a step up, the ground gives way and we slide down. You are trying to let go of my hand, cut the rope and take the other path. I want to keep climbing the mountain with you, because I know that we can make it to the top, but you want to take the other path, alone. I don’t mind taking the other path. We can take a different path, and we can take it together. I don’t want to let go of your hand. I want to keep the rope intact. It’s much easier. We have not learned all there is to know about climbing. We keep learning from each other. There is so much more to learn. I want to follow you. I want you to take my hand and lead me through the different path, but you just want to yank away from me to go alone. I want to learn more about life, just like you do. At one point, you needed me to take your hand and show you life. I just want you to take my hand and show me. We are still growing and learning. I am just shy. I am not a risk taker. Lead me. Show me. You just need to take my hand and I can learn from you and learn a few new things together.
We started out as friends. We fell in love with each other and became best friends. I love you. You still love me. I need you and you need me. I have never held you back from something. You are outgoing. I am shy. We both know that friends are important in our lives. We both love our children. They are our lives. We both live our lives for them. We both have a lot of common interests. We like the same music. When we can, we both like to go out and have a good time with others. We are people watchers. We find other people fascinating. We love children. All children. We think of others, even to the point of not thinking about ourselves. We have different ways of relaxing. You like to relax by going shopping. I like to relax by just chilling out. We both love to have friends over to visit and barbeque. I don’t have an exciting job. I wish it was something new and different every day. We love our family time together. We both love God and know that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. We both want to help others. We are both great listeners. People come to us to help themselves through their lives. They come to us for advise. We both love animals. We both feel like being a mother or a father is the greatest joy in the world. We both love to listen to live bands. We both love movies. We love action movies and romantic movies. You like doing yard work and I don’t. I like being outside looking at the stars at night. I think you do, too. We both love going to church. I love to read, and you would rather watch it on video. We both love to read the paper on Sunday. We both love and have to have our coffee, everyday. I find it hard to trust people, you put your trust in someone right away. We both have bad teeth. We both like to take a nap. You like to sleep. I like to sleep. Just not as much as you do. We both love going to the river. We both love fish. I would just rather eat them than watch them. We both like to swim. We both love the smell of coconut on our skin. We both love to watch a good boxing fight. We both love to eat out. We both love to eat pizza. I like sausage and you like pepperoni. We both love beef fajitas. I love seafood and you don’t. We both love Italian food. We both love Mexican food. We both love Chinese food. We both love Greek…ok, we both love food. I like to fish. I just can’t seem to scratch out the time to do it. We both love to snack. We both love sweets. You like chocolate chip and I like oatmeal raisin. We both love ice cream. I think we both love to read magazines. We both love to read about celebrity gossip. We both have a fascination with the obituaries and who recently died. We both believe that our other family members are important. We both love to hear (HER AUNT) tell a joke. We both think that (HER EX) is a jerk and probably always will be. We both like to play on the computer. I like doing the laundry. You hate to put away clothes. We both love to eat homemade tortillas. Your not afraid to start a project, you just have trouble finishing them. I don’t like to start a project that I won’t do a good job at but I can finish it if you start it. I love to help you in the kitchen, even though you hate me doing it. We both love iced tea. We both like to talk to people on the phone. Sometimes I would rather talk on the phone than in person. We both love to be barefoot. We both love to get in the car and drive somewhere. I love to play footsie with you when we watch a movie. I love when you put your leg over mine when you sleep. We both love to watch the news at 10:00. We both love to watch Rome. We both loved the Sopranos. We all love to watch Ugly Betty. We both love to watch Prison Break. We both love to spend money. We both love getting credit cards, when we can get approved. We both love to sing. We both love to take a hot shower, you just like scalding water. We both prefer silver over gold. We both love to get gifts. I love getting you flowers. Hopefully you love getting them. We both believe that our kids can do anything they put their mind to. We both want them to be smarter than us. Our kids are the most important thing in the world to us both. We both love to watch our kids play sports. We both love to yell and cheer them on. Your just way louder. We are both easy to please. We both get pleasure in the little things in life. We both like to dance. You are just way better at it than I am. You love to color you hair. I love to see what color it is this time when you come out of the bathroom. We both like to get a text message. You love to stick you finger in my nose. I must love you sticking your finger in my nose, because I let you do it. We both love watching our kids actually doing anything. We both think that other people are a little weird. We both love Alexia and think of her as another daughter. We both hate to hurt each other’s feelings. We both think of Mike as a goofball brother. We both want to learn the bible more. We both cried when we walked through the Stations of the Cross in San Juan. We both love to go to the beach. We both love holding hands. We both love leather jackets. We always say what the other is saying at the same time. We can finish each other’s sentences. We both love to hold babies in our arms.
