Onward and upward

[mishka422]

My last thread finally locked. I don't know where to go from here but upward sounds like a winner to me!

I feel like I've driven H back to defensive mode by bringing up his visitation with our son. I'm just tired of him having everything his way and our son losing out because of it. "Disneyland Dad" is annoying me. He only does the fun stuff with S13 and doesn't do the day to day discipline, homework, chores, etc. I know I need to get over it but it's easier said than done.

MichelleLT - Boy, I've got a double whammy then don't I? My H was a Marine when we got M (Desert Storm vet) and now a police officer. He was always a little on the tense side because of some experiences he had in Iraq but now he's so stressed all the time that he doesn't sit still ever. He can't enjoy a crowded restaurant because he's constantly in "watch mode" waiting for something to go down. This area is extremely affluent and the crime level is so low that it was voted the #7 place in America to live. He's got issues in a BIG way!

I'll pop over into your thread and see what's been going on. Hopefully more fun than I'm having.

[Treese]

Mishka;

OMG...."Disney Dad"...that is exactly what we call my H....I do the same stuff...the discipline, homework, chores...baseball practice, swimming...you name it, I do it....then H comes and takes him fishing, to movies...buys him stuff....but not the girls...cause they don't speak to him...H is missing out on so much..

Treese

[Grace_O]

One of the saddest things about him being a cop is that if he goes to see a C it goes on his record (from my understanding). That just makes it all the worse for him.

The "Disney" dad stuff sux, but at least he's seeing his son.

[MichelleLT]

Same problem with the military. And thus one of my H's biggest reasons not to go even if he was willing.

He was always a little on the tense side because of some experiences he had in Iraq but now he's so stressed all the time that he doesn't sit still ever. He can't enjoy a crowded restaurant because he's constantly in "watch mode" waiting for something to go down.

God, been there, done that. Luckily after being back for 2 years, my H has finally started to relax more. Although honestly, he still likes to drink when he is out in crowded places because it helps him relax and be more comfortable. The first month he was home, he barely left the apartment except maybe to go to the pool or gym (plus he was on paid leave and felt entirely justified with being lazy - which I totally agreed with lol). He hated being around people he didn't know and trust.

[One Day]

Hey Mishka!

Just stopping in to say hello and I missed you too this weekend. Don't go off the boards yourself. I'll miss you too much (and it was really depressing so to speak to you guys too!)

((((hugs)))) I hope you're having a good day!

L. xx

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Mishka)))))

I think you had to push the visitation thing. He may not like it, but it is part of the path he has chosen. He'll get over it.

[mishka422]

you guys are the best!

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I was really feeling down about having to bring up the visitation issue. It hurts me but I can handle that. It was the look on my son's face when he got the text from his dad and his eyes lit up that did me in. Later, when I asked him how he was doing and he told me that it bothered him a little to know that his dad was off work and not spending the time with him that I really went to "the dark side". I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I didn't get ugly with my H, I just told it like it was in a nice tone of voice.

My H was in the first invasion (1991-1992). He's been back SO long and things were not as rough that time around as they are now. Still, he did see some very dark things and did eventually open up to me some about it. I guess these things don't ever really go away do they?

Interesting about the C. He actually was forced into admin leave by the department about a month ago and forced to see the state Psych for the certification board. They insisted also that he get back on his meds and get clearance signed off by psychiatrist before he could come back to work. The psych put him back on ADD meds and an AD. I asked him about it the other day when I saw him and he said that the ADD meds are helping him quite a bit. He's much calmer (which I could tell also). He said he hasn't been taking the AD's because he read the side effects and didn't like the idea of those. I told him the side effects go away usually after time and it takes at least 30 days for the AD to get in your system and work. He just said hmmmmm. Ok, when he tells psych he hasn't been taking the AD's he prescribed him how is that going to affect his job? I don't know but it can't be good. They drug test him all the time and they are now going to be looking for both drugs in his system because they excpect them to be there. When both aren't, he's going to have a problem.

I'm reading a book I just got titled "When a Mate Wants Out" by Jim and Sally Conway. It's Christian based book with a lot of the same ideas from Michele's book with prayer and pastoral support thrown in. I must say that my church family has been an enormous help in this. I had never been very involved in my congregation, just attended on Sunday and the odd seminar and such, but now they have embraced me with such support. It's really awesome!

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I havent read that book but have heard good things about it. I like the Conway's since they write with supporting scripture.

I am very sorry to hear that your husband has so much pain from what he has experienced and the challenge of ADHD as well. The meds should help his mind focus better if they get him on the right ones and the right dosage levels. Depending on the type, his side effects can be different (amphetamine, SSRI, etc).

Stay close to Him. He can see you and your family through this.

Many people in this world have a faith problem. I am not saying you do but admitting that I did and frequently I lose faith. There is a lot of scripture that says simply, have faith and never lose it. Faith can literally move mountains. The opposite of faith is doubt.

If more people had unshakeable faith, would we see a different world? Would the doubt that a marriage can be restored be replaced with doubt that a marriage can't be restored?

[missmyfriend]

I wanted to add but the edit feature was not working.

I struggle with this every day (unshakeable faith). I mean, I believe in God and that His power is limitless and His love for me, my W, my children, my friends and everyone who has ever lived or died. I know He has created this universe and holds the keys to everlasting life. And yet I apparently still doubt that He can restore my marriage, at times.

And so I pray to Him to direct my life and to tell me what He wants me to do and, hopefully, I will listen.

[One Day]

(((mishka))) just stopping by to say hello and leave a (((hug)))

Sorry you were feeling low about visitation. I think you handled it awesomely though. You are SO STRONG.

L. xx

PS. The cheese ravioli sounded delicious. Make sure you let me know next time you make them so I can pop in for a plateful (or two!)