He's "done". Period.

[klm]

Sex with Estranged Spouse Here is an article that Michelle wrote that could help you when deciding about having sex with your H. I don't think it is always bad and is just a very personal decision. It is possible it can trigger emotions for your H.

Because he does still say nice things to me, tells me I'm a great Mom, tells me he thinks I'm a good person. He's just matter of fact that he no longer loves me, and knows he never will again. Poof.

I swear that is what is just killing me, is that I read stories on here with people rebuilding from FAR worse than where we have been. Yes my H just "doesn't have anymore to give?".

That is how my H was, which could be why I am drawn to your situation. There are a lot of similarities. He never said anything bad about me and said I was a very good wife, a good person, etc. I wasn't even sure what to work on, and I didn't feel that we had even grown apart. It was all just so confusing. He kept saying he just didn't love me anymore and he was done trying.

I am glad you had a good weekend. It sounds like you did a really good job GAL and you sound really good....a lot better than I did at the beginning of this.

[7 Year Itch]

Unfortunately I think the sex thing backfired. H feels guilty afterwards because he doesn't feel anything for me. It's obvious he enjoys it in the moment, I even asked him right afterward and he said it was good. Then the next morning comes the wrath.He gets mad at himself and in turn gets mad at me. Yet when I have outright asked him if it's ok to "reach out" still, he says yes. I don't know what I"m supposed to do.

I guess for now I've decided not to initiate anything because I'm too tired of feeling like trash afterwards. Being that sex was a big issue in our marriage I just feel like it's something that makes sense to work on, but I think I'm doing more damage than good.

I asked him to read the first chapter of the SSM book, and he said he would, so I emailed him the link today. Hopefully he doesn't hunt around the message boards and find me. I'd like to have this be private.

Last night he got mad. He's been frustrated that I'm not "on board" with this, and wants me to be moving quicker. But last night he actually got MEAN with some words. It really threw me because he's not a mean person. He's mad that he can't afford to move out, and wants me to get a job so he can.

I feel like it's not my job to make it "easier" for him to leave. He feels that I am responsible for getting him to this place so that it IS part of my responsibility to make this divorce happen in a timely and easier way. We'll never agree on that.

The basic difference in our thoughts. I take responsibility for playing a "part" in getting his emotions here and where he is. But I am NOT walking away. I do NOT want this divorce. So I don't feel that this divorce IS my responsibility. He sees it so differently though. He truly sees divorce as the only option, so therefor I am partly responsible for it.

We'll never agree on that.

Anyway, it was a bad day yesterday. Lots of emotion after he told me he felt bad about the sex, didn't want it to happen again, nothing was going to change, and that I need to stop having hope.

So back to the holding pattern. I'm going to be looking for a part time job a couple days a week to hopefully get enough money for him to leave for awhile. I'm not exactly sure why he wants me to get the job. HE says so I can start saving money for stuff, yet he can't afford to move out. So I'm thinking it's to pay for some of the bills, so he can afford to move out. Which I'm fine with if he wouldn't file right away, but I know he plans to.

He still is in the mindset that he can stop it at any time, so why NOT start it? It's so polar opposite what I believe (that it's much harder to stop once it's started). But I have to accept that he is going to do what he wants to do.

I talked to my FIL yesterday. I had been wanting to call for awhile anyway, and called right after H and my talk. Not the best time as I was very emotional and cried alot. FIL is very sweet and feels very bad. He didn't know what to say. He said they wished for a good outcome. Truly want us to still be together. SAid they loved me. And they too did not understand the rush that H is feeling to do everything NOW. He said they want EVERYONE to be happy, not just H which was nice to hear.

He said again how shocked they all were over it all. I told him everyone was. That I thought THAT alone should be a sign to H that NO one saw this coming. Not just me. He acts like I was in denial of what was going on, and that it should've been obvious. But it wasn't to ANYONE, not just me.

Anyway. That's it for today. STarting over. Trying to go back to LRT, but hard when he's here. AT this point I feel like we stand a better chance if he gets out.

While he's still here he is seeing his girls everyday, he comes home to dinner cooked, laundry is all done together. He is in his home he loves in the country. He still has lots of benefits that he won't after divorce. And I think maybe, just maybe he could miss a thing or two about me if he could get some space.

I have a gazillion places I could go, and would be tempted to just to get the space we need, but I can't. I won't do anything that could possible reflect on me poorly in a custody dispute or anything. But we need the space so bad.

Chris

[klm]

Unfortunately I think the sex thing backfired.

Now you know, don't do it again.

My H got mean too and he is far from mean. I am not sure why that is, although my H did say the other night that he thinks he started being a complete jerk to me so that I would get fed up and file myself or at least go along with it. Don't let him bait you.

Would you have to put the kids in daycare if you got a job? Have you talked to him about that? I understand you not wanting to make it easier for him, but again is there any way that you can use it as a bargaining tool? Ask him to wait a certain amount of time before filing if you get a job?

[7 Year Itch]

Wow Kris, our H's sound so alike.

