I was reading some posts by germ and chazz. Reminded me so much of the pain I went through in 05 when I first found this site.
I have tried to apply those things I learned back then to now but it feels so futile. My divorce was crushing. There was infidelity on her part. I was willing to put it behind me and work through it but....
This relationship. There was no infidelity. Things just changed. We went from talking. You know. Telling each other our most painful experiences we went through in our previous marraiges. And working through issues And understanding each other to " I have things I have to work on" and I am not going to discuss it with you. I am not going to tell you why I feel the way I do.
Its like being hit in the face with a baseball bat. We've all been there. Our closest and most trusted companion one day disappeared. No longer allowed to call them. No longer allowed to share your day. No longer allowed to tell them how much you care...because according to the books and the experts and experience, it only drives them away. And that I think is the most painful. Not being able to say I LOVE YOU. I want to hold you. I've had a bad day and I need to hear your voice.
There were times I looked forward to emails she would respond to. Not because they were a sign of reconsiliation (most were very negative) but at least it was something. ANYTHING! Beat the hell out of the silence and being ignored.
I would think second time around on this. And being with someone who also read these books, I would never be standing there saying to myself "Not Again God" I'm not ready to go through it again.
Well. Here it is ten months and I am tearing up while writing this.
