Mixed Signals - version ? who's counting

[FLTC]

cf,

It's going on two years for you. I finally got some time between the Shi'a and Sunni to come over and visit! Although I haven't really been looking in on you for some time, since I was in PA in June 07, it seems like not a lot has changed. Has your W. come out and told you what her long term plan is yet? How long can you go on? At least I could get over here and get totally absorbed in something else until I could semi-wrap myself around the inevitable. Less than 20 days left here. My original orders said 690 days active duty: Operation Iraqi Freedom. I can remember the anxiety those words alone brought to me, and I can still remember almost trying to bail out of this. That would have been a horrible mistake for me.

You are fighting trench warfare every day. You can't distance yourself, because she's constantly THERE, which is hugely difficult. I remember you talking about your 40th BD almost two years ago now. That's plain painful. Plus, her undecided attitude lets you stay stalled. You can't move forward, because she's not been definitive. Ugh.

[catfan]

For me personally (emotionally, mentally, financially) a lot has changed which is a really good thing. I've been able to make wholesale changes in me, changes back to the real me and changes to the person I have always endeavored to be. (Side note, her father was the type of man I always wanted to be. It took a good long time for me to realize I was that man as long as I wasn't fighting it. I love being that man now!!!)

Yes she's grown more distant in that we don't talk nearly as often(read daily) nor do we do things like lunch etc. If you recall she for a long time "wants to see if we can be friends again." Hell I never realized we weren't friends and best friends at that.

I think now she's probably lightly MLC because she doesn't know what she wants and re-reading the MLC chapters in Michele's books seems to fit my wife to a tee. Recently she told me that we need to only talk about the issues and items regarding the kids. That lasts a few days and next thing I know she's all chatty with me about this or that.

We did have a strange interaction yesterday. I emailed her asking for an update on a few outstanding action items from our separation agreement that she's responsible for. Long story short a document she had her lawyer draw up for the 401k transfer was given to me to review. This document and the transfer can only be completed at the time a divorce is granted.(I didn't realize that.) So I asked if I should read into anything here since she gave me the document. Her answer back was it was prepared based on the fact that the transfer is an outstanding action item. But "I have not asked them to prepare a divorce filing at this time." Now the real odd thing was the night before she called to talk with the girls and wanted to talk to me. She chatted away just like we were two happily married people.

So, she's the one stalled. I've decided to continue to just live my life and not worry about what she does or doesn't do. Basically I've taken the "plan for the worst, hope for the best" attitude. I'm in no big hurry and am just enjoying my life.

[FLTC]

Her behavior is maddening. She has everyone in the air. You, your kids, even herself. The tone of the interactions seems difficult to me. Like talking like a married couple, then going blackout on you, only wanting to talk about the kids! Jeez!

[catfan]

FLTC, I think a lot of this has to do with most likely mild MLC and pride. She's one to stick to her guns once she makes a decision. She's rarely ever admitted fault for anything, work, family, relationship, etc. To her it seems admitting fault is admitting some weakness. But she knows when she's wrong like she knows when I am right. One thing she rarely has ever done was admit when I was right. She'd grudgingly just go along with it. Actually it became a bit of a joke with us, especially when we worked together.

But not matter what I'm in a good place, I stand for us, for the vows I gave from my heart. And I know deep down she appreciates the stand, appreciates the space I am now giving her. If reconciliation is to be she knows I'll never hold any grudge against her about all of this because love is my foundation, not hurt, bitterness, anger etc.

[catfan]

So I am really finding it hard to stand right now and I just need to vent. A week and no contact, so I have no idea when she's planning on bringing the girls by for Father's Day. Then yesterday a call at 1:30 saying she's going to drop the girls off in a hour, is that OK. Well no it's not because I did have errands I was trying to take care of. She just thought she could drop them off at any time in the afternoon and never thought to give me a little notice on when she might drop them off nor did she have any regard for me or what I might be doing. To her she expected I'd just sit by the phone waiting for her call and be giddy when it came.

Then there are a number of other small things about our vacation house that we need to address. Nothing big just little maintenance type things we need to discuss. I send her an email earlier in the week about them, silence.

