We are on a downward spiral

[Bagheera]

NTE;

Just to follow up on Dance's excellent posts with a thought. This is based upon yet another book I've been going through, Michael J. Bader's Arousal, so simply consider this a bit of speculation on my part.

According to his theory of sexual arousal, each of us has what I will call a 'sexual archetype,' a particular type of person to whom we are naturally sexually attracted and can detect relatively quickly on an unconscious level. This the kind of stuff that "love at first sight" is made of. It may be a look, an attitude, a smell, a voice, or some combination thereof, but something tells us that this person is a close match to the person in our own sexual fantasies --> someone who naturally turns us on.

There are, of course, problems with this. Often, a person who comes close to being our sexual archetype is NOT the kind of person with whom we could have a successful, loving, long-term relationship. For example, many women fantasize about a strong, sexually ruthless man who will simply 'take them,' using them for his own sexual pleasure and without much regard for theirs. This type of arrogant, ruthless man may make for a great one-night stand, but is probably not good 'husband' material. So when it comes to finding a mate and getting married, many of these women tend to settle for someone who is not their natural sexual archetype, but who does make a good husband. The problem, of course, is that although they may have found a good, caring man, there isn't any great sexual 'spark' or chemistry there for him.

I thought about this in your case because you one mentioned that:

"When we first married, she was a bit more adventurous. Remember, she had much more experience and knew what she liked. She was a real wild child as a teenager and young adult."

But with YOU, she never even kissed you before your wedding day, and the sexual problems between the two of you commenced immediately thereafter. This indicates to me that in the case of your wife, she "settled" for a good man, but one who didn't really turn her on, and she knew it well before the wedding.

Now, if this is the case, is all hope lost? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But to overcome this situation requires counseling, counseling, counseling from a good sex therapist. You'll both need to dig into your own sexual fantasies and preferences, find what really "trips your trigger" (and why), and then look for areas of overlap between the two of you. It may mean shifting your sexual behavior towards your partner, and stretching your own envelope a bit to find those areas of accommodation. But it can be done.

And, yes, this is part of what my own wife and I are going through at the moment. I can report that, even in these early stages for us, it works. Just find a good therapist whom BOTH of you can trust.

As DanceQueen has been saying, I think a kiss, a real passionate kiss, is more intimate for many women than sex. For example, many prostitutes will do the 'old in-out' with a stranger, but won't kiss them. So, to wax poetic, a passionate kiss is the meeting of two souls, not genitals. I know what it's like to have a wife who is reluctant to kiss deeply, and it has a lot to do with either a fear of intimacy, some problem in the relationship, a lack of a natural 'spark,' or some combination thereof. But it CAN be worked through, with time, patience, and love.

Best regards,

Bagheera