I'm a newcomer to this site, and just finished SSM yesterday. Since I haven't found many threads that address the LD perspective, I thought I'd create my own.
I'm a LD (or no D) wife. We've been married almost 8 years now, and literally have never had successful intercourse. After about 1.5 yrs (and counting) of sex therapy for both of us, some issues have been resolved: pain during sex, depression, poor sex education. But the fact remains that I'm not interested in deep intimacy with my H -- hugging and kissing is enjoyable, anything beyond that feels foreign and uncomfortable.
I should mention before I go on, that in other aspects of our relationship, I am very happy. As weird as it may sound, I feel as if I have married my soulmate. We finish each others sentences, we talk on the same wavelength, we share goals and dreams. I find him funny and endearing and nice to look at. I like to touch his skin and to cuddle in his arms. I am not afraid of him -- we are like best friends. But when it comes to intimacy, I find myself pulling back.
Of course I am desperate to figure out why I feel this way. I want to fix our problems. I want to know why I am not interested in intimacy. Am I not attracted to him? Am I asexual? Am I overworked? Am I too stressed? These thoughts cycle through my head. Most of the time, I feel like my thoughts are obscured by a cloud. I don't know what to do next. I don't have an internal compass. I will try anything that people suggest, but I can't seem to get going on my own.
Much of the time, my defense is to try and ignore our problems. I hate that this is the case, as I love my husband and don't want to hurt him by dragging my feet. I don't WANT to ignore that this is happening to us. I don't WANT to be apathetic. I want to fix this.
I just don't know how.
Does anyone out there have advice for how I should proceed? I want to save our marriage -- I'm not interested in leaving. I appreciate any advice, and feel that I'm willing to try anything.
Please let me know your age and a brief synopsis of your sexual history before your marriage (how many partners, was it enjoyable, any abuse issues, etc). Also please let me know if it was EVER enjoyable with your husband or never enjoyable. Then I can give you my two cents.
Sexual history before marriage: None. I had one boyfriend in high school and broke up with him at the start of college (I had moved on, and he had stayed the same). I met my H freshman year of college and started dating soon afterwards. Physically, our relationship progressed (heavy petting, oral sex from him), which was extremely enjoyable for me, but because of my upbringing ("good girls don't have sex") and to eliminate the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, we decided we should wait until we got married for intercourse. I first started masturbating at this time too (it was my first experience with the magic of orgasm) even though I felt that what I was doing was bad/shameful and should be kept quiet.
No history of abuse. I have a great, and supportive family, and a pretty happy childhood in general.
As far as H's sexual history -- I was his first girlfriend, and he has had no outside experience. Needless to say, our current situation is incredibly difficult for him.
Intercourse has never been enjoyable for me. It was painful when we first attempted it near our wedding night (7 years after we started dating) -- partially because I was pretty scared. Since then, I was diagnosed with vaginismus, but have overcome this issue with a hymenectomy and by using physical therapy. Still, it's not easy -- H has to ease in the times we even "try" to have intercourse, which is extremely rare. As a result, we've never had him come inside me.
Orgasm has always been enjoyable for me. I can always orgasm when masturbating, or when masturbated by my H.
For a while, I had issues with body image -- uncomfortable being naked, always felt cold and vulnerable. I think I've made my way through those.
So just to clarify, let me recap, and please tell me if this is correct:
You do have orgasms, both by yourself and by your H's hand or mouth.
You do not have intercourse, or very rarely attempt it, and the main reason is because you fear failure, and also because you do not equate intercourse with intimacy and therefore the thought of it does not make you want it.
Your husband has had no previous lovers and therefore, I will make a guess, that he is not necessarily a "good" lover.
Orgasms from H's hand. Although early in our relationship (when there was more fire?) I was interested in oral sex (receiving, not giving), I became less interested in that as our problems deepened.
I'm not sure whether my husband is a "good" lover, as my experience is limited as well. He is willing to try things, and will take direction from me. He can be very passionate. As a novice, and someone who doesn't feel much interest, I'm not entirely sure what makes a "good" lover.
- NM
Also, these days, I pull away from foreplay/heavy petting as well as from intercourse. I'm not sure why.
