I am the WAW...

[AnonymousJane73]

I am new here, just found this site the other day... sadly, a bit to late, I'm afraid.

I am the walk away spouse. I did so out of fear, anger, hurt. My husband said some really mean, hurtful, spiteful things to me. My husband has time in and time out always said to me "It's [my] fault." "[I'm] to blame." After this last conflict, on Mother's Dad, I had enough and left. I removed myself from his problem. But I am miserable. It's more because I feel so rejected, and I don't understand it. I wish I could get him to go to counseling, but he just lashes out at me that "[I] need counseling."

He never talks, he just criticizes me, complains or yells at me about things, or gives some snippy condescending attitude. Never takes my feelings into consideration. It's his response to other stresses that have prevailed over the years, that I understand. But somehow, I became his enemy. He's very arrogant.

I've left the house three weeks ago. He changed the locks on the house, so I can't get my things. He has not attempted to call me, nor I him. I've had quite a considerable time to think, and I don't know if it's too late, I believe it is. He's so angry, bitter and resentful. And the sad part, is that I know I'm not the root cause of it all.

Prior to me, he went through a devastating divorce. His ex took everything from him, everything. So, I understand why he changed the locks, but I want nothing of his things, just my clothes and my family heirlooms. I'm not his ex. He can keep everything else. I do not want money either.

He had a child dropped in his lap from a previous relationship prior to me too. A child he did not know about. That was an overwhelming event for both of us. But I didn't run, I stayed and supported him. He's a good father.

His ex was vicious through the years with vindictive personal vendettas and child custody 'war' for the past 6yrs. Every opportunity she got to 'see him in court', she did... it was so petty. I was witness to the chaos. I supported him, was there for him. I took care of his son. At first, he was very appreciative of me. Made time for me. But that weened.

Then the mother to his daughter became elusive, evasive and defiant. She wouldn't let him visit his daughter without her being attached to her hip. Gave excuse after excuse. She had a sever case of separation anxiety. She lost her job (after 7yrs), got pregnant with (at the time) ex-con drug addict boyfriend, and filed for welfare. The state went after my husband, which we were compliant with. (At first, she didn't want to go through the whole custody thing and my husband was so burnt out from his ex wife's battles, that he complied with his daughter's mother. For a long while, she was cooperative, then all of a sudden, she changed- the ex con boyfriend, got pregnant twice back to back, etc.) So, this last two years have been extremely stressful. The Mother of the daughter became intimidated by the whole court proceedings and is now very cooperative with my husband.

Two years ago, the ex wife got her head examined. Had some major counseling. The last two years, she's been so friendly, and cooperative. Since there has been no more conflict with these two woman, my husband bickers and picks on me now. Somehow, I am the enemy. He is so used to having conflict. I don't understand how I became such an enemy. I am not a high priority to my husband.

So, where do I go from here?

[Bridgestone]

hi
I am fairly new here too. I am a WAW but have been for about a year. You need to take care of yourself, get some support from friends, family, maybe even a counselor. Although I can not tell from your post if that is a good or bad thing for you right now?

Take time to find things that bring you joy. give yourself permission to grieve and be sad, hurt, all those things you are feeling. They are ok to feel that. I journal and talk with one close friend when I am hurting.

I hear your confusion, fear, sadness & despair in your posting and frustration and hurt over your husbands rejection of you as a person. Everyone has value, including those of us that WA.

I will ask you a question back...Where do you want to go from here? Remember you can only control you, not him, his actions, thoughts or feelings.. only yours.

[AnonymousJane73]

I don't know where I want to go. I'm so confused.

I am looking for a job, and that's been going miserably slow, it hasn't been helping me any. After that, I plan to move into an apartment, be on my own. Right now, I have my parents supporting me. I know I'm lucky, but it doesn't help that I still feel like a burden.

What is killing me is the sitting and waiting for job postings, interviews, etc. Even the temp agencies haven't been any good to me.

I'm trying to keep my mind busy. But it's really hard. I was never an emotional person, but now I feel overwhelmed and have this flood of feelings, mostly sadness. I understand it's perfectly normal to go through a mourning. I was never good at that, and stuffed my feelings to be supportive for everyone else around me.

I have never been a quitter either, and I feel like a total failure.

[Bridgestone]

hi
I did a quick read-thru of your reply but don't have time to give a real response other than ... chin up! It does get better.. YOU are NOT a failure.. the marriage/relationship as it existed was.

