Thanks Karen. Like I said, I know now that nothing I do is going to make any difference. He has made his decision.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I have to raise my hand here too. I contacted OW. I even sent nasty messages, embarassed her at her workplace, did all kinds of things... and told her H about her affair with my H (who was my X2B at that time)....
I personally don't regret any of it, but contacting them can have consequences, and if you do it, you have to be prepared for where it leads.
If you do contact OW expect H to be FURIOUS. My H was so angry that I got scared and replaced all the locks on the house!!! I think it feels good to contact OW and give her some grief. However, my husband had filed for D and was completely certain he wanted one (there was no wavering), so I felt I had nothing to lose making him angry.
Expect contacting OW to push your H further away. He will blame you for everything wrong, and feel he's completely justified in leaving the marriage (his family and friends who he tells this to will feel the same way. He will slant this to make you the "bad guy"). Negative experiences create negative memories (or seeing the past in a negative light). Also, the anger makes it easier for them to leave. Expect this type of reaction.
On the other hand, don't beat yourself up over this. Now is the time to take a break, try to stay away from him, avoid verbal contact, and give him time to cool down.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!! the last thing I wanted to do was push him farther away. I just wanted answers and for her to see that maybe now was not the right time to get involved with my H. I am so tired of crying, I am so tired of hurting but I cant seem to get it to stop this time. I know everyone says that there is a light at the end of this, but it is so dark in here right now that I cant see which way to go. I have never felt grief this deeply before and feel like I dont have the proper tools to deal with it. Why can they throw away so many good years. Why can they replace us so easily. SOmetimes this board gives me strength, but lately, after seeing all of the times people do not come back from this, it saddens me further. I just dont know what to do!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Brokenhearted you sound JUST like me. I had no idea it was humanly possible to hurt so badly for so long. Everyone says there is light but I sure don't see it. I just keep trying to make it one day at a time. In time things just HAVE to get better for all of us. They have to because we are all such wonderful people that never deserve this....
Recently I have been writing the OW letters in a notebook that I will never send. I am just spewing out everything on my mind (how can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you have broken up a marriage, what type of role model are you for your 2 little girls?). I think that is helpful to me more than actually saying those things to her. She is a bad, bad person who has the nerve to sleep with a married man. She thinks it is okay because she has "never done anything like this before."
I wish I was with you right now and could just give you a big hug and tell you that it will eventually be ok.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Thank you Sara, I could use a hug right now. I think I'm just going to focus on breathing right now. That D@MN elephant has taken up resisdence on my chest once again. I thought it left a few days ago. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I can make it just a tiny bit better. I know this is not about me - even though he claims it is. It is about his lack of self worth. He keeps telling me he cant trust me (hello - YOUR the one having an affair) and that is why he left becasue I made him go into a depression. Glad to know that I have that kind of control of people. So, if I could control him so d@mn much, why is it that I am not controlling hm right back here?!!??!!
Even though I want the alien to dissapear and have my loving H back, I have been going through this for 2 years now. I just dont see him coming home. I need to just find some way to let him go. That's such a hard answer to find. To move on when you dont want to.
I have an appointment w a L to start LS on Monday. Dont know what else to do.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Ok..I heard pretty much the same stuff you are hearing...he was done...he wasn't going to work anymore...he had been working so hard on the marriage for X amount of years he had no work left...he just wanted to be happy...I was controling...unloving...uncaring...only thought of myself...you name it he said it...
In the end though he had to admit that I wasn't all of those things...yes, I had faults but I also loved him like he knew deep inside no one else could...
I remember the darkness too...I remember the sadness...just wanting to know why...just wanting a chance to prove myself a better person...it really really does get better...it gets better by you really working on things within yourself...knowing you can better yourself and working to that goal...for YOU...having others notice how nice you are...caring you are...all because you have stopped focusing on just one person...H...focus on your children, friends, family...
OH...and really it does no good to tell HIS family and friends because he will convince them otherwise...he will paint you so badly that they will tell him he had a right to find his happiness....I went through that too...it NEVER works out for you....
I am a survivor...and a buster...still married and very very happy again!
IL, I can ALWAYS count on you to show the silver lining even in the darkest of times. I know I have to stop this addictive behavior of constantly thinking of him. Each time he pops into my head I say "STOP". So far, been saying it about ever 4 seconds. I called a psychologist today to set up an appointment to try and get through this. I need to get stronger but see that I need help in order to do it.
I am terrified to file the Legal seperation papers. I am affraid that it means D is a short hop away. Still, I understand that I have to financially protect myself and son. H has been blowing through money with his OW like it is water. <Sigh> He never did that with me.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Is it easier to get D if there is a LS? Maybe I should not file. Any suggestions?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
If you file LS expect him to feel justified and less guilt about what he's doing. I wouldn't file unless I was 100% certain I wanted a D. If you are worried about finances, drain 1/2 of all shared accounts and put that money in a separate individual account. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, at least open up a separate account and start putting your savings into that. This doesn't mean you still won't have to split up finances 50/50.
You might also ask a trusted family member to hold money for you in their own name so if things go downhill at least you have a little nest egg of money he can't touch to help you with the transition. Don't take big chunks of money out. Just a little here and there...
Yes, a lot of relationships do spiral into D with many not reconciling. But some do reconile. My husband filed, was completely CERTAIN he wanted D, after 21 years of marriage and two kids. I DBed, learned to let go, created my own life and slowly, very slowly, just before the first court date, he said he wanted to stop the D. So it can work, but I did not expect it to. I just figured it was my best chance and I might as well go "down with the ship" knowing I did my best (and eventually, once I worked through some of the pain and started GALing, having a great time while it was sinking!!!)
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for more great advice ROOT. I keep hearing conflicting messages - get a LS to protect yourself, if you get a LS then that makes the D so much easier. I want to be protected (already started slowly pulling cash and opened a seperate account) but I dont want to make it easy at all for him to walk away. I do have a consult on Monday w L just to get some answers. I will be telling him I DO NOT WANT A D! We'll see what he says.
Another question for the group: I have read several times that most affairs do not last a year. Has that been your expierence or not?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
