Onward and upward

[mishka422]

I have been thinking a lot last night and today about this. I'd really like your opinions about how I handled this.

H had called me at work Monday to ask if I was taking S13 to karate. I told him I had planned on it and he said he wanted to take him on Tuesday night. I said that was fine. He confirmed the time with me and asked me if I had plans this weekend as he would be off and could take S on one of those days if I wanted to go out. I told him I'd let him know. (begin scramble for something to do!)

Tuesday rolls around, H texts S13 to tell him he would pick him up at 7:45p. I never talked to him yesterday so didn't confirm. He was working a day shift yesterday so I thought it was a little ambitious of him to want to take S to karate since he doesn't get off until 7pm on a good day but whatever. Not my problem really.

At home and S13 is waiting by the window for his dad. 7:45p rolls by and no H, 7:50p - no H. I tried calling him then as class starts at 8:00p and he can't be more than 5 minutes late or the class won't count. Straight to voicemail. Waited a minute and called again. H answers and sounds annoyed. I asked if he was almost here. He said "OH sh&t. I lost track of time, I'm still at work doing paperwork on 3 felony arrests that happened right at the end of my shift."

I got annoyed, I won't lie. I stated to him that maybe the next time he wants to volunteer to drive our son he should set his reminder alarm for an hour prior so that if he's busy still he can call or text me to let me know he won't make it. He just kept saying that he lost track of time. No apology, just anger in his voice. I said this calmly as a suggestion and not a criticism but everything I say he takes wrong so I should have probably just shut up and said ok and hung up.

I went outside and told S13 that I was taking him and his dad was still at work. He got so upset. Choked back tears and it took all of my strength to not join him. I cracked a couple of jokes trying to lighten his mood and it seemed to work.

I sent H a text telling him I was sorry he was having a bad day and that I wasn't being critical but it seemed like he took my suggestion the wrong way and I was sorry if he misunderstood me. Why is that?

No answer back from him.

About a half hour later I sent him another text saying OK. If you would like to talk you know I'm always here for you.

No answer until about 30 minutes later. He said he was still at work. Still no apologies and no further comment.

He finally called me when I was home and making dinner (at 9:30p - yes we ate at 10pm which seems to happen A LOT since H left and I have to do it all!) I answered the phone with cheer in my voice, not anger. He immediately apologized for not calling me or texting me but he just lost track of time. I nearly bit a hole through my tongue so I didn't say, "Well gee...did you have the time to call your wh*re and tell her you would be "home" (gag!) late but not the courtesy to tell your son you weren't going to make it when he was counting on you?" I'm pretty proud of myself for not saying it....ooohhh, I wanted to so badly!!!!!!!!!

We had a conversation for about 5 minutes just him telling me about the arrests where I ooohed and aaahhed about it. Yeah, BIG DEAL! I really don't care since they were just really large shoplifting felonies. Nothing juicy.

Anywho.....I'm just wondering if I handled that the right way. I feel better that he did finally apologize. It's just so darned frustrating!!!! So thoughtless! I just felt so bad for my son. He was devastated.

What do you guys think?

[mishka422]

Lisa - You'll have to fight my son for them!

[MichelleLT]

I said this calmly as a suggestion and not a criticism but everything I say he takes wrong so I should have probably just shut up and said ok and hung up.

Ugh! I used to get that same thing from my H - every suggestion I made he took as an order. Just me being controlling - or a nag in his words. And he figured he either had to go along with it or it would start a fight. He built up resentment for years over this (because he normally went along with it and never even told me he was annoyed). Then last year, he finally starts talking (well, yelling) about some of this, there I am, going "huh, it was just a suggestion! WTF are you mad about?!?!?!"

Since I have quit making suggestions, he doesn't ask for my opinion, but our interactions are definitely nicer.

(((mishka)))

Honestly, I think anything coming from you is going to be taken the worst way possible by him right now.

I think it would have been better to have S13 call him and ask where he was.

Oh, but definitely nice of him to apologize!

[One Day]

Well, when you put it that way, I feel like I should back down. But then, they sound SO good!!!!