I have to get my DD from school & will be back later.

Rent a movie, find a friend, go for a bike ride, eat some Ben & Jerries!

Peace to you.

[Bridgestone]

BTW... been there, done that, felt all those things, think I even have the t-shirt & coffee mug laying around here. Still dig it out and take a drink from it sometimes.. just not as much.

[Bridgestone]

Hi anonjane
I hope your evening has been better?

I want to reassure you that there is good information on this forum and good advice on how to rebuild when you are hurting, confused, and sad because of a relationship breakdown, regardless if you are the left or the leaver. You need to read and pick & choose what you take to heart.

I heard you share a lot about your husband and his former marriages and trials & tribulations in your initial posting. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about you and your thoughts & feelings about the breakdown of the marriage?

I am a feeling stuffer as well and it took a lot of practice to identify feelings and then connect them to thoughts. But it was well worth the effort for all my relationships, once I got better at it.

Now may be a good time to start... you already said you were sad. I'm not sure a year ago I could have identified even that much!

I can totally understand that.. are there other feelings? I heard you say you stood by your H and supported him through his tough times.. how do you feel about yourself for doing that?

Since you are applying for jobs are you feeling hopeful at some level for getting one?

Since you are here, are you feeling the need to be understood & comforted by others going through similar circumstances?

I am new here too in terms of posting, but I have been reading here for over a year, so I hope you can find some tidbits of that comfort & support you may be looking for.

Peace to you.

[EnergyAZ]

Hello AnonymousJane73


I feel I can relate to your situation because (unfortunately) I behaved very similar as your husband did in creating my WAW.

1st - Its never too late, not in my opinion that is

2nd - does your husband actually realize his role in turning you away? It sounds like he is where I once was; I would blame her and insist it was her who needed the counseling, I was snippy, critical, condesending, complaining, loud, tempermental etc.

But I finally did 'see the light'. Once I genuinely understood what I did and how it affected her it was one of the most painful revelations in my life.

Dont get me wrong - she brought these issues to my attention countless times in the past, and I just didnt get it. I am a very stubborn person. I would simply react with telling her what I felt she wanted to hear, which frequently bought me some time that I failed to capitalize on. When my behavior wouldnt change, she would get THAT much more discouraged and feel more and more hopeless until it seems the only logical and sane solution for her is to leave.

But once I did get it, my stubborness was reborn into determination to save my marriage and make it stronger and more fufiling and rewarding than it ever has been in the past.

So...it IS possible that a man can finally identify & accept his weaknesses and take the steps towards realizing his own personal potential. That very potential you saw in him when you 1st fell for him. Its inside him, he just needs to figure it out. Have the blinders pulled off so to speak. Its not impossible!



PS - Bravo to you for coming to this site and participating! I really wish my girl would. But I am very pleased other WAW will come here because it really helps me understand your (WAW) perspective better and better. It gives me hope to see women in your shoes participating here

[AnonymousJane73]

All good questions, Bridgestone! To answer both of you...

I have a ton of feelings that I have sorted over the past couple of years. But the thing is that none of my feelings ever meant anything to my H, so they got shoveled into a corner where I had to pick and chose which ones were more important. It was always about him. Anything else was irrelevant.

My own history is complex, but not as nearly as complex as his. I was in an abusive relationship for 6yrs prior to him, and had a lot of help sorting it all out. (Informal counseling/support group I had gotten involved with, changed my life and perspective on things.) I was confident and happy when I met my H. We used to be able to talk, but if I disagreed with his views, then I was shut out. Now, I can't talk to him at all about anything. I know him better than he knows himself, yet I can't seem to break through to him. I'm no counselor. Now, I feel like I'm back to square one again, and have to rebuild myself all over again.

This is not my fault. I know that I am only responsibly for my actions and reactions. I know that I am not the sole creator for all things that go bad. I know that I am a better and stronger person than I was 10 yrs ago and I know that I do deserve to be treated with respect.

I was very happy to do the things I did for my H. It made me feel needed, but I also was greatly under appreciated for it too. It would have been nice if he would have just stopped, and gave me a hug or kiss, a thank you. I love you without prompting. Just little things to acknowledge my efforts. I was taking care of his kids, who have mothers of their own, and they or something always remind me of that everyday. Everything I did was based on a condition, unlike biological parents who have that bond and unconditional love.

