All good questions, Bridgestone! To answer both of you...
I have a ton of feelings that I have sorted over the past couple of years. But the thing is that none of my feelings ever meant anything to my H, so they got shoveled into a corner where I had to pick and chose which ones were more important. It was always about him. Anything else was irrelevant.
My own history is complex, but not as nearly as complex as his. I was in an abusive relationship for 6yrs prior to him, and had a lot of help sorting it all out. (Informal counseling/support group I had gotten involved with, changed my life and perspective on things.) I was confident and happy when I met my H. We used to be able to talk, but if I disagreed with his views, then I was shut out. Now, I can't talk to him at all about anything. I know him better than he knows himself, yet I can't seem to break through to him. I'm no counselor. Now, I feel like I'm back to square one again, and have to rebuild myself all over again.
This is not my fault. I know that I am only responsibly for my actions and reactions. I know that I am not the sole creator for all things that go bad. I know that I am a better and stronger person than I was 10 yrs ago and I know that I do deserve to be treated with respect.
I was very happy to do the things I did for my H. It made me feel needed, but I also was greatly under appreciated for it too. It would have been nice if he would have just stopped, and gave me a hug or kiss, a thank you. I love you without prompting. Just little things to acknowledge my efforts. I was taking care of his kids, who have mothers of their own, and they or something always remind me of that everyday. Everything I did was based on a condition, unlike biological parents who have that bond and unconditional love.
My H never made time for me, and the things we used to do together, dinner, movies, riding bikes on the trail, road trips, etc... it just weened away. I tried to talk to him, sometimes he was receptive, but mostly not. Everything just morphed into 'family time'. There was no 'couple time' left. Now it's just soccer, this and soccer that, family camping in the summer, and recently, father and son martial arts. He's consumed himself in his kids so much, that there's nothing left for me. All I was was a babysitter. So, I left. Now I'm sure he's pissed off and angry with me, because I had the audacity to make him find someone to watch his kids and how selfish of me to blah blah blah... I can just envision it now. I felt trapped, unappreciated, and taken advantaged of. I was burnt out too.
The job hunt has been so awful. I quit my job two years ago, because my SS's school schedule changed and conflicted with my work schedule. My H is a cop, with an unusual schedule. So, I was relied on to take SS to school, while H picked him up from school. Then SS's school hours changed, and it created a conflict with my work schedule. We didn't have any other resources around us, so I eventually just quit my job and became a stay at home step mom. I'm afraid that nothing will come. I've applied to so many positions, and not one phone call back. I've even submitted my resume to temp agencies, which have always given me major turn around time, but nothing. I've even called them, still nothing. Makes me think my name is on some sort of black list. lol.
I don't have any friends, and so yes, I mainly am here to share and listen. I want to figure out where did I go wrong? I don't know if I can fix this marriage, because my H is so dead set that it's my fault, he's so arrogant and stubborn. I don't think he'll every figure it out, he's built such a wall around him and I'm so tired of trying to break through. Everything I do seems like he thinks it's some conspiracy against him. What I know and see and feel is that he needs to go to counseling, because his anger and resentment to his past partners have consumed him. I worry about him, I wonder what he's doing, going through, if he has any remorse. I know he's angry, but I don't understand why he's angry at me.
I decided that it was better to let him go, then to hold on. I have not talked to him since I left, and he hasn't tried to contact me one bit either... I'm not a high priority, I never was. I even think that I was not even in his heart, but a just a convenience.
