That is all you really need to understand. Sometimes.. the best things happen right in that moment.. when you would have never expected them. Ah.. so now you see why "No Expectations" is so important.
"I know she always thought I didn't "like her"...she made comments about that all the time. That came from always being so critical of her...finding fault in everything she did."
She may have thought it.. but she did not believe it. If she did.. she would have been gone a long time ago. See.. you can see something someone is thinking. Could have sworn I wrote that down somewhere. Stop.. beating yourself up.. It's not healthy. Stop trying to "fix" what was broken yesterday. Work on today and try and have nothing to "fix".
"Somehow it just felt good to hear her say SOMETHING in reference to the way she thought I felt, or made her feel, or treated her."
Again.. just use it to pull yourself up and strive for more of them.
"Funny how I want her to sit down now and tell me every single thing I ever said or did wrong, and every time I ever made her unhappy so I can tell her I remember."
I don't know if I would make that a goal of mine. It might be a really long list.. and to be honest.. it won't help the way you think it will.
"and something else, off the subject a little. With the way things were between us, I think I thought the same way a lot of the time....probably the same way she felt, even though it was me that started our "vicious circle"."
Funny thing about a circle.. it does not have a starting point or a ending point. Really it does not matter where you start. All that matters is you both walked the same direction.. around and around.. guess what.. it never stops. Same goes for the change.. if you can keep it up.. the exact same thing happens. People get out of "Sync".. they have the same thoughts.. just at different times. Getting back in "Sync" can be hard. Usually getting in "Sync" sounds like this..
"This last couple of months while we have been having these almost daily flings....and swapping stories and chatting, I think we are both surprised by how much we remember about each other's past...likes and dislikes....old war stories, favorite things, etc.....and how well we actually "know" each other."
Does that make sense?
"It's all still inside for both of us.....patience...patience...patience.....never my strong point, but I am learning."
Did I mention.. You should really get some help with this. I understand that DB.com helps.. but it is so much more effective when you can sit down face to face with someone and do it. Nothing wrong with reaching out.. not reaching out would be more of the same for you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I wonder why it seemed so impossible before? Pride? Power struggle? I really don't know.
I have to think our spouses are asking the same questions, right? Why now? Who IS this person? I guess that is why it can take so long, and maybe never happen 100%.....they just can't accept that it is for real, and not some act to trick them into complacency again.....having been subject to the same behavior for so long.
I know I get that feeling sometimes about other aspects of the "transformation"....she is surprised that I am more open to doing different things, going different places, etc. Do you know how many times she or my daughter have asked me to sit and play cards or a board game with them, and I always had an excuse.
We were sitting down the other night playing a game, and my daughter came in from work and saw us (the 18y old who NEVER hangs out with Mom & Dad).....ohhh, I want to play!!, and sat with us for an hour, playing and chatting before heading out with friends.
"Funny how I want her to sit down now and tell me every single thing I ever said or did wrong, and every time I ever made her unhappy so I can tell her I remember."
I don't know if I would make that a goal of mine. It might be a really long list.. and to be honest.. it won't help the way you think it will.
Oh, trust me, I know....it's a thought that crosses my mind once in while, but it is not like hearing the list would make it any better. I know she will never forget, but I hope for forgiveness.
Stop.. beating yourself up.. It's not healthy. Stop trying to "fix" what was broken yesterday. Work on today and try and have nothing to "fix".
Believe it or not, those are almost the exact words I used to hear from my wife.....with a "you can't change the past thrown in for good measure"....she was trying.
"Believe it or not, those are almost the exact words I used to hear from my wife.....with a "you can't change the past thrown in for good measure"....she was trying."
Great minds think alike....
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"It's all still inside for both of us.....patience...patience...patience.....never my strong point, but I am learning."
Did I mention.. You should really get some help with this. I understand that DB.com helps.. but it is so much more effective when you can sit down face to face with someone and do it. Nothing wrong with reaching out.. not reaching out would be more of the same for you.
OK...so now...I guess I am going to prove to myself just how bad I still am...the insecurity, the impatience, after saying it is not.. Not really, but a little venting nonetheless....it helps me to figure this all out....until I get the counseling which I accept will have to come.
With all the time we have spent together and all the things we have done in the last several weeks, I really have been thinking to myself...she....we...need to spend some time away from each other.
It just seems no matter the day, the time, the activity...she accepts. We have a good time and it has repeated itself all this time.
She just makes no effort to spend time away from me and you have heard me ask...wonder, should I be the one to get away a little more, even though we are having so much fun?
So...here I am thinking she should go out, do something, go out with the girls...anything, just so I can show her the "new me". Show her how I am not that insecure guy who worries where she is every minute of the day and when she is coming home, or who she is with.
...and an hour ago she texts me to say she is going out with the girls.
Bam...and the insecure, smothering guy is back in a second. No not to her, but man...what a jackass I am. I have had it so easy through all of this so far and this bothers me??
I can count the days on one hand in the last 2 months where she acted like she did not want to be with me, and this gives me an empty, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach?
The changing of my attitude towards her...treating her right, showing her how much I cherish her...that is the easy part, because I do cherish her.
Each day I need to learn a little bit more about myself. I guess I can't do that if there is nothing to bring out these things that I still need to work on. She has just been making it too easy for me.
Anyone care to stop by and slap me in the back of the head? Forrest...Bworl? Come on...I know you want to....LOL
Forrest.. Points his finger at T... then falls to the floor laughing... wooo.. that was a good one. Hold on let me clear my throat.. cough,cough .... I told you! Which part of get some help with that did you not understand. You are gonna fight yourself on this.. I guarantee it. Here is what I suggest.. find somebody to talk to. Its great you did not let her see it.. but what happens when you slip?? Bye.. Bye.. Chance number 3. You know what to do.. you just keep trying to figure out why.. Just do it already!!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
If she had done this 6 months ago, she would already be peed at me because I said the wrong thing.....or would not have even gone, for fear of the battle that would ensue, or the snide remarks about "where she was, or who she was with"....
Must....fight.....for....control.....shock therapy maybe? One of those dog collars that gives a shock? Every time I have one these thoughts I could just give myself a zap.
Really though...it's just the stress of it all....not wanting to lose her..waiting for the other boot to drop...spending SO much time together constantly gives the impression things are progressing in the right direction....and if they are and we end up staying together, these are the things I need to get past. She NEEDS her independence....we both need our independence if we are to be together and have a normal life.
As I said, I do cherish her. I would not be putting myself through this if I didn't.
I will get there if she lets me...checking the area for counseling this week...need to check with my insurance co. about coverage....really, I have already looked into it.
Its hard to let go of control.. Trust me I know what I am saying.
"Really though...it's just the stress of it all....not wanting to lose her..waiting for the other boot to drop...spending SO much time together constantly gives the impression things are progressing in the right direction...."
Your holding it too close.. she has not left yet.
Just like you said.. you both need some independence.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Now you get to show that THAT aspect of the old person has changed as well.
You know how insane your insecurity sounds because you said so yourself.
There is no healthy couple on the face of the earth that spends every blessed minute together.
Healthy is EVERY aspect of your life in tune and working the way it should.
This is a SIGN to you, FROM HER. It tells you that she is feeling some security. Enough security to risk asking for something that in the past would have brought recrimination from you.
So...
You're up to the plate and the pitcher just fired off a curve ball. You going to whiff out of impatience, or are you going to keep your weight back and send that curve ball out of the park?
If you're half the man I've come to believe you are, I know that you'll be circling the bases with the crowd cheering.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