Oh and there's the trip to overseas for work in two weeks, she's taking the girls too. She didn't think any thing of it that she hadn't provided me any details of where they'll be, who'll be taking care of the girls while she's at work, etc. Uh, we have joint custody I think giving me these details is a reasonable thing.

Lastly there's the car that's still in my name along with the loan. She's "going to sell it to carmax this week" well this has been going on for 6 months now. Fine, what day are you thinking of going over there? Once again, "I don't know, I don't have any idea." Nice, well what if I have plans that day? Again she just thought I'd jump up and say, sure I'll meet you there, I have nothing better to do.

I know it all sounds trivial but seriously it all revolves around consideration for others and her lack of planning or an idea of a plan, not to mention communication. She was always such a solid planner and considerate before all of this. Now she seems to think it's fine to seat of the pants everything and not tell anyone who's affected, yet she still expect me to have a good idea of what I'm going to be doing and make sure she is informed.

I'm sorry but I can't help but think she's now specifically trying to drive me away, to get me to react, to get me to get angry and blow up. It's like she's subconsciously playing some game.

Right now I really do just want to tell her, "OK fine you want me out of your life, fine, here ya go, I'm gone." Then go to the courthouse and file and after that just never speak to her again in any way shape for form and if the girls ask just tell them that mommy didn't want Daddy in her life anymore and be done with it all.

I am just so frustrated right now with her!!!

Oh and the worst part, when I look at her, what I see in her eyes tells a different tale, the look on her face and her eyes seem to be saying something different. I believe what I see is what's really deep in her heart. Yet her her body language and words say differently. What I think I see in her eyes and her face is really those deep feelings in her heart. While her words and body language say what her mind is saying.

Folks I am at that edge again and now I don't know if it's worth standing any longer. But my heart say I should stand for my family, for the vows I gave and for us because deep down I know we can be a wonderful couple and family again.

[catfan]

Wow I posted my last post 12 hours ago, 2 views and zero replies, ouch. Sorry not trying to guilt anyone I'm just really surprised right now. Then again I don't post much to other's threads anymore either. You know the old saying you get what you give, I guess that holds true here too.

No I don't participate much in this forum like I did in the past, between my job and GALing I've got things going on and the whole situation just doesn't consume me like it did early on. I have my days and yesterday was one of them but I'm mostly just getting on with life. I stand and stand fairly quietly now, she and I don't talk much. Its actually a bit maddening because she'll be silent or curt with me one day then a few days later, chat my ears off. She'll say "I just didn't have anything to say then." OK whatever, odd we were always chitchatting before all this. Then again it usually was about work since we worked together or kids.

I've got a friend here who told me that they admire my stand and my view that I have to see it through before I throw in the towel. This friend realizes for me it's about my word and regret. I gave my word, my vow and in that I said "for better and for worse" and I meant that. Standing is something I have to do for me. I'm ok with whatever the outcome of this situation will be, I do have a preference but it's not really my choice in many ways. But if it ends in divorce I know I'm fine and will continue to be fine. I am good to my word and for me that's very, very important. If I were to quit now I'd have regret and for me regret means I failed to do everything in my power to resolve this situation.

So I straighten myself up after being knocked around by frustration. I wobbled, I stumbled about but I didn't fall. Evil can try but I won't succumb to its efforts.

1 Corinthians 16: 13-14

"13Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14Do everything in Love."

[cat03]

sounds like she is being thoughtless and has no plan of what to do, where to go and perhaps wants you to get the unpleasantries done (maintenance on the vac. home, selling the car).

Concerning the girls, you might want to draw the line somewhere, she has the duty of telling you when/where the kids are going/how they are doing. Do you guys have a schedule as far as holidays and when you have the girls? however long this sitch is going to go, you and the girls deserve some normalcy and routine concerning when you see them.

Sadly, you have to put your expectations at 0 about her being considerate and make a list of the things to do at the vac home and leave her a phone msg letting her know what is to be done and a time frame of when they have to be done, same with the car, those loose ends are going to drive you nuts later otherwise.

