What a day. I am feeling much, much better after sleeping the whole morning and part of early afternoon. But today was an important day for me.
This afternoon I went to a doctor's appointment; I have a couple of spots on my skin that I wanted the doctor to look at. One is suspicious, but just looks like squamous cell carcinoma and it's highly treatable. My face, neck and arms have a lot of freckles and sun damage. While I don't really burn, I tan easily and used to tan A LOT. My frosh year in the dorms I was voted "tannest in the hall" because not only did I lay out, I waterskied every day I could and spent my time on the water. While I'm not wrinkled at all, I expected some kind of payment for all those hours under Hawaiian Tropic w/out sunscreen.
However, today I decided to talk to my doctor about me having adult ADD. I've been thinking about this for years. All the self-tests show I have it, my school record, work record, habits, etc. Back in the 70s you didn't diagnosed kids, but if I was a child today, I'm sure I would have been recommended to see someone about it. It was time to take some kind of action.
Facing the prospect of having to care and support two kids (with child support, my H is generous this way) and myself for the rest of my life, I figured it was time to get my act in gear. I've had a hard time keeping care of this big house we live in and am procrastinator number one. This is one of the 180 things I've been trying to do and, while I've definitely made progress I need to make more. I've had decent jobs before, but haven't ever excelled like I know I'm capable of and that was mostly because I was forgetful, unmotivated and unable to focus.
My doctor, who knows me well, agreed with me and we talked at depth about what to do. The first is I'm going on a trial of adderall to see how it affects me. The long term plan is to get more tools to help me. Last summer I got a Blackberry just to sync with my Mac calendar because I was forgetting everything. It's helped tremendously and apparently scheduling alarms is a great tool for adults with ADD. She recommended a few books, talking with my C about life coaching and organizational ideas and trying the medicine on for size for a few weeks, then taking weekends off, then just taking it when I had big projects on which I had to focus.
I feel like I grew up a little today and faced some personal demons. I am only telling the people on here and one of my sisters. I cannot tell my H, I know he'd either flip or lose respect for me. H is generally a good guy, but really doesn't like drugs or pills of any kind and it's not something I think he needs to know. Not now, maybe not ever.
On my R, journaling here. I was very sad today, I think mostly because I was sick. I drug myself to my S5's last tball game, where H sat next to me, but moved his chair back a foot or so and it bothered me. I don't know why he did it. But then he moved it back. His large hand was just inches from mine and I longed for it to reach over and take mine, comforting me in my illness. Then I thought about how that was gone and then it led to the "He just doesn't love me" thoughts. How can he not love me? How could he fall out of love with me? It was so painful. At one point, I slipped and reached over, putting my hand on his. He squeezed my hand tightly and I said, "I miss you." D'oh! He said, "What?" and I said, "Nothing." and I calmly pulled my hand away. Then as we were leaving and the kids were going to his apartment, I started getting weepy. I didn't want H to see and he hugged me tightly (no more kisses) and I just wanted to bury myself in his arms. It felt really good, partly because it was him and partly because I was sick. I said, "I love you." D'oh! He just said, "I love you guys." Grrr. I'm so angry at myself. Totally set myself up for that one.
Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow. All around.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I think he moved away and didn't touch you because he is germphobic and you are sick. When you are better, you will get better responses. But I know you need it more now. I'm sorry you are feeling low. I hope you find the adderall helpful. My S19 takes it and feels much more focused on it. But it makes him not hungry and wide awake at night, so he rarely uses it.
Good job on the stuff at the doctors! By the way, you are NOT procrastinator number 1! That position is taken, thankyouverymuch! I think I'm ADD, too. I was actually taking something (and now it escapes me) for a while, but it didn't seem to be doing the trick. And now other things are higher priority, but I would not be surprised to go back down that path at the right time.
As far as your R stuff, I'd have to agree with you! You set yourself up. You could have written the script, try not to do that to yourself!
I hope you are feeling better tomorrow, too! It's Thursday, after all!
My sister told me today that it's an appetite suppressant. The last thing I need is to lose more weight and that's why my sister told me. I've gotten in great shape, so weight isn't an issue and after this intestinal bug I've had for four days now, I've lost four more pounds (total of 20 pounds since last July). I know that most of that is water weight and will come back once I keep food in me for at least a day, but still. Her son started taking it a few years ago. He's diabetic and had to change his insulin doses because he was just forgetting to eat. I made a plan today to make sure to eat whenever the kids eat, then I won't "forget" to eat.
And the sleeping? That may be a problem and that's one reason I don't want to be taking it every day.
Jeff, I wrote the script and I knew it when they slipped out! I wanted to smack myself. Must stop. Don't know if you're much of a reader, but my doctor recommended that I read these two books, "Driven to Distraction" and "Answers to Distraction" that are written by a physician with ADD. I'm going to get them. I really am looking forward to "fixing" some of my issues. Being able to actually complete a task without stopping to do something else and getting distracted will be heaven. Managing my time efficiently is something I long for. I know I waste time. I know I put things off. I know that I can't stick to something through to the end. Some of it has to change.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
CW, I stop myself almost daily from touching my H or saying ILY or saying "Come on. This is ridiculous! Let's just kiss and make up."
It's incredibly difficult to understand how someone can love you so much and then stop completely. I can't imagine doing that myself.
I think I have ADD too. I took Ritalin at one point and it helped a lot, and I lost the 8 pounds that plague me easily--so that was great. But over time, I started having a letdown a few hours after it wore off that was terrible. I would get so depressed in the afternoons, just miserable (even while on ADs). I don't know if that happens to everyone.
I'm on ADs now and take Ambien to sleep most nights--which is NOT good, I know. I take half the dose I was taking and am hoping to get off it completely.
Anyway, glad to hear you are taking care of yourself CW. As always, you sound strong and focused. From your posts, I would think you were the opposite of ADD.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I think I will look for those books! We sound like the same person! I have "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!", but I was too ADD to read it! I think I might try again!
I'm only strong and focused when I'm interested in the subject. Stubborn, even.
I've been wondering, why do I even want my H? He's shown to be self-centered, not emotional dependable and just not any kind of a man I'd be attracted to if I met him today.
Went a little non-dark today following H's lead. He called to see how I was feeling and emailed me a few times. I backed off and when he called again, I made pleasantries and handed the phone to my D.
Then I was sad, again, and thought back to the mean and thoughtless things he said to me and one really stuck out. He once told me that he wasn't the guy for anyone to lean on, that he couldn't be the spouse that helps prop someone up, that they need to be able to take care of themselves without him. What kind of a spouse is THAT? Why do I want him back? Do I want him back?
The answer, of course, is yes. But is it just a matter of pride now? Or would I really be better off with him? I know the kids would be better off, so it's a no-brainer choice to me, yet I'm sitting here today wondering if I shouldn't instead just kick his sorry ass to the curb.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Oh, don't get me started on something I WANT to do, you might not see me for days!
It sounds to me that you are at a spot where you need to be quiet and still. Which you are doing. I think you'll find yourself again, and be able to pick yourself back up. Maybe someday, not, but I don't think you are done.
