OK so here is the conversation I had with my wife today. I dropped my son off and was making small talk with my wife and exchanging jokes. She begins to make comments on how she likes my new shoes?, how she likes my new haircut, and my new shorts, well none of them are new as she has seen them all before but anyways I thanked her and told her she looked nice as well. So as we were talking she brings up the whole me not answering my phone last night at 1 am. I explained that I forgot it at home when I left for work,which I did. So I then asked her if it was my SD that called or if it was her. She told me that it was her and that she wanted to get a little. I never responded to that.
Fast forward to tonight while I was at work and she calls again. She asked if I thought about what she said. I said yes I have thought about it but never gave an answer. So she then asks what time I will get off work tonight and I told her that I will be working late. So then she asks if I would accept a raincheck and she would call tomorrow.
What do I say, mind you it has been a while for me!! I am not getting my hopes up that this may be a sign or anything but women have their needs and so do I. It is hard for me to say no to a beautiful woman but should I accept or what?
Because if she's not committed to making the marriage work, then she's using you for sex and then you will feel used when she hands you divorce papers.
I strongly suggest you communicate with her. Look back there was a post I suggested three things to say,...
Something like, listen, you've been giving me a lot of mixed signals. One day you ask me to lie down with you or stay and eat with you or rub your back or visit with your out-of-town relatives, and now this. And then you tell me you've seen a lawyer and are preparing divorce papers. Then when I politely decline dinner or miss your call you get angry.
Why don't you tell me what's going on inside you?
And then just really listen.
Tell her look, I don't want the marriage we had either. But if you'd like to work on a new and improved marriage let me know. But if you want to get divorced and just have me for companionship off and on, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I want more.
Then give her a passionate kiss and take off. Let her think about that for a while.
jonzy, sorry man just kinda been floating....been in my own 'fog' for a few days.
"She told me that it was her and that she wanted to get a little. I never responded to that."
This is always a TOUGH sitch, to be a 'booty call' or not to be a 'booty call' some would say if you realize that's all it would be well then why not? Depends on where you are at. IMHO I think Tink is spot on DON'T! Your sitch is to upside down, with her being in and then out of it. Stay status quo semi-dark. I would say something like, I would like that also but I am just not in a place where I can deal with that right now, or that would be nice but I don't want to give you the wrong impression that it's okay... use your own words I think you will know what to say.
No this is no sign right now she doesn't know what she wants, that is part of the rollercoaster my friend don't buy a ticket. It's a cheeseless tunnel you have a right to your feelings and right now they have to come first IMO it will just hurt you more.
Stay the path keep working on yourself, you have some good GAL plans going on that's great. She is noticing things stay the strong man that you are becoming she will flip flop back and forth so expect it and be ready in your mind how to handle it stay sharp you have to be on your game, don't let her suck you into the drama.
You have been getting some good advice from the others follow it fit it into your sitch and use it to your advantage. Be nice to her care as a friend would. Remember it's not about being mean to her it's about helping yourself to be better, don't do things out of bitterness take the higher road. You are starting to detach some and that is the key, don't 'react' but 'act' of your own accord don't let her bait you into a response that will fuel her reasoning.
By the way I live in Lincoln, so howdy old neighbor.
Stay the path, work on you, remember at this point you're a father and a friend unfortunately not a husband ya feel me?
Do you all think that saying things like "you are sending mixed signals" is OK? I've posted on my sitch, but I'm really looking for advice. It would be good for Jonzy to know, too, because it really does look like your W is "testing the waters" to see how you will react.
Is it "more of the same" for you to complain about her sending mixed signals? I would think if it is normal of the old you to do that, then perhaps avoid that conversation and "act as if"
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
The point is to avoid starting any R talks, let the WAS do that. Learn to validate and say "Iunderstand why you... or "I can see why that made you feel that way..." yes act "as if"
If a R talk is started by them and it gets uncomfortable then learn to say "right now I prefer not to answer" or "let me get back to you.." don't let them bait you into something you won"t be able to get out of with validating.. it's okay to walk away if it is leading down a cheeseless tunnel...
At least be able to say something that won't be confrontational and that can give you time to think before just reacting.
Do you all think that saying things like "you are sending mixed signals" is OK?
Hi if you're referring to my suggestion to Jonzy, it is not in general, it is specific for a specific situation and a specific reply in a specific way to the WAS initiating specific subjects.
Now I am starting to understand alot of this terminology since I finally got my books. I have been reading and taking lots of notes so time to put my evil diabolical plan into play...muhahahaha. Sorry just been in a great mood lately and me and my son are hanging out and playing Hulk smash 'em!! Will have to see the wife here in a couple of hours and I feel like I should just throw her onto the floor and start making sweet l... oops started daydreaming again
Good point, Tink. Jonzy....keep up the good work. Being happy for the sake of being happy for yourself is a hard thing to do for all of us here. Take it while you have it and enjoy! It can only get better
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