I think you handled events well. Great news on not mentioning the tart! And you were awesome dealing with your S and not getitng upset. Really brilliant! The only thing I'd have done differently would have been to not send the second text, but I don't think it's a big deal as H called you and explained what he'd been doing. Brilliant job answering with cheer too- you're a DB Ace Mishka!!

How do you think you handled it?

((((hugs))))

L. xx

[mishka422]

I just wasn't sure. I felt ok after the interaction but it was just so against my nature not to tell him off for being an inconsiderate jerk. Maybe that's why he finally called and apologized though. I did a 180 and didn't even realize it was one I guess.

H did take S13 to karate tonight. He was about 5 minutes late picking him up and S was getting panicky about it but H made it. He was exactly 5 minutes late so they let him count his class time....thank heavens! When he picked him up I was on the phone and when he brought him back I was on the phone again. He could see me through the kitchen window from the driveway. I thought he would come in when they got back and I was going to ask him if he wanted to take our son for the evening on Saturday since I have plans (yes, I really do! Going to a country music club north of the ATL for their 5th anniversay bash.) I ended up texting that to him since he didn't come in. He responded that he saw I was on the phone and he didn't want to bother me. I told him he's not ever a bother and that I was just talking to my friend C. He said Saturday would be fine and we have been having a text conversation ever since (about 2 hours so far). Instead of asking me point blank where I was going he asked me:

H - "Where's the party Saturday night?"
M - "Wherever I am, don't you know."
H - "Wherever it is I hope you have fun."
M - "A friend asked me to go to this shin dig up in Kennesaw and it sounds like fun."
H - "That's quite a drive. Hot date huh?"
M - "I don't date. I'm not available. The drive shouldn't be too bad. It's an event at Wild Bill's"
H - "That sounds fun. I've heard it's a big place. U gonna line dance? LOL"
M - "I just might. Who knows....anything goes!!"
H - "Anything goes huh? U R a wild woman!!"
M - "Trying to get my groove on! I've been to afraid to do that for much too long. No more! You only live once."
H - "Hoping to get lucky huh?"
M - "You know that's not me. And again, I'm not available. Hoping to have some fun."

That's it for now. He's fishing an awful lot isn't he? I don't want him thinking I'm out trolling for men. Why would he ever think that? He knows me. He knows how shy I am anyway and he knows my morals. Even if we were divorced I wouldn't do anything like that. I just want to go dance, listen to some music and have a few drinks with friends. It should be great.

Is he trying to project his lack of morals onto me in order to make himself feel better about his choices?

(((((hugs to you all))))))

[Grace_O]

((((mishka))))

I like the way you handled his querries regarding "dating" and "getting lucky". That was really nicely done.

I know it's hard not to wonder what they're thinking and why, but as much as you can, let it go. Those aren't answers you get to have, at least not right now.

Go and have fun and think of me while you're dancing.

[MichelleLT]

I love how you handled his fishing! A little mysterious, very jokey, and yet still standing up for your M. Beautiful.

My H hinted and even flat out told me a few times that he'd feel better if I dated or something. Told me once I should go have some casual Rs, that it would do me good and help me get over some of my issues! Lol. Personally, I got the feeling it had a lot more to do with his guilt and less to do with my morals or issues.

Whatever was behind it, I think you handled it great. (((mishka)))

[Florie]

I think your answers to his questions were great! And yes, he could not have been more overt about digging into your plans! He really has no authority to ask that stuff considering he has an OW. But typical. My H has asked similar questions about my whereabouts from time to time even after he has spent the night at the OW house! (he is moving out beginning of July and still lives with me for a while more).

Again, nicely played :o)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

H - "Hoping to get lucky huh?"

"If you play your cards right, you could take me home."

Although its funnier when a guy uses that as a pickup line.

[One Day]

Hey Mishka!

FAB job on dealing with H's fishing. I think it might be because he's jealous. He wants you to be there for him, but feels like he has no right to ask directly about what you're doing (or maybe doesn't want to give the game away!)

(((Mishka))) I can't wait to see where the rest of the conversation goes!

L. xx