ms ladybug concerned...MR bug wants to move home.

[ms ladybug]

Feeling pooply about things today.
I just feel like since we've sep, there is too much crap between us, that we'll never be able to muddle through it. We've had very little contact in the past couple weeks. The kids call every night to say good-night, but other than that, we don't talk much.
Then Tues, I sent him a text saying that I was feeling "frisky", (I know, not DB, but it was fun). This led to a dozen or so messages sent back and forth that got pretty steamy. It ended with him calling me and seeing if I want him to come over, which of course after those messages, I did. Then he said, "my only concern is that the only time I hear from you is when you want sex, or you want to tell me something about the kids...not that you want my input, but you just want to tell me the decisions YOU'VE made about the kids."
That made me sad, so when he came over, I said, "It nice to see you. I love you and we don't even have to have sex if you feel like I'm using you."
He said, "You ARE using me, but I want to have sex too."
I said, "That's not what I want you to think."
He said, "Then why haven't you called me?"
I said, "I've been mad."
Then he said, and this kinda hit the nail on the head, "See. You let your feelings control your actions."
Wow. I DO. But, doesn't everyone? I mean really. Why would I call him when he'll just blame me for everything that's wrong with the world? My feelings DO control my actions. Isn't that normal? My church has been doing a marriage series, and so the whole love and respect REGARDLESS of how you FEEL is again pounding in my brain.

So, anyways, we had a great night (three times!). The next morning he left after saying good-bye to the kids. My S2 asks where daddy is (actually he asked where his motorcycle is). I said, "daddy left." And d4 said, "He went back to nana and papas house where he LIVES. I want daddy to move back home!" Ouch!!

Anyways, we left things on a really good note, so I called him yesterday on my way home from work just for small talk. He says, "Why are you calling me all of a sudden like this?" I said, "Do you not want me to call?"
He said, "I just don't know what your angle is. What do you want?"
I said, "I want to establish a friendship with you. Maybe we can see each other a little more, go out, MARRIAGE counseling?"
He said, "I used to want to go to marriage counseling, but you aren't going to change. You aren't going to do anything the counselor asks you to do (again ALL THIS being MY fault). So, I just don't think it would be worth my time."
I said, "You're right. We have nothing left to work on then. Nothing's going to change. Counseling would be a waste of time. I knew last night would be a mistake. I knew it would bite me in the a**. "(OK, a hint of sarcasm, but a lot of seriousness).
He said, "you don't have to say that. Why don't you tell me what you're going to change. What's going to be different." (again ALL MY fault).
I said, "If I tell you what I want to work on, you'll just hold it over me, and tell me that I can't change."
He said, "You can't."
I said, "Then what are we doing?"
He said, "You're not willing to admit that you f'd things up."
I said, "I f'd things up? By myself??"
That's when he hung up on me...

I sent him a text that said, "In you eyes nothing is able 2 change. If that's the chance I have, then let's not prolong things anymore. Sorry about last night."

I even regret the great sex.

That night, when the kids called to say good-night, he told me that he's thinking of changing his cell phone provider (we have a shared plan now). He asked if I was interested. I said, "no." Looks like one more separation.