I want to give you a suggestion. Maybe one of your counselors has given you this one or you've read it somewhere already.
The suggestion is this: Try spending your day fantasizing about you and your husband. Any time you have a free moment to daydream, deliberately create a love scene in your mind between yourself and your husband. You do not have to make this a sexual fantasy. It can be about kissing, hugging, mashing, or just cuddling or talking. But get really into the fantasy. Even if just for a moment or two at a time.
Try to spend 30 minutes to an hour of total time during one day (not necessarily all at once) fantasizing about you and your husband together in some form of intimacy. Then take a day off. Then the next day, do the fantasies again every time you have a moment to yourself with a clear head and no distractions, close your eyes, and go to that scene again...again try to end up spending 30 minutes to an hour total.
Do this every other day for a few weeks. This is just a starter exercise, to begin getting your mind used to the idea of intimacy with your husband. You may find that your mind fights these fantasies, or you get bored and are not really getting into them. The point is not to really get that into them. It won't be the same as fantasizing while trying to achieve orgams. This will just be fantasizing for the fun of it, even if it doesn't seem fun at first.
If you do this for a while and find it easy, then start adding spice or nudity or more sexual ideas to the fantasy. Just make sure it is YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. Don't let your mind drift elsewhere.
During other times - you are free to fantasize the way you normally would (similar to watching other people on TV like you described). But when you are really trying to apply the above exercise, make sure it is ONLY you and your husband. You can either watch yourselves like on tv in your fantasy, or you can try to "be" in the image of you. Either way, or change it up.
Your mind currently has no connection between your husband and your sexuality. Your mind does have connection between him and your intimacy and emotions, but not your sexuality. You have to put mental effort into "linking" him up with your sexuality.
Your issues are very much fixable, sweetie. I want you to NEVER tell yourself that it is hopeless or that you are some kind of failure. What you are describing happens to lots of women, and men too! Being profoundly sexually intimate with a person is very difficult! I have never understood how some people can just be completely sexually intimate with a stranger (no judgement there, I just can't imagine doing that).
I have had some similar issues to yours in getting very close and sexually intimate - I can relate to what you are saying. There is something so personal about being sexual at all in any way, that it is frightening to be so vulnerable as to express that sexuality "out loud" in front of someone, so to speak. It has taken me my whole life to truly meld intimacy, emotional and romantic love, and sex all into one person and one relationship. I am finally "there" - and it was a long road. Hopefully yours will not be as long! I sure wish I had read SSM when I was young and married, like you.
Let me know what you think about the exercise. I have other suggestions, too. But I want to know what you think first.
Most important, tell yourself RIGHT NOW - THIS CAN WORK. You don't know how its going to work yet, but your body does. Trust your body that it will know what to do once you let go with your mind. It may take a long time but that is really OK...you will succeed and that is the important part. Don't let your mind tell you that you are going to fail. YOU WON'T.
You are headed toward your own beautiful, natural, sexual self to be released with your loving husband. This is where you are supposed to go, and inside you know that and you are listening to that inner "you" who says "I want to be free to express my sexuality with the man who loves me". That voice cannot be stopped once you start letting it talk to you. Give it power and voice and follow it. Its stearing you toward heavenly bliss you will not believe you were missing.
