Advice for the LD wife?

[Bagheera]

You wrote: "The day that my wife finally "got it," after more than 20 years of marriage, was one of the most important moments in our relationship, and in my mind, absolutely crucial toward getting our relationship back on track."

I was wondering if you could elaborate on this experience for you? (Or as much as you feel comfortable). I am curious what happened -- how did she know that she "got it"? How did she communicate that to you? How were you able to trust that she actually did "get it"? What were your next steps after she "got it"?

The 'long version' of the story is here in my Original Thread to this board. The 'short version' I gave to DanceQueen not long ago when she asked:

"What was her turning point in realizing her part of the mistakes?"

After plowing through a few relationship self-help books last fall, I finally found The Sex-Starved Marriage in November, which really spoke to how I had been feeling for a very long time, but had not been able to explain well enough to her. I emailed the link to Chapter 1 to my wife from work that day, and held my breath. When I got home that evening, she met me in tears. She finally "got it." To me, this was the real turning point for her.

Just because my wife 'got it' does not mean that she always can say "yes" now: but I do trust that when she can 'Just Do It!', she will. Your husband seems to be looking for a risk-free pathway for his part, and he needs to realize that there are none. He's going to have to work at handling the occasional rejection, just as I have done, RE: my original thread here.

He also might want to seriously consider what I posted in My Latest Thread: that a soft, indirect, timid approach to asking you for sex is NOT a turn-on, and will backfire on him.

I understand all too well what rejection feels like, and the nerve required to take a risk and approach your wife in a "manly fashion" anyway, regardless of a long history of rejections. My wife says she can watch me begin tensing up from about 9:30 PM on (when the last kid has gone to bed) up until the point that I decide to ask. Of course, this is the wrong sign to give, as it makes her tense up too. Obviously (but much easier said than done) the more relaxed and confident I can be, the better the results.

Now you know why I have taken up light meditation exercises....

Best regards,

Bagheera