Sex enough to rekindle marriage after E&P Affair?

[cat03]

for a while there I was piecing and was assaulted with thoughts of ow, I was able to forgive him but thoughts did assault me constantly. You have to ask yourself what do you want? a happy M? to be a strong couple again? if so, how are your reactions helping you get to that goal? are your words/actions hurting or healing?
There is only so much you can beat up a dead horse, emotional outbursts just send you back to square one.
While my stbx was with me I helped paid his MLC/A cc bill, either forgive with all your heart or wallow in resentment, what do you want to do?
There is no such thing as forgive as forget, our mind can never forget what we've seen/know, BUT we can reach a level in which we can think of past hurts without condemnation. He can't earn that grace, you have to give it freely, like God forgives us without us deserving it or earning it.

Here are some nuggets I saved when I was in the piecing forum:

As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.

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Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times, OR the bad times, expecting that emotion, circumstance or fate will intervene and keep things going is a recipe for failure.

You are breeding negativity.
STOP IT.
Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him.
A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself.
He needs someone to give him a chance.
Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance.
If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
What if.....?
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Whatever proves to be the hardest thing for you to do is precisely what you HAVE to do.
If it's bringing up OP, then you have to stop.
You just have to stop it.
You're giving her too much power.
SHE'S NOTHING.


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"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."

My point is... cheaters lie. It's not ok. But. He wants YOU. He wants his life back. He wants this to just be over, but he's having a hard time facing the mess he made. Right now, just NOW, he is lying because he wants you to believe him again (i know, i know, it's really twisted) and is terrified that the other shoe will fall and you'll give up on him. He is terrified that you will throw this in his face forever. You may have NEVER done that, but they figure they would, and that they deserve it, so they think they have lost the right for your trust. This is underneath.

If you expect your spouse to be selfish and weak and lax in her/his efforts in your relationship, that's exactly what you'll look for first in every sitch. The positives just won't be enough to take your attention away from the negatives. She/he in turn senses the criticism and you both continue on the downward spiral.

Things aren't perfect now. Will they ever be? Maybe not in this life, but we have to get there from here somehow, and find some joy on the journey. I'm glad you are grateful for how far you've come.

You've struggled and been patient for a long time...maybe a new level of patience is what is required here and now - how would your spouse respond if she/he was treated in a way that displayed to her your full respect for a week, a month, three months...free from any subliminal accusation or frustration?

Just accept her/him for who she is beneath all the frailties and mistakes-

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.