You said you've just finished reading the SSM. What did you think about the "just do it" approach?
I can tell you from experience, that if you really do "just do it", and "just keep doing it", then over time your body will learn to relax and be happy about it. So that is question #1 - what did you think about that part of the book when you read it? Did your mind come up with "reasons" for being opposed to it?
Question #2 - do you have sexual fantasies? Even if they do not involved sex, but are just sexual? When you said you are not really sure what makes a "good" lover, does that apply to your fantasies as well? Or do you just not have any? Can you fantasize about a "good" sexual experience?
Question #3 - after 1.5 years of counseling, are you making progress that is demonstrated? Its great that you are feeling more comfortable naked, but has actual intercourse increased?
Question #4 - Now that you've read the book, do you realize how absolutely miserable you may be making your husband? Do you really "get it"?
#1. In the past, I might have said it seems weird to "just do it" without intimacy or connection. But these days, I am open to the "just do it" approach, as I'm willing to try anything.
I worry about it feeling "mechanical" or "forced". I don't know if I can (or should?) simulate feelings that I'm not experiencing (pleasure? interest?). I work hard on staying out of my head while we're being physical and trying to stay in the moment, but H still says he can sense my disinterest and that makes him pull back.
My husband has become quite hurt in this process, so I think that's harder for him to "just do it". After reading the book, and talking to my mom about it last night, I realized afterwards that my body was somewhat physically aroused (wet) so I went to find H, and ask if he'd like to try intercourse. His reaction was to pull away in fear, and to decide that he doesn't want to try this ever again (which subsequently sent me into my first ever panic attack). Needless to say, it was a traumatic evening.
#2. When masturbating, in order to help orgasm happen, I have sexual fantasies. In the past, this has been somewhat like me watching television -- I was an observer as a couple was having an intimate physical relationship/sex (petting, oral sex, intercourse). My therapist suggested that I put myself in the role of the woman, and I can do that, although it's not as pleasurable. In the fantasies, I'm still not sure what makes a "good" lover -- mostly it's that the two people are extremely interested in being close and are open to whatever happens.
#3. No. Actual intercourse has not increased. This is a source of disappointment for us, and I am actually planning on changing therapists again (the first one was great, but then she had to leave town, and the second one hasn't been as helpful). I intend to interview several therapists and ask about their methods (I think I need someone who helps me tap into my emotion) and their timeframe for progress. We've never been given a timeframe.
#4. Yes, and I think this is my motivation for taking more control of the situation. I think I really do "get it" -- but it is still easy for me to slip into my old ways of trying to ignore it. Perhaps that means I don't really "get it".
#5. Yes, rarely. Never with my husband. Usually in bed naked with someone inappropriate (co-workers who are married or who I dislike). Recently, I've been having recurring dreams about a guy I had a crush on in high school (incidentally, the only other guy I was really interested in other than my ex boyfriend and my husband). In these dreams, our relationship is starting up with the excitement/urgency that new relationships have, and I wake up just as we're about to kiss.
Thanks NM. Also please note my question #5...do you ever have sexual dreams and (in general) what are they about? These are clues into your psyche.
I have to leave for the day but I will mull over your situation and come back tomorrow with more ideas and comments for you.
I'm really afraid of you saying that your H said he'd rather not try this ever again! That is alarming! No wonder you went into a panic attack!
But at the same time sweetie - you are really REALLY lucky to be trying to get this type of help before you end up divorced. KUDOS to you for TRYING. OK? You need to pat yourself on the back for that one at least. Try to forget the part of yourself that feels ashamed and tries to ignore the problem. That part of yourself is NOT your friend! The part of yourself that IS your friend is ALSO the part of you that wants to have sex! And if I may be blunt, the reason you found yourself getting aroused last night after talking about things, is that your body is TRYING to tell you that it really does know what to do. It is your mind that is getting in your way.
This will not be a short journey but I feel confident you will one day look back and wonder why you didn't get help sooner...ie: you will be successful at this journey!
Hang in there and I will be back tomorrow...I am sure others might chime in too, but you have picked a section of this board that does not get a lot of traffic. So don't be surprised if you don't get many responses...
