I'm so sorry... You don't have to make a decision today, or even six different ones. For today, take care of you.
You have been working so hard to piece things back together while trying to heal from the pain of A's that were supposed to be over. No wonder you just keep hitting a wall.
This recent discovery certainly explains why you haven't been able to build the emotional bridge with your H. It's not you, sweetie, you weren't seeing things that were not there, his emotional connection is in a fantasy world.
I can certainly understand that a physical connection would be painful for you, knowing what you know. At the end of the day, what matters most is how this makes YOU feel. I can see how the distance may be scary, but maybe it's time to make it clear that you just can't live that way?
You wrote that you feel awful almost all the time. If he is continuing his EA, unchallenged, how are things ever going to change?
What worked before? You DB'd your a$$ off and when it came time to leave, he balked.
You had the understanding that his A's had ended and he was working with you to find an emotional connection again. Other than your sense of humor, one of the first things I noticed from your writing is the serenity you could find in the midst of chaos.
