I want to reiterate how much I appreciate your kind, thoughtful messages. Really.
I like your suggestion for the exercise -- I will do it. I think what you're saying about the disconnect between my husband and my sexual self is very true. I feel so completely connected to him in so many other ways, but I have been unable to figure out how to deal with this lack of connection. I've contemplated orchestrating romantic weekends, have started 'date nights" or have made sure we spend quality time together, which is nice, but still doesn't seem to further our sexual relationship. I'll work on the exercise you suggested and keep you posted.
Last night, I broached the topic of trying the "just do it" strategy with my husband. I think it was a productive conversation, albeit difficult, because it got us talking honestly (and without anger) about what it would take for us to try that. We're talking again tonight, but have asked each other to contemplate a list of questions to help further our discussion.
Puppy Dog Tails asked about my husband's perspective. My husband is extremely hurt and fearful of being hurt again. He feels especially unloved -- as I've been his only partner, it raises questions about whether he is even lovable (which breaks my heart). He is angry because he feels that I have put him in this situation, which is out of his control. He has begged me for years to try and do something about this, but due to my fear/inability to act, I have for a long time let his pleas go by the wayside. Nowadays, he's also angry because he doesn't understand how somebody who loves someone else, can also put them through such pain. He feels that he is at the end of his rope and has given everything he can, and needs me to step up and fix this situation. That said, he says he wants to be able to be as close to me as I'll let him, with or without the sex, because he loves me and considers me a soulmate. He is also in counseling to address his side of the issue, and seems gingerly willing to try things as long as he can be sure he won't be hurt once again.
Anyway, to get back to last night's discussion. My H asked me to think about several things: 1) Is there some way that I can figure this out (how to prevent myself from pulling away, how to execute sex, how to want to be with him) that doesn't involve him being the guinea pig? (as the "just do it" -- herein abbreviated JDI-- strategy might do). 2) What can I do to make him more willing to try the JDI strategy? 3) What contraceptive methods am I willing to try (other than birth control pills, which I would rather avoid (keeping meds to a minimum) and condoms, which reduce his pleasure)
In addition, he's thought of several things that would have to happen for him to consider the JDI strategy: 1) I no longer feel repelled by being sexual with him 2) I think about what it means to be excited together, and do things that are exciting to him. (note: exciting does not mean "pleasurable". I am still mulling over what this means.) 3) It cannot feel like "work" or "clinical" when we're just doing it 4) I need to have an idea why I put my husband through this pain.
I have asked him to contemplate some questions too: 1) Think about what else he needs in order to try the JDI plan 2) What are things he can do by himself (ie: not with me) that can help him be more open to the JDI plan? 3) Discuss the JDI plan with someone else he is close to and get their feedback 4) When I'm done with the book, read SSM.
So, I'm considering my questions and how to answer.
In other news, this morning, we had some nice semi-intimate time in bed when we woke up with cuddling, rubbing, touching. I was particularly aware of my desire level, and found that when I paid more attention to how I moved (stimulating various parts of my vagina by rubbing against my H's genitals) in order to feel pleasure, it heightened my interest. You might say, um, YEAH, of COURSE. I should point out that in the past, I have felt inhibited to move in order to heighten my own pleasure. Rather, I've thought of it as for OUR pleasure, and have felt somewhat self conscious about moving/rubbing/acts that intensify my own pleasure. I think it goes back to the old feelings of "good girls don't do this". Somehow my brain has made the connection self pleasure=bad. I need to figure out how to break that connection.
Also, after my shower this morning, we had some simple hugging/touching time with me in my towel and him in his underwear, and I remember feeling at one point a distinct fear (hard to pinpoint, unless I'm being extremely aware of myself) and urge to move away and go do something else. Instead, I told myself that this is my husband and he loves me, and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. That helped.
So, in addition to the mental gymnastics of trying to figure this all out, I think I need to have some idea of why I have these fears. What am I afraid of? Losing myself? Losing him? Again, I reiterate, there's no history of abuse (as far as I know), so it seems somewhat irrational to me.
Ok, that was a lot of stuff.
Anyway, I appreciate the thoughts and will keep working.
