NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[NikB]

Thanks all!

Kris
Your text situation sounds the same as mine! When OW first showed up I honestly don't think he even knew HOW to text. Now he's bought a phone with the QWERTY keyboard on it so he can text easier. I'll give it a try and see how it goes.. I will be amazed if I end up liking it.

ST
Good point about having more time to respond, too.

Wow - you're right, lots of posts! Difference between kids and no kids, I think.

Michelle, H, Jak - thanks for visiting!

H
The thought of that text/pic coming from another guy's phone ... wow, now THAT would get H's head spinning!

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Unfortunately I didn't make it to class the other night. Very bummed, but the traffic was awful and class was half over by the time I got there (and not a great idea to jump in without the warmup and all that). Oh well, next week.

Been an interesting week. I'm letting anxiety get to me too much again. It all started with this - I need to get my car fixed. There's a recall on one item, and a few warranty items that I need to get repaired. The dealer I bought my car from has a GREAT, well respected service department. The problem is... it happens to be run by OW's latest boyfriend. (wonder if this one's married?)

I don't know a whole lot as I don't ask, but I do know that last fall she had some grand scheme that the 4 of us could all be friends. That I'd be fine with being around her now that she had a boyfriend. (WTF??? You had "boyfriends" the whole time you were involved in at least an EA with my H too, while you tore me apart and faked being my friend. Oh, and they were all married. Oh, and so were you. So no, the fact that you have a boyfriend is not exactly comforting.)

Anyway - I'm not even sure what prompted H to tell me this back in the fall, but he did, so I know a few details. He kept trying to tell me how great the guy was - at the time it felt like he was trying to tell me that the guy was "good enough" for her. Barf. Or maybe convince me that she's serious enough about him to stop being so icky around my H. Who knows. As part of this he was bragging about how the guy runs the service dept. where I bought my car from, and how they just won some award and how proud this guy was of the shop. Great.

I was calm for awhile but when he hinted at the "all 4 of us be friends" thing a second time in the same convo, I totally went off. "Why on earth would I be around that b***ch again after what she did to me when she was pretending to be my friend the first time around", her having a boyfriend is totally irrelevant since she has no idea what faithful means, did he know that I almost threw up in the grocery store when I saw the back of her head, that I'm switching dentists so I don't risk running into her, etc.?? Ugh and no, I was not so proud of that reaction.

Aaanyway.. that was all last fall. Fast forward to this week. I had forgotten the whole dealership thing. I got a reminder about the recall, and asked H for his opinion on where to take my car (original dealer vs. the one closer to our house). He's a mechanic, so it makes sense to ask the expert right? The minute he started talking about how fantastic the service dept. was at the original dealer, I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I still struggle soo much with sharing my fears and stuff with him. The good stuff no problemo, the bad stuff I'm afraid. Not to mention, I'm pissed at myself that I still give her this much "power" in my life. I so admire the people who can run into the OP and be fine with it. I can't IMAGINE getting to that point. Maybe because she was "in" my life so much or something.

I kept hemming and hawing and I finally managed to stammer "I had forgotten about that dealership. There are people there I don't want to deal with, so I don't want to take my car there." Ugh talk about vague right? He knew (sorta) what I meant. He started to say that she isn't there very often and I said "No, him either, I just want nothing to do with any of that." Then he offered to take the car for me and I said thanks but no, I wanted to handle it myself, and I didn't want to encourage any more contact with him (and by extension her) than necessary for work. Ugh. (I should have left the last part out).

He brought it up again last night that the original place is really good, I should consider it. I said "I'm sorry if you don't understand why it's a problem for me but no, I will not be going there. And yes, it bothers me that I feel that way, but I still won't go there."

For some dumb reason, I am letting this affect me WAY too much. I'm flashing back to last fall when I was setting up my "room" and looking at condos and talking to lawyers.

Things are so good. H is pursuing me more, we're talking more. And I'm letting this crap get to me, make me anxious, and as a result I've been kinda snappy. I need to get better about sharing my actual feelings with him, not snapping about unrelated stuff. grrr, why is this so difficult to get through my head?? Changing a lifelong pattern I guess and that's never easy... but man it's frustrating.

My #1 goal today is clearing this stuff out of my head and not letting it affect me ANY more this week. Not worth it and I need to get my PMA back! Maybe spilling it all out here will help.

Oh, and maybe posting a list of positives this week will too!

- Last weekend H and I talked a lot about how work has slowed down for him. Between that, the racing, and the gas prices rising, he's been pretty broke lately and it's bothering him. I thought it was great that he talked to me about all this. (for reference we keep our money separate and split the bills, the rest of what's left is our own $$ to do whatever we want with). I empathized with him a lot and we talked about ideas to reduce other costs to help.

- As an offshoot of the above convo - I suggested (and H agreed) that I could start packing both our lunches. He usually goes out 5 days a week and I do maybe 2-3 (usually just the office salad bar but still, bag lunch is cheaper). We both try to keep it cheap but it adds up. I spent some time Sunday making stuff for all week's lunches. He was really grateful. The first day at work he said everyone was teasing him about not going out to lunch, they even LOOKED THROUGH his lunch and said "Well obviously YOU didn't pack this" (because it was so neatly packaged). We both had a big laugh over that. Every day he thanks me a lot for doing this.

- Side benefit of the lunch thing - I know that at least some of those lunches out were with or at least included OW. Yeah I know she might just bring her lunch now too but somehow it makes me happier to think that if that is in fact the case, at least they're in the work breakroom and he's eating the stuff I lovingly prepared for him.

- I had let my GAL slip a bit last week so back on track with that. Weds. night I met up with some friends after work for happy hour (which turned into happy hours ).

- I DID try the text thing (before I saw OT's note, that's a great future idea!). It was a short flirty note, nothing major. I was bummed because he didn't write anything back - then I was freaking out that I accidentally sent it wrong. Turns out the phone was in the car so he didn't get it til after work. He called me twice on my way home from work asking how far I was from home, how much longer would I be, etc. Thought that was funny. Got home and he was ummm... definitely in a very frisky mood! Not sure if it was the text or just happened to be the timing but we had a verrry good time.

- More GAL'ing - lots of plans for the coming weeks/weekends which I'm excited about. Tomorrow night a "girls night" meetup (including about 5 ladies I already know). One friend met them last weekend and said it's an awesome group. Should be fun! Saturday going with my Mom, Bro, and SIL to the Sunset Magazine "celebration weekend" - basically it's a big open house at their facility. You can check out cooking demos, gardening demos, food/beer/wine tasting, look at their gardens and test kitchen, etc. We go most years and it's really fun! H is invited but he's helping a friend with a racecar motor instead. No biggie, probably not really his thing anyway. The next weekend, doing a "safari" thing in Santa Rosa (yes H, Santa Rosa!) with my Dad, bro, and SIL for Father's day.

- I think I've talked H into trying out kayaking with me, maybe this Sunday. If not, one of the ladies from last night also wants to learn, so she and I can go.

- I got my time off!! WOO HOO!!!! . So 6/13 - 6/22 H and I are both off, with no plans and not much money. I'm excited to find creative ways to make it a fun week together! (and totally thrilled that he invited me to take the time off with him when his was kinda "forced" by his work).

I feel better already.