[catfan]

Hey Cat! To answer your question not in order, we've been separated 19 months, since Nov 8, 2006.(18th anniv of her father's death a man who I wanted to be like for so long but didn't feel worthy which was a root of a lot of my personal issues. I finally realized it was in my all along and all I had to do was change how I viewed myself. Huge burden removed then!)

Yes we have a rather detailed separation agreement that outlines custody. We have joint(50-50) custody. There are specific provisions for special days like birthdays, father and mothers days, and a schedule for holidays and vacations. So far its worked out very well and I think we've parented and worked together very well. (Notice I didn't say co-parent because that seems like an odd way to refer to it to me, we are still parents.)

Right now I think she's trying desperately to establish her own life, meaning GAL as Michele puts it. With that it means distancing herself from me further and trying to create her identity independent of me or being Mrs. Catfan. In some regards, she seems to think that means absolutely as little communication as possible. I think this gets back to another issue, she never lived or was on her own. After high school she went from her parents to college, we met her 1st semester, spent most of our time together for my last 2 years, I graduated, we got engaged 2 months later, she graduated 6 months after that, we got married 2 months after that then bought our 1st house 2 months after that!! In other words in 4 years she went from high school cheerleader living under daddy's wing to being married and a homeowner!

I did tell her Sunday night that I didn't appreciate that she hadn't given me any idea of what to expect Sunday and told her that I had things to do and wasn't just sitting around waiting for her call. She did give me a sincere apology but then qualified it with "I thought we decided to just leave it open." She did apologize a second time and I do believe she realized she had overstepped. That all said, she did say she'd get me the travel info. Well here 2 days later, nothing, which I was somewhat expecting because I don't believe she has those details worked out. Now she has to figure them out because she knows I can legally prevent her from taking the girls.

As for the car, its her car but in my name and in her possession.(I purchased it in Nov 06 prior to us moving back from the UK in Dec 06. We needed the car.) Again the separation agreement is very clear here and I have been considerate given the transmission was out in it and she didn't have the money to have it repaired. It was repaired last week so now I expect action and she knows it. If not by this week then I have legal recourse which I will pursue.

[cat03]

yish, that is maddening! it's been two days, I dont' see why you can't call her and let her know that you need to know today.

[catfan]

Well I think the fat lady may be warming up. Why you ask? Well to be honest over the last month or so my wife has continually distanced herself from me. First she stopped calling the girls when they were with me, second if I called when they where with her she'd pass the phone to them as soon as she could, third she has now done things to do what ever she can so she doesn't have to see me. She'll also not chitchat with me. Sure she'll listen to my chitchat but not chat back, in other words she won't share little things from her day or life with me, the nothing things.

OK on the third, first a backslide, on Tuesday I called the girls and also spoke with my wife. During that call I invited her to dinner with the girls and me on Friday. I'm getting the girls from camp Friday afternoon but have to go by the house to get their bags. Initially my wife accepted the dinner invitation but tonight she said she was going to our beach house mid afternoon. (I noted in her tone as we talked that it seemed she was only talking with me to be nice.) Well part two is I had planned to take the girls to the beach Sunday for the day with a buddy and his kids meaning we'd be there early Sunday morning. Tonight my wife told me she was coming back Saturday night. So clearly she doesn't want to see me.

So all I can say is after 19 months is, I guess she's finally pulling the trigger. The thought of it hurts like hell but I'll get through it. I really had a renewed sense and faith in us but I think I was only wishing. If this is the end, so be it, I've stood thorough it all and that for me is something I can be proud of. Still it hurts like all get out but I know I stood, stood for the commitment, for the vow I made, a vow that came from the bottom of my heart, from my very being, from love. Yes, I will always love her, she will always have a piece of my heart, there is a special place there reserved just for her. This is the woman that captured my heart so completely I'd give my life for her.

If this is the end, well all I can do is love her completely, love her enough to set her (and me) free. (You know the whole love and let it free bit.) At some point hopefully someone will steal my heart that I can love them back in the same way. For now, I have two wonderful daughters that I can love and be a super Dad to.

So if this is the end, so be it. I have loved completely, loved unconditionally, loved through every part of my vows, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, for better for worse. And I will love her until death due us part.