So here I am. almost 10 months later and I am still pining and crying.
She says its not me. She just feels she was doing things against her better judgement. Wht the hell does that mean? I've always been open minded and able to be talked too.
I am refering to my relationship after my divorce. I got divorced in 2005. Started a new relationship near the end of 2005.
I really thought we had the tools to make it work. Both coming out of a divorce and all. Both having read DB and DR....and failing in holding our marraiges together.
Don't know what to do. I am doing the GAL. but so much zest has been lost. It feels more like going through the motions of life. I struggle everyday to keep from contacting her. More often than not, I have failed at that.
You would think after ten months, I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't feel a need to fix it. I have been through this before. I know these books yet I have such a hole in me that I can't seem to close. I want to scream.
tk-- I am so sorry; it must be so hard to go through this twice. But you know that you will get through whatever comes, now, since you have made it through the experience. As I am not so wise myself, just yet, I will offer some empathy and an ear while others come on to give some advice... --D
I was reading some posts by germ and chazz. Reminded me so much of the pain I went through in 05 when I first found this site.
I have tried to apply those things I learned back then to now but it feels so futile. My divorce was crushing. There was infidelity on her part. I was willing to put it behind me and work through it but....
This relationship. There was no infidelity. Things just changed. We went from talking. You know. Telling each other our most painful experiences we went through in our previous marraiges. And working through issues And understanding each other to " I have things I have to work on" and I am not going to discuss it with you. I am not going to tell you why I feel the way I do.
Its like being hit in the face with a baseball bat. We've all been there. Our closest and most trusted companion one day disappeared. No longer allowed to call them. No longer allowed to share your day. No longer allowed to tell them how much you care...because according to the books and the experts and experience, it only drives them away. And that I think is the most painful. Not being able to say I LOVE YOU. I want to hold you. I've had a bad day and I need to hear your voice.
There were times I looked forward to emails she would respond to. Not because they were a sign of reconsiliation (most were very negative) but at least it was something. ANYTHING! Beat the hell out of the silence and being ignored.
I would think second time around on this. And being with someone who also read these books, I would never be standing there saying to myself "Not Again God" I'm not ready to go through it again.
Well. Here it is ten months and I am tearing up while writing this.
hey there, I'm sorry you found yourself here. I dare wonder, if perhaps she didnt' heal/learned from her D as well as you thought. Perhaps her issues where never really resolved and they just rose up again. You were strong before and you will be strong again to endure and overcome this tk, you will.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Na nanana na nanana na na na na na na nana etc. Ah ah ah... You shoot me glances and they're so hard to read I misconstrue what you mean Slip me a napkin and now that you start Is this your name or a doctor's eye chart? I try and comprehend you but I got a dyslexic heart I ain't dying to offend you, I got a dyslexic heart Thanks for the book, now my table is ready Is this a library or bar? Between the covers I thought you were ready A half-angel, half-tart Do I read you correctly, lead me directly Help me with this part Do I hate you? Do I date you? Do I got a dyslexic Heart? You keep swayin'... what are you sayin'? Thinking 'bout stayin'? Or are you just playing, making passes Well, my heart could use some glasses Try and comprehend you I got a dyslexic heart Do I read you correctly, I need you directly I only went this far Do I love you do I hate you I got a dyslexic heart Na na na na na, etc.
TK... sorry to hear how you are feeling. I went through deep pain and depression during my D and in fact, got dumpped in an R afterward too. So I guess I can relate to that too.
What I have come to believe about any relationship strategies like DBing is that they only increase your chances, they do not provide guarantees.
Frankly, I believe they seldom work. That may sound bleak, but I dont think we would have the "Surviving the big D" community with thousands of posts if DBing worked a high proportion of the time. Thisis not a criticism of the techniques. I do believe they increase the chances a huge proportion. It is simply that nothing can stop a person from leaving an R if they are determined to. Nothing. And human beings are fickle and unpredictable.
It hurts, yes. Your pain is very real. It is, however, not uncommon. DBing or any other strategy only increases odd from terrible up to bad. My take anyway.
So try not to be self-defeating about your outlook of your success with this most recent R. I was not in the best of shape even years after my D. It takes a long, long time to heal. And a lot of pain to get us to take our personal growth and recovery seriously enough to make the most significant changes.
If you can, and I know it is as tough as anything, but if you can, use this pain as an opportunity to learn what it is about yourself that reacts to pain, what it is about yourself that you contributed to the factors that prevented this R from working, and always be on guard for self pity. It will try to sneak up on you and make things worse.
I am talking to you as a brother who has been through many of the same battles. Check my threads, maybe you can relate.
Just hang in there my friend. A day at a time and keep looking for answers. You are not failing. This is just life and the way that R's work in this convaluded age of selfishness and easy-disposable relationships that some people throw away like bic lighters.
We are up against a divorce culture propogated by hollywood and other high profile influences that suggest we can just be in and out of Rs without consequence. And that everyone will be fine. I can tell you, having moved on and even remarried, all is not fine. I am happlily remarried yet I still hurt over my D. Not like I used to but I do feel the pain frequently. We can live with the pain and be happy in spite of it. Yet it is still there.
Let yourself cry. Learn to have a good honest deep cry. That was one of the best things I ever did. It releases so much emotion and allows us to heal. Dont feel bad about it... just learn to do it authentically. God put crying there for a purpose.
Most things you wrote could not have been closer to the things I have been thinking, if I were to have written it myself.
I am sure too that we would agree that it is easier to fix someone elses problems than our own.
I agree with your view on dbing too. And you are very accurate with your opinion on the divorce culture.
I think one of the things that can baffle all of us here, are the things that happen during the break-up. You send a letter to the dumper and they only read what they want to. They only hear what they want to. Its like watching an Oreo Cookie split in half and the part your left with the side without the cream. The person you knew is no longer the part with the cream.
