HI RTL! I haven't posted in FOREVER! but I have been following along. I just wanted to say that your wife's behavior is emotional abuse. If I were you I would consider seeking 100% custody as this behavior is sure to one day be directed to your DD. JMHO.
Also, there is a thread in MLC by Dadnotquitting. I'm not sure if you've read it or not, but he and his wife actually had restraining orders against each other at one time and are now on the road to reconciliation. Try searching for him . . .
Thinking of you! em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Can I ask you a question about your W? Do you think she is mentally ill, or on drugs or alcohol? Because her behavior is just a little too weird. Definitely not just nl WAS behavior (which i have seen a LOT of here). Her obsessing, her paranoia, her making things up (I mean, either you had D's hair cut or you didn't , that's a pretty black-or-white thing) - is this all new, or has it always been part of her personality (disorder)?
If she wasn't always this way, when did it start? If she was always this way, what triggered her decompensation?
I don't ask these things with an eye to you reconciling with her - that's up to you to decide when the time comes. But I worry about how she may work the system to deprive you of custody rights and property in the meantime, and think you are a bit naive about the process.
As a tactical move, I think it was a mistake to let D call her when you were out with another woman. In most cases this might have been okay, even a good thing - for the WAS to get a little jealous. But with a nutcase like your W, it will probably only fan the flames of her craziness, and cause her to act out more.
I would suggest, that when interacting with your W, ask yourself: "will this action get me closer to my goal?". That's a good screen to check your actions and words against. Being a doormat will not get you closer to your goal, but neither will getting her more worked up than she already is.
Hey kml, RTL mentioned earlier in a different thread that his W drinks a half liter of wine every night. I dont drink, so I dont know if that is enough to get drunk, but it does sound like a habit. Who knows, it may have something to do with her anger.
Ooh, ya, I missed that. Being an alcoholic would explain a lOT, especially her wild swings (sober versus drunken conversations).
RTL, have you ever considered going to AlAnon? They can be very helpful to those dealing with alcoholic spouses.
Also - is there any way to document her drinking habits? While a couple of glasses of wine a night does not make an alcoholic, I'm willing to bet, based on her behavior, that she's drinking (or drugging) far more than you know.
Hey thanks for the suggestion to look at "dadnotquitting" for some insight. I'm not sure if my W will ever come around and admit her shortcomings, but I'd like to know that miracles do happen.
Also, I think she's abusive to me as well. She of course says I'm the SOB who is the abuser, but through all of this D, I've been the calm and steady one while she's been angry, mean, condescending, and irrational. I can only hope that my actions will help me in the end. I can only pray that by doing what I think is right, I'll be ok.
As Kerry pointed out, I'm pretty sure my W has a drinking problem and I'm beginning to think she has borderline personality issues. I've become convinced through all of this that she's a narcissist, which doesn't help matters at all. Anyway, the fact that she has a lot of issues of her own that she refuses to face is the reason why I'm fairly pessimistic about our M ever working out. For us to survive and reconcile, W would have to do some SERIOUS soul-searching and based on her history (as well as her present), I'm not sure she'll ever be able to find fault w/ herself. If she does, then it will be the miracle bizarre is talking about.
Right now, I'm going to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. As far as having D call her when we were w/ another woman and her son, I too would have preferred for D not to mention it, but I have D call W every evening so they can talk. As soon as D told W what we were doing, I was 100% fine w/ it b/c there was nothing going on.
As for fanning her flames, it really doesn't matter what I do as she gets pissed at me for everything. I think I mentioned somewhere in this thread that she was incredibly ticked off at me b/c I didn't tell her thank you for being supportive of our D being in my neice's wedding next summer. I really can't win w/ her right now. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
However, I do like your suggestion to go to AlAnon meetings once I get things smoothed out a bit here. I think they will help me quite a bit.