My H never made time for me, and the things we used to do together, dinner, movies, riding bikes on the trail, road trips, etc... it just weened away. I tried to talk to him, sometimes he was receptive, but mostly not. Everything just morphed into 'family time'. There was no 'couple time' left. Now it's just soccer, this and soccer that, family camping in the summer, and recently, father and son martial arts. He's consumed himself in his kids so much, that there's nothing left for me. All I was was a babysitter. So, I left. Now I'm sure he's pissed off and angry with me, because I had the audacity to make him find someone to watch his kids and how selfish of me to blah blah blah... I can just envision it now. I felt trapped, unappreciated, and taken advantaged of. I was burnt out too.

The job hunt has been so awful. I quit my job two years ago, because my SS's school schedule changed and conflicted with my work schedule. My H is a cop, with an unusual schedule. So, I was relied on to take SS to school, while H picked him up from school. Then SS's school hours changed, and it created a conflict with my work schedule. We didn't have any other resources around us, so I eventually just quit my job and became a stay at home step mom. I'm afraid that nothing will come. I've applied to so many positions, and not one phone call back. I've even submitted my resume to temp agencies, which have always given me major turn around time, but nothing. I've even called them, still nothing. Makes me think my name is on some sort of black list. lol.

I don't have any friends, and so yes, I mainly am here to share and listen. I want to figure out where did I go wrong? I don't know if I can fix this marriage, because my H is so dead set that it's my fault, he's so arrogant and stubborn. I don't think he'll every figure it out, he's built such a wall around him and I'm so tired of trying to break through. Everything I do seems like he thinks it's some conspiracy against him. What I know and see and feel is that he needs to go to counseling, because his anger and resentment to his past partners have consumed him. I worry about him, I wonder what he's doing, going through, if he has any remorse. I know he's angry, but I don't understand why he's angry at me.

I decided that it was better to let him go, then to hold on. I have not talked to him since I left, and he hasn't tried to contact me one bit either... I'm not a high priority, I never was. I even think that I was not even in his heart, but a just a convenience.

[AnonymousJane73]

I also have to add that he now just consumes himself in his kids lives, and so everything is about his kids... therefore, I do not believe he will ever be willing to work on us. He'll just move on to his kids.

And no, I don't think he understands his role. He never has taken any responsibility for his actions, ever. I can count on one hand the number of apologies I've ever gotten from him too... three. All the while, I am the one that always has to put my foot forward, be the bigger better person, and basically take the blame. Not this time...

Will he ever 'wake up'? I seriously don't know, I'm doubtful. I have hope because I've seen it happen first hand. My father and mother were divorced when I was young. They remarried years later, but it was only because, like you, my father realized his part. Both my parents worked together, and now, they work in harmony together, and are very happy. They support each other, not drag them down.

My husband is very moody, sensitive, but you can't tell him that! LOL. I just try to leave him alone, but after you get barked at all the time, there's really nothing left but to bark back... and I do bite! But he's just so content with being bitter and mad, then when he wants something, turn around and talk to me in a sweet voice, like nothing is wrong. He's often snapped at me in front of the kids, then turn and talk to them so sweetly, then snap back at me, it makes me sick.

Can that be fixed? I don't know...

[EnergyAZ]

Your descriptions of your husbands behavior is almost identical to how I was.

However my wife and I have a child together, so there is the main difference there. Otherwise you pretty much described the 'old' me.

Like you, my wife felt doubtful...no..convinced that I would never change.

Once I started changing and obviously trying to live my life in a better way, a better communicator, a better listener, more calm & rational & respectful - it really confused her. She seems to have a hard time believing what she is seeing is going to be permanent or not. I cant say I blame her. All I can do is live each day as consistantly to my new outlook as possible. I am human though, and sometimes fall back into old traits. But they dont last long because I finally understand what I am doing. When I 'backslide' it validates and re-energizes her desire to leave. When I am consistent in my improved behavior, she is much sweeter to me. (not that I take it as a sign that she has decided to love and commit to me again) But it seems clear I am my own worst enemy here.

But my contributions to creating the WAW issue aside, she believes that she never truly loved me enough to get married in the 1st place. I am not sure if that is a symptom of years of unhappy thoughts about me or not. Do you ever feel that way about your H?