I could keep on going. I think the list of the things that we hate about each other that makes us so different is a lot shorter.
I also gave her a letter once that said things I love about her. Things like:
I love how your hair smells just out of the shower. I love to watch you paint your toes. I love to watch you try to run. I love to watch you brush the girls hair. I love how we play footsie when we lay on the bed watching a movie. I love how you sleep with your leg on top of mine. I love how you can make fun of yourself to make others laugh. I love when you play with my neck. I love your squishy knees. I love when you stick you finger in my nose. I love to watch you read to the girls. I love to see and hear you laugh. I love how never finish a beer. I love your huge heart. I love that your family looks to you. I love to hear you sing. I love to hear you humming.
She said that it would have been nice to hear these things a long time ago.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Puppy, I expected: ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN! WTF! BLLLEEEECCCHHH!!!!
You crack me up. Sure am curious how many years you have under your belt.
Too late. This long ass letter was given to her mid last year. She kept it. Its in a drawer.
Anyways.....
WW was acting a bit weird at home. I figured it was because I went to D11 ceremony and she didn't. We talked a bit. She said she had gone to a daycare that we used to have D's in and found out they had no room. For now, D's will stay at home. Alone. We feel very bad about this, but we cannot afford anything else. Not right now. Especially if she wants to move out. While I was talking to her yesterday morning just after she got to work, she got a call from FIL. She said that she hoped everything was ok. Last night I asked if he was ok. The said yeah and kind of changed the subject. That was strange. I made dinner and we let the D's stay up late. I fall asleep on bed and WW on the sofa with D11. I had already put D6 in bed earlier. Passed out. Not a bad night. WW just looked frazzled.
This morning we talk a little about the guy she referred and we are laughing a bit. WW ask D11 about giving away the puppies this weekend. I am curious about her FIL. I bring it up again. I tell her, "So your dad is ok?" She says, "Yeah, he just told me something that I didn't want to hear."
I left it at that. Not sure what the hell that means. I know he has offered to give $15K to purchase a house closer to town. That was last year before they found the cancer. Maybe she asked him for it and he changed his mind. Don't know. I think that the finance stuff is starting to hit her. She also mentioned a few days ago that S14 mentioned something about his dad wanting child support when he moves in with him.
I make sure to stay upbeat. I notice that she didn't eat her lunch that she took yesterday.
Don't even ask.
She says she visited the day care during her lunch as well as the vet next door. She found out how expensive shots are for the pups.
We are having good days again.
I sure would like to ask her to lunch. I might send her an email tomorrow. Maybe something funny.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Normal evening. WW called after work. I assume she just got out of work. I never know what or where the hell she is anymore. She was nearly home. Told me her window was stuck down and she was going to go back into town to get a part and then take D's to health club. We meet at home. I start to call around for parts. No one has it. Has to be ordered. While on the phone, she is letting me know to order it. She buy it. Like on her account. Lately, it seems like HER account is full of bucks.
Has me thinking. Is she getting money from OM? Don't know.
She is a little distant. I figure its because she didn't do what she wanted to do. She also wanted to go to store to get things for D's to do while they are at home. Never left.
We watch a family movie and eat dinner in front of tv. Just D's, WW and I. S14 is at a friends house. WW tells me that S14 asked nephew to borrow $10 yesterday and that I would pay him back. I knew about this. WW tells me that nephew told him no. I did not know about that. WW was pissed at nephew. Mentions something about "tough love" now. Whatever that means.
D's want to sleep in our bed. I am in living room. I find another app for rental agreement and a brochure for a local apartment complex. It was stuck inside a training brochure from her meeting earlier. Not really hiding it. I just can't see how she will afford it. Help from him? Who knows.
She tells me to go sleep with the D's. I tell her to go sleep with them. I'll stay on sofa. I later hear, "Goodnight" from her coming from the bedroom.
