LOL Pup. Cigars. I'm not a smoker, but WW is. My vice of choice is skoal. Anyway, a couple years ago we were in a dueling piano's bar while on vacation and we got a nice cigar and sat there sharing it and I have to admit I found it totally erotic watching WW smoke a cigar.
Ok, let me have it ladies.....
So what do you think about the anger Pup? Normal? Will I get over it if she continues to come around?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Yes, your thoughts are perfectly normal. All of your defenses have been up, and you've been pretty much emotionally and intellectually "checked out" of the marriage, as a defense mechanism, hoping for the best but living as though it would be the worst. Now that she appears to be coming back to you, all of the pain, anger, and resentment come flooding back.
I did the same thing -- BUT -- my wife was remorseful, so I found it much easier. (At least she was in GENERAL -- she still had some raging fits of entitlement, as I've written before).
Buddy, I hate to say it, but you're going to need to start thinking about what you're going to do if your wife is willing to continue to come back to your marriage, but you DON'T get the tearful remorse and apologies you seem to be so desperately seeking. According to Harley, this is actually the norm, and many, many betrayed spouses are NOT prepared for it -- and to some, it is a DEALBREAKER, in fact. It would have been for me, but everyone is different.
We're taught to judge our wayward spouses by their actions, and not their words. So what to do, then, when their action speak "reconciliation," but their words are "business as usual."
That's a tough one.
I would tell you this: although sometimes the remorse NEVER comes, it does sometimes come a good six months, nine months -- even a year later. Your wife probably has not even BEGUN to allow herself to face, and process, the depth of what she's done.
LOL Pup. Cigars. I'm not a smoker, but WW is. My vice of choice is skoal. Anyway, a couple years ago we were in a dueling piano's bar while on vacation and we got a nice cigar and sat there sharing it and I have to admit I found it totally erotic watching WW smoke a cigar.
Ok, let me have it ladies.....
What??? She'll sit and watch hockey with you, AND she smokes cigars?? And you've thought about letting this woman GO????
I've read that from Harley also. And with the books she's reading and her attitude she seems to think that the affair is ok because it's been wonderful for her.....but what about me?
Could I get past it without the remorseful apology? I'm not sure. Could I get past it without an in depth discussion about how, why and what so we can make sure it never happens again? I don't think so. And really, I'm not sure I ever see WW being willing to discuss the how, why and what. And if she's not willing to discuss that stuff it'll show me she's not willing to face her part in this mess and YES, I believe that would be a deal breaker for me. I can accept my contribution to the condition of the marriage that allowed this to happen, but if she can't face her own demons and why it happened, I'll never feel safe that she won't do it again if we hit a rough patch in the marriage, and I can't live like that.
So maybe in a 6 months, 9 months, she'll be all over me because of the changes I'm making and she'll commit to the marriage and I'll be the one walking.....
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
LOL Pup. Cigars. I'm not a smoker, but WW is. My vice of choice is skoal. Anyway, a couple years ago we were in a dueling piano's bar while on vacation and we got a nice cigar and sat there sharing it and I have to admit I found it totally erotic watching WW smoke a cigar.
Ok, let me have it ladies.....
What??? She'll sit and watch hockey with you, AND she smokes cigars?? And you've thought about letting this woman GO????
LOL.
Pup
Yep, I know smoking and chewing tobacco is one of the worst things you can do to your body, but I even find it sexy watching WW smoke cigarettes.
Let the beatings commence.
Last edited by Hope4us; 06/05/0812:33 PM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I've read that from Harley also. And with the books she's reading and her attitude she seems to think that the affair is ok because it's been wonderful for her.....but what about me?
Could I get past it without the remorseful apology? I'm not sure. Could I get past it without an in depth discussion about how, why and what so we can make sure it never happens again? I don't think so. And really, I'm not sure I ever see WW being willing to discuss the how, why and what. And if she's not willing to discuss that stuff it'll show me she's not willing to face her part in this mess and YES, I believe that would be a deal breaker for me. I can accept my contribution to the condition of the marriage that allowed this to happen, but if she can't face her own demons and why it happened, I'll never feel safe that she won't do it again if we hit a rough patch in the marriage, and I can't live like that.
So maybe in a 6 months, 9 months, she'll be all over me because of the changes I'm making and she'll commit to the marriage and I'll be the one walking.....
Maybe. Or maybe she'll come around more slowly, on HER timetable, and not yours. I don't think she's ready yet. So long as her ACTIONS aren't wayward, and she is reasonably loving toward you, I think you have to ride it out, don't you?
Look at it another way -- the OPPOSITE way: what if her words and emotions were all full of tearful remorse, and her reading was full of deep introspection . . . but her ACTIONS were wayward? Unacceptable, right?
Good point Pup. I know this is one of my problems. I like things to work on my time table and HOW I want them to work and it just isn't going to happen that way.
And you're right. The last couple weeks she's not been acting wayward at all. Still pretty darn foggy, but her actions are showing me she's at least trying.....
And I think I do know that if she does get to the remorseful state, it will take her a while. It's like, because she's a GOOD person (which she has been for 23 out of the 24 years we've been together) that it will take her a long time to come back because for her to have an affair she REALLY had to convince herself our marriage was crap because if it wasn't, she wouldn't have done this. We all know better....affairs can happen in good marriages as well as bad....but because it happened in a good marriage she had to create this TERRIBLE marriage so she could feel ok about it, and it's going to take her a long time to change her thinking.
One good thing though. I talked to my friend Deb yesterday and told her that WW had thought about calling her and Deb said she would like that. So I told WW that last night. If WW calls her it will be GOOD because Deb had an affair of her own years ago and she and her husband are happier than ever now and I think WW talking to a real friend and not just the enabler GF it will help. Plus Deb's daughter's grad party is Sunday and while I haven't asked WW if she's going with me to the party yet, I bet she will. Another good thing for her to see what she'd be giving up....
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
LOL Pup. Cigars. I'm not a smoker, but WW is. My vice of choice is skoal. Anyway, a couple years ago we were in a dueling piano's bar while on vacation and we got a nice cigar and sat there sharing it and I have to admit I found it totally erotic watching WW smoke a cigar.
Ok, let me have it ladies.....
Yeah, something about a woman sitting at a bar, alone, smoking and drinking brown liquor . . . LOL.
What??? She'll sit and watch hockey with you, AND she smokes cigars?? And you've thought about letting this woman GO????
LOL.
Pup
Yep, I know smoking and chewing tobacco is one of the worst things you can do to your body, but I even find it sexy watching WW smoke cigarettes.
There a comment there Pup, or did you just like the comments that much?
I texted WW a bit ago and told her I thought I was going out for a couple drinks tonight and would she like to join me? She replied "I don't know, but I doubt it". I replied, "Ok, I am going to go and if you want to join me, great". She replied, "I'll let you know if I change my mind".
We used to always love to do this. Go have a couple drinks after work. Why won't she do it now? Is she afraid that if she goes out with me and has a couple drinks and some fun that she'll have to admit that I'm not so bad afterall?
Don't know and don't care. I'm going to go have fun, with or without her!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I say get out of here head for a while and just go relax and have fun. You deserve it since you have been on one long rollercoaster ride! You can have a drink for me since I don't drink. lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
