Need help planning a response to theoretical A

[iamlost]

Hi all in I/EA/J!

I'm a newcomer and need some advice. My H and I are separated (full sitch link in my sig) and he had a brief long-distance EA after he moved out that he now claims is over.

H is away for a month+ visiting his family, and I am concerned about another EA or PA happening. I'm not going to ask him about it, but there is a possibility that he may TELL me that there is one, because I asked him to be honest and tell me in the future (after I had to play super sleuth to find out about the EA--twice--both times he swore up and down that he was sorry/would never talk to her again/blah, blah, yada, yada).

So, my question is--if he DOES tell me about some kind of A, how should I react? I decided instead of obsessing over it, I would write down what I would say, and then be done with it.

Are there any threads here already about this? I looked and couldn't find any.

I wrote this so far, but have no idea if it's the "right" thing or not. Also please note that my husband does not feel like "a real man"*/thinks he failed me/ruined our marriage/does not want to feel the way he does but "can't help it"/his own father abandoned him family so doesn't have much experience seeing love as a choice, not a feeling, etc. (more info at my sitch):

[He drops theoretical bomb]

Me: I'm hurt, devastated actually, but not surprised. I figured something like this would happen. (Ask a couple questions to clarify--one time thing? Or is this a relationship? etc.)

I'm just sorry that you are hurting so much that you did that/are doing this. The hardest thing about this has been watching you fall. I know you are a better man than this.

(And then what, end the conversation? Say something else?)

*think this is why the long distance EA happened, it was a way for him to feel "like a man" without actually having it be a real relationship which he might fail at.

[iamlost]

Added one more thing: ...I know you are a better man than this. I hope at some point you realize that you are, too.

[No Longer BH]

IL,

First let me say I am so sorry that you find yourself here. This is a place none of us want to be in, but there are alot of great people here that give wonderful, supportive advice. I'm pretty new to this rollercoaster so I dont have alot to offer as of yet. Are you two seeing a MC? Sounds like your H is willing to work on the R but just doesnt know how to make things better. That puts you in a much better position that most of us here. Have hope, as long as he is willing to work on it, take him up on it. Many people have said that after living through the A and fixing the R they went on to have a much better R.

Good Luck.

[iamlost]

Thanks, brokenhearted. Unfortunately, right now my H is not ready to work on the M, or at least not ready to tell me he is. There are hopeful signs, and you're right that he doesn't know how to fix things and wishes he did, but mostly he wants space & time right now, which I am giving him.

I just thought there might be a guide here about any "best practice" ways to respond to an A, in case I have to deal with it. I want to hit the ground running, instead of driving my H back to the long-d EA, which I did before.