Goodnight.
I sleep fairly well in S14's bed. I am up early. I decide this morning to look at her phone. I see the texts from Saturday from OM. The first one I saw. The second I didn't. The second only said, "Where u at". Text from him yesterday, "What time we meeting" at about 11:15. So she met him for lunch. I also see a text a few days ago from a number I don't recognize. Not much to them. I know it is a guy. I also find out she is using another phone. I have this number now.
Who says snooping is all bad. It is definately going to help me detach from her. Snooping usually makes the snooper all flubbered and emotional and they usually start to grasp and freak out.
It's just making me realize things. My wife is done with me. She wants the other life. The life away from me. I am definately realizing this now. I know everyone is thinking, "Dude, how many times do you have to be hit in the head?"
I am just as stubborn as my wife. I kept thinking that I was in the minority here. That as bad as it seems, we were going to make it. She was just confused.
I think we ALL feel this way. We watch everyone elses sitch and think, "Poor them. I thought I had it bad. Good thing my sitch ain't as bad as theirs."
At least that was what I thought.
Will pull way back. She is not gone yet, though. I will be kind. Watch what I say. Be friendly. No catering. Live for myself and my kids. Try to hold it together for as long as I can.
I promised my kids this.
Sure is weird when some realizations finally hit you. Not saying I have lost hope. I am still "hopeful for her".
And I always will be.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I'm sorry you had to see those things. I know it hurts. This DOESN'T mean that this is her true feelings for you; it only means that it's her true feelings for you right now. She's still fogged out from her contact with OM.
Still, if this helps you pull back (and I do think you need to pull WAY back), this can be a positive thing. We still haven't seen what your wife will do when she ONLY gets cake from the OM, and no longer has any of her other emotional needs met by you. From your descriptions of your wife's moods, I still think she won't handle that well, and will realize what she had in you, and want to come back to you.
Whether she can do that before you lose what's left of your love for her, remains to be seen.
Let her eat but ONE kind of cake for awhile. I'm not so sure she's going to like the taste of it.
Thanks, Puppy. It hurts, of course. Not a freaking out kind of hurt, just one that says you knew this already. Just tried not to see it.
It was good so that I could pull way back. She was just taking it all in and still trying to make plans.
I swear, pulling back seems so detrimental to the R. I guess it is supposed to be. To make her realize.
Just do for me and the kids. I will invite, but not expect.
NO CAKE FOR YOU!
I went to wake up WW as she goes in early to work for a meeting. I fell back to sleep on sofa. Next thing I know, WW is waking me up in a towel asking me what time I go to work.
Uh, could you turn around and pick up that pencil behind you? She looks so tasty.
I tell her normal time.
She leaves and calls me 10 minutes later. The window went up. We talk a little. I could feel myself wanting to talk to her. This and that. I ask her if she was planning on going out of town this weekend. She had wanted to go see her dad again. She says no. We can't afford it. I wish I knew what they discussed the other day.
I tell her how much I don't want to go to work and that she is running late. We keep talking. For about 10 minutes. I say that I have to start to get ready. She tell me to have a good day. I tell her to have a great day. She says thanks.
Not very dark on my part. I have to remember.
Maybe I just want to be dim.
Thats me? Dim and Dimmer.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Frankly, you're not gettin' it. Within 24 hours of seeing those TMs, you're having serving up yet more cake to your wife. You can do what you want, but until you pull back the emotional support rug from under her, she will never have to face her crucible.
The purpose of intel is to give you a clear picture of the truth of what's going on, so you can set out an effective plan to deal with it. If you're not going to use it for that, then it's just so much drama and -- ultimately -- torture for you.
H4H: I swear, pulling back seems so detrimental to the R
I did too and I still do, but we really have no choice. If they will not give up OM, no cake for you.
I had other reasons for being nice to my W, I wanted her to walk out on me and the kids, so I could use that when I eventually file for D.
Now I treat her like a business partner, she is briefed each monrning on what she needs to know regarding running the house when she arrives in the morning and that is it. We discuss schedules kids games, etc. When summer is over, I will have less and less contact with her YEH!!!!!
The ball has always been in her court - I'm not going to wait indefinitely for her to play ball with me, I will find another game in town.
I truly hope your situation works out for you and your W
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
