Start of the long and bumpy road........

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I don't mind. When we spearated we just sold our house and we were moving into two separate places, both of which were significantly smaller than the first. I offered to help her move in but she declined saying I was just trying to work my way back in the house. I said no problem.

I don't think I need to tell anyone that unpacking and downsizing in house size with the "help" of a pair of two year olds is an interesting adventure.

Basically, I would ask her how th emoving was going and just listen and watch. I would give her enough space where she would have trouble treading water but I wouldn't let her drown. When I would see that she was having difficulty, then I would lend a hand. Sometimes I would ask "what can I do if I was over there" sometimes I would just do it. I also never did too much where she felt like I was taking over but always did enough that it was noticed. I always tried to respect her boudaries and that this was her house (i.e. I didn't try to redecorate or alter the appearance of things, just pick things up). At the end of the day if she asked me to go back to my place I did cheerfully. At one point she asked me if I was going back to my place or staying there....I stayed there.

There were a few times where she said she didn't want my help at which point I tried to figure out what she was really wanting or needing without invading her space. One time I went to empty the dishwasher (which had been that way for a couple of days) and she said she could do that. I responded , I know, but you are in the middle of something right now and I am over here so I might as well do something and help out.

There were a couple of times where she was off at a social event and I was at her house taking care of our kids (it was her week with them) that I really kicked butt and made a very noticeable difference.

Basically I think you just need to do what is in your heart and watch the results. If your H is getting irate at your help then stop. If he doesn't say anything or seems happy then continue while respecting his boundaries.

I just decided to be her best friend (after reading one of the posts here). It does require you to hold in a little of your pride...afterall you are helping out the person that has "told" you that he doesn't want you to be part of his life. I just chalk that up to not belieiving anythiing you hear and only half of what you see. Don't expect any praise or thankyous though in time you may start to see some differences in his body language demeanor, his desire to have contact with you. Just do it out of love. AT the end of the day you may not get the result you want, but at least you know you did things from your heart.

This just seems to work in my case. There are many that have benefited from going completely dark and letting their spouses drown in their own space until they decide they want them back. In my case, I feel this would have been a mistake because my W is very determined and this would have just made her say "see...he doesn't love me afterall, I made the right decision". Sometimes she would rather be right than happy.

Hope this rambling helps