IF I go full time then yes I'll have to put them in daycare. H and my original plan was to wait for that until Fall to make the least inpact on D6 as possible. She'd be back in school, and have an easier adjustment with just going afterschool a couple hours I think. I've been a SAHM since they were born, so I'm dreading the all day thing with her. My younger one I think will adapt ok because she's younger and won't know different.

Right now he says he just wants me to get a part time job opposite him like 3 days a week to save money. But I really don't see how I can save up money if we need it to pay for gas,groceries etc while he stays with a friend.

Not sure how that is going to work out. I sent a very "business" like email today asking some of these questions.

I sort of tried the bargaining tool, and told him if he'd go the Legal Separation route first (that takes 6 months, vs 90 days for a divorce in our state) that I'd sign the papers when he moves out for that. Really the only difference is it buys me 3 more months. If we decide to make it official from separation to divorce, it's just a matter of a phone call. The waiting period doesn't even restart. So I'm literally just asking for 3 more months. We still would have to figure out everythign (finances, house, kids etc.) with the legal separation so he could still feel like he's moving forward.

I don't know, we'll see what he says tonight.

I keep reading all these success stories on here lately. With situations that seem as dire as mine and I can't help but be hopefull. But I also have a track history that if something really awful is going to happen, it's going to be to me. And I don't mean that as a woe is me thing. I know we all have our stuff. I just really don't know if there is going to be a miracle ending for me.

I'm going to GAL and TLR and try my dardest. Thank GOD I found a church home 2 years ago, because right now I feel like my faith and my friendships are the only thing getting me through.

Chris

[klm]

The job sounds more like so HE can save up money. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing for you though because if it does get to D then you would probably have to get a job right?

Hopefully he will be receptive to the bargaining tool. It is really a compromise for the both of you....but he may not. He may still see it as a last ditch attempt from you to control the situation but I think it was worth trying. All he can do is say no.

I keep reading all these success stories on here lately. With situations that seem as dire as mine and I can't help but be hopefull.

There are a lot of success stories here, and it does help give you hope. Some people have come back from really bad things. I really didn't even think my H and I would even be friends....much less piecing. I am not sure how much you know of my story but he did file for D. We were in TX at the time and it only takes 60 for it to be final. About 30 days in I got a job back home in AL (about 1000 miles away), and decided I couldn't pass it up. I knew that even if H and I reconciled I would resent him for causing me to miss out on that opportunity. When I left I truly thought I would never see him again. His family lives in AL too but not the same city as me.

H pulled the D off the table during the last week. He told me he couldn't go through with it. That is one reason I say don't make it easy for him. If I had gotten frustrated and filed myself then it would probably be done.

Let me tell you though, I was done myself....I just couldn't bring myself to file. When I found out he was living with OW I was done and didn't think we could recover from that. He ended up taking the huge step to move here in January. We have still had our ups and downs but he seems to be back to his old self.

So, sorry to talk about myself so much...I just wanted you to know that it does happen.

I just really don't know if there is going to be a miracle ending for me.

There may not be. BUT, DBing is for YOU. It is about making yourself a better person, taking care of yourself, rediscovering yourself and the things you love. You WILL be a better person for it. If your H comes back, it is just the icing on the cake. If he doesn't, you will be ok.

Hang in there, patience is the hardest part. Even if he filed today you would have three months and a lot can happen in three months.

(((((Chris)))))

[7 Year Itch]

I know I'm supposed to look at DBing for me. And I do hope to get there, but right now I'm not. I do want to change a lot of things for me no matter what, so I'm going to try to focus on that. But I read all the success stories here, and I do still have the mindset of DBing to save my marriage. Wrong, I know.

Well last night sort of stunk. My D6 has her Tball practices on Tuesdays, and H is getting off work early to help coach those days. Well, I'm sitting there with some of my other Mom friends (he wasn't there yet) and I hear from one of them that H had told another coach last practice that he was getting a D. Well THAT coach told his wife (who is major gossiper) and now everyone knows.

I HATE this. Seriously. We live in a smaller town, and now we've suddenly become part of the rumor mill. And the worst part. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I'm working, I'm not leaving, and yet.... I have to sit there feeling like an idiot, because my H is leaving me.

So anyway, when he got there I told him I wanted to move D6's booster into his car, and go home with other D so I could cook dinner earlier (we are always rushed on Tuesdays). In reality, I was just feeling stupid and wanted to get out of there.

I found a line on a job, and since I haven't worked in 7 years, my resume was VERY old and outdated. So I spent all afternoon and evening getting a resume together and shot it off to this job last night. Hope it works out.

I live in the boonies, so finding a job here would be a miracle and it seemed to have a lot of what I need. Including part time right now, with an option to move to full time (which I will need come fall). I just have no idea what the pay is. Hoping it works out and I here something. It also had the option for telecommuting which would be amazing with the girls if I could still be home.

H and I talked about my "business" letter I sent yesterday a bit. He has a line of a place to stay now, and it's a place where the girls could visit, but it's far. He also informed me that he plans to take the girls camping overnight next Sat. night for Father's Day.

