ms ladybug concerned...MR bug wants to move home.

[Dom R]

Then he said, and this kinda hit the nail on the head, "See. You let your feelings control your actions."
Wow. I DO. But, doesn't everyone? I mean really.

no, they dont. For trivial stuff, sure. But not for important decisions.

My feelings DO control my actions. Isn't that normal? My church has been doing a marriage series, and so the whole love and respect REGARDLESS of how you FEEL is again pounding in my brain.

sounds like the church marriage series, is saying the same thing.
The typical human first response, may be to let your feelings, control your actions.
But if you want a good marriage... you cant allow yourself to be like that.
You have to make a concious decision, to not be that way, if you want a good marriage.
With ANYONE. not just your current husband.

[girlfromipanema]

Ms. Ladybug. I haven't posted to you before, but I think we live in the same area. I can't remember your entire sitch, but thought your h might be a little scary. Of course, I'm only "hearing" your side of the story... Anyway, the point of my post is to ask how long you have been working on the changes that your husband is asking you to make? Has it only been a few months? Maybe your husband just needs more time to SEE the changes are permanent. I'll have to refresh my memory and re-read your thread, but just thought I'd throw my very measly $0.02 at it. It breaks my heart to see families torn apart when it's not necessary.

Hang in there, ladybug.

[ms ladybug]

Hi girlfrompanema! Thanks for responding.
How long have I been working on the changes?? Well, that's a tough one because I backslide on the changes ALL THE TIME. So, no he hasn't seen them for longer than a week or two at a time. Then, WHAMMO! I react! That's what I'm really trying to work on. Not REACTING to everything he says to me, or every bit of evidence I find. It's a tough one, and man he PUSHES my buttons, and I go off. I don't know HOW to remain calm and cool with a husband that puts me down, or critisizes me. He says some far off things, and I can't let that go. I'm not a fair-fighter. I roll my eyes, cross my arms, and get sarcastic. THOSE are my areas I need to change. It's hard. Oh, I live in Clovis. Where are you? Not in panema?

Dom, I look forward to your responses because you're so...honest. You really don't sugar-coat anything. Please tell me that if your wife said, "Do I look fat in this?" that you gave a good answer.

[girlfromipanema]

hey lady.

I'm in Fresno, but girlfromfresno is lame ;-). I sure hope your h never pulls me over. he seems very... intimidating.

First of all, I don't want to sound like I'm bashing you, but you need to figure out a way (I KNOW - it's so hard) to detach so that he can't push those buttons. Let what he says roll off your back. FIGURE OUT A PLAN so he doesn't affect you to the point that you feel compelled to roll your big, beautiful eyes or let out that big, exasperated siiiiiggghhh. If I knew the trick, I'd fill you in. I do feel like I've successfully detached, but it took some time and my h doesn't push my buttons. He doesn't criticize or say hurtful things to me, so I have it much easier.

I still need to re-read your thread, but from what I remember, your h could be pretty hateful and critical. Perhaps in his mind, something has snapped, and he won't be able (or willing) to work on the changes he needs to make until he can believe your changes will actually stick.

It's obvious that he still has feelings for you.

[ms ladybug]

That's exactly what I need to do. Now, to figure out a plan...


hhhmmmm....



this could take some time....

I need a plan...

I've done it before. One of my friends said, "be a duck". Let the water just roll off your back. So, I think, "I'm a duck. I'm a duck. I'm a duck." But eventually I just can't let it go, and I go back to the disrepect (which he deserves). NO. That's not right! He doesn't deserve disrespect!
Damn! Someday I'll get this!

[Dom R]

Dom, I look forward to your responses because you're so...honest. You really don't sugar-coat anything.

*cough*... well, good... 'cause.. Umm.... you have no idea how much I've toned down what I was GOING to say to you on the following subject...

Hi girlfrompanema! Thanks for responding.
How long have I been working on the changes?? Well, that's a tough one because I backslide on the changes ALL THE TIME. So, no he hasn't seen them for longer than a week or two at a time. Then, WHAMMO! I react!
.... I'm not a fair-fighter.

Maybe that's one of the biggest things he's complaning about?
That you have an anger management problem?
and that you cannot accept/admit when you are in the wrong?


ladybug... you have in your husband, something that most of us here would "kill to have".... an unhappy spouse, that actually TELLS YOU why he is unhappy. and even more than that, is willing to WORK TOGETHER with you, if you will just commit to doing work !

But when he asks you to... you avoid committing to making any changes in yourself.

He commented bluntly to you,
"I used to want to go to marriage counseling, but you aren't going to change. You aren't going to do anything the counselor asks you to do So, I just don't think it would be worth my time."

and.. you agreed with him, that you are not willing to change!!
"you're right. We have nothing left to work on then."

This makes me really sad. you have the power to radically change your marriage for the better.. and you are simply choosing not to.

Now, to figure out a plan...
hhhmmmm....
this could take some time....
I need a plan...

most married people, who are as deep in it as you two are, are too emotionally wrapped up to think up a good plan themselves. That's why there are marriage counsellors.

So.. how about this for a plan for you:

1. Apologise to your husband, that you reacted so badly to him when he commented about marriage counselling

2. Commit to trying whatever the marriage counsellor says that you could try changing.

If you do that, I can almost guarantee that your husband will do his part.

IF, and ONLY if, you apologize first. Because that in itself, will be a major change for you: admitting to him that you did something wrong. From the comment he made to you on that subject, sounds like that's another major "problem area" for you, in addition to your anger management issues.

[TwinDad]

Hey Ladybug,

I don't think I have replied to you before. I was going to yesterday but you seemed like you were very down and I figured I might come off like Don but perhaps a little less sugar coated. I have a W who thinks I am the cause of all of the problems. I have accepted that I am the problem for my fair share but I also realize that I may never get her to admit what her part was in all of this. No matter how much I could justify my actions in my mind there is little chance that I will get her to see my side as clearly as I do (at least at the moment).

This always seems to bring me to one question:

Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

There have certainly been times when being right was more important. I can tell you with out a doubt that being happy is more important to me.

It sounds like to me that you very much want your M to work in which case I imagine you would choose being happy.

I have found that when I have let go of being right and have taken responsibility for my actions (including those that my W percieves have happened) and have made changes in my self through actions that I start to notice changes in her demeanor and outlook towards me. I also notice that she starts to make changes of her own without commenting on them.

We both know our part, neither one may fully admit it, it comes down to who is going to make the first move. If you want your M to work and your H is indifferent then you have to be the one to make the move

ladybug... you have in your husband, something that most of us here would "kill to have".... an unhappy spouse, that actually TELLS YOU why he is unhappy. and even more than that, is willing to WORK TOGETHER with you, if you will just commit to doing work !

I second Doms thoughts on this. You are a very "lucky" person to be in this position. When I have asked my W to go to MC she has said you have to want to fix it and I don't want to....