Too late for DB, thread 7

[cw68]

What a day. I am feeling much, much better after sleeping the whole morning and part of early afternoon. But today was an important day for me.

This afternoon I went to a doctor's appointment; I have a couple of spots on my skin that I wanted the doctor to look at. One is suspicious, but just looks like squamous cell carcinoma and it's highly treatable. My face, neck and arms have a lot of freckles and sun damage. While I don't really burn, I tan easily and used to tan A LOT. My frosh year in the dorms I was voted "tannest in the hall" because not only did I lay out, I waterskied every day I could and spent my time on the water. While I'm not wrinkled at all, I expected some kind of payment for all those hours under Hawaiian Tropic w/out sunscreen.

However, today I decided to talk to my doctor about me having adult ADD. I've been thinking about this for years. All the self-tests show I have it, my school record, work record, habits, etc. Back in the 70s you didn't diagnosed kids, but if I was a child today, I'm sure I would have been recommended to see someone about it. It was time to take some kind of action.

Facing the prospect of having to care and support two kids (with child support, my H is generous this way) and myself for the rest of my life, I figured it was time to get my act in gear. I've had a hard time keeping care of this big house we live in and am procrastinator number one. This is one of the 180 things I've been trying to do and, while I've definitely made progress I need to make more. I've had decent jobs before, but haven't ever excelled like I know I'm capable of and that was mostly because I was forgetful, unmotivated and unable to focus.

My doctor, who knows me well, agreed with me and we talked at depth about what to do. The first is I'm going on a trial of adderall to see how it affects me. The long term plan is to get more tools to help me. Last summer I got a Blackberry just to sync with my Mac calendar because I was forgetting everything. It's helped tremendously and apparently scheduling alarms is a great tool for adults with ADD. She recommended a few books, talking with my C about life coaching and organizational ideas and trying the medicine on for size for a few weeks, then taking weekends off, then just taking it when I had big projects on which I had to focus.

I feel like I grew up a little today and faced some personal demons. I am only telling the people on here and one of my sisters. I cannot tell my H, I know he'd either flip or lose respect for me. H is generally a good guy, but really doesn't like drugs or pills of any kind and it's not something I think he needs to know. Not now, maybe not ever.

On my R, journaling here. I was very sad today, I think mostly because I was sick. I drug myself to my S5's last tball game, where H sat next to me, but moved his chair back a foot or so and it bothered me. I don't know why he did it. But then he moved it back. His large hand was just inches from mine and I longed for it to reach over and take mine, comforting me in my illness. Then I thought about how that was gone and then it led to the "He just doesn't love me" thoughts. How can he not love me? How could he fall out of love with me? It was so painful. At one point, I slipped and reached over, putting my hand on his. He squeezed my hand tightly and I said, "I miss you." D'oh! He said, "What?" and I said, "Nothing." and I calmly pulled my hand away. Then as we were leaving and the kids were going to his apartment, I started getting weepy. I didn't want H to see and he hugged me tightly (no more kisses) and I just wanted to bury myself in his arms. It felt really good, partly because it was him and partly because I was sick. I said, "I love you." D'oh! He just said, "I love you guys." Grrr. I'm so angry at myself. Totally set myself up for that one.

Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow. All around.