I can't tell you how sad that makes me. Our D6 has only been camping once, and D2 not at all. I'm going to miss that first for her. And realistically, I probably will not take the girls camping by myself until they are quite a bit older. Just another thing I'm going to be missing with them ,and I'm mad about that. We should all be together.

Still trying to figure out what to do for Father's Day. For Mother's Day he had the girls get my a Spa Gift Certificate, and he gave me a card with a nice note about how I'm a great Mom. Think I'll follow his lead and have the girls get him something, but I wont, and I'll just give him a card. I don't know.

Chris

[klm]

(((((Chris)))))

But I read all the success stories here, and I do still have the mindset of DBing to save my marriage. Wrong, I know.

I don't think that is wrong. You just have to make sure that the changes you make are sincere, and not just an attempt to save your M. If they aren't sincere, then they won't stick and even if your H does come back then you will fall back into the same routine and repeat the same pattern.

I know what you mean about people knowing. I saw someone that my H works with out and he said something about us getting a D. He said that another one of H's friends had told him. That was before he filed and I was devastated. I hated people knowing.

Also, I made the mistake of telling one of my "friends". She told everyone she came in contact with...seriously. Even people she didn't know that well. One of my friends called me and told me that this "friends" mother had seen him out and said "Did you hear about Kris??" Like she just couldn't wait to tell him. I hate gossip. We live in a small town too and seriously everybody here has heard. However...it doesn't seem to be such big news that we are reconcilling. People seem shocked when they see us out together.

Anyway, you will learn how to deal with those things and not worry about what people think. I know you have probably heard this over and over...but it DOES get easier with time.

Good luck on the job. It sounds like it could be really good for you. The telecommuting would be great.

I am sorry about the camping trip. I know that must be hard, but maybe you can take the girls to do something too. Something special, just for the girls...no boys allowed!

Think I'll follow his lead and have the girls get him something, but I wont, and I'll just give him a card. I don't know.

I think that is a good idea.

Hang in there.

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks so much for coming by Kris. It helps to not feel like I"m talking to myself. Ha ha.

Well, I got a call this morning on that job. Luckily something told me not to pick up, so I just got the message and am now waiting for D2 to fall asleep for naptime so I can call them back.

I'm totally excited and nervous and sad all at the same time. I must have done an ok job putting a new resume together yesterday. I didn't even get it sent off until around 11pm last night and had a call around 10am this morning. Hoping they are calling for an interview.

But I'm sad too because it means H will file and move out sooner. He's just been waiting for me to get a job so we can afford for him to move out.

Such a sucky position to be in.

Anyway. Wish me luck I suppose. I could see it having real potential for growth, and hopefully in a year I'd be making enough money that I could stay in this house. H already said he will do what it takes for me and D's to stay here another year to lessen the impact on the girls.

I hate throwing a divorce, and house move, school move everything on them at once. But it's pricey where we live and I didn't see it being possible to stay here alone. But maybe, just maybe.

Wish me luck. I'm SO out of practice after being a SAHM for 7 years. I'm totally nervous just to make this phone call. What a wimp. Guess if I get an interview I'll be going shopping tonight. No business clothes, and the few dress up things I do have are from 35 lbs ago. Everything is hanging on me right now (that divorce pending weight loss had done a doozy on me). Nothing like shopping under pressure. At least it's more fun to shop these days since I know I find things that fit. LOL

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Update. I'm so excited. Just got off the phone with the lady and I think this could be a really great opportunity. We hit it off totally, and she is looking for someone to TOTALLY telecommute from home (which would be my dream to still be with my girls). Seems like it could really grow into a great career opportunity with time too. Just got off the phone with H sounding VERY excited. I think he sounded happy just at the thought that he could move out. UGH. Oh well. Anyway, I felt really good after talking with her.

She is taking me to lunch on Monday for an interview. So that's good, I have the whole weekend to shop. And since I"d be working at home, I don't think I'd have to get a whole new wardrobe which is always nice too!

Anyway. I'm feeling very upbeat right now. This could be a really cool thing. Looking forward to talking more in depth on Monday with her.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Talked to H last night about the job. Mentioned I was worried I wouldn't have the time to see if this can develop into something great like I think it could. The lady can't guarentee it could be full time by Fall etc......... to which H said. "well, we can talk about that. As long as I see progress is being made, I can probably put off filing".

So I don't know what to think. Then I told him about my conflicted feelings. Being excited for the job, and sad too because I know he'll be leaving soon if I get it. To which he said, "I think no matter what happens with this, I need to leave soon".

I'm so conflicted on separating. Part of me thinks it could be good. He could see what it's like to truly not see his girls everyday. To have to cook, clean, do his laundry etc. For him to recognize the good things about me he may miss. But part of me is scared to death that he'll leave and just be relieved and think it's great. Plus the place he is now going to stay is with a friend that got divorced (VERY NASTY ONE) a couple years ago. He's now living with his new girlfriend, and I guess stuff is great with them.

I feel like H will see them all happy, and hear all the ick of his friends divorce and just be more resolved. I just don't know.
I'm just dreading when it happens and my poor D's. I feel so horrible for them. I hate that my babies are going to be so hurt and I have no say in it.

Chris