Aussie Girl - Trying to be patient

[One Day]

((((Essie)))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad about the second half of the conversation. It's such a roller coster isn't it?

Hello

I need a bit of encouragement - feeling really pants today....

I love that this has become an international phrase now. But sorry you're feeling pants

I returned H's call (returning my text message about having a drink).... First part of conversation went really well.

Well, this is brilliant news! What was so good about the first part of the conversation? Hurray! I think it's great that you and H talked on the phone, and it seems like it was for a reasonable length of time too.

So H went to NZ for a friends wedding - he told me about it, his family etc. I was happy and validating.

Brilliant- this is also great. And it's great that he was telling you about his trip, speaking about family with you and so on. This is also a baby step, right?

He told me that he went out with his cousin and cousin's wife and told them everything that had happened in our R... And his cousins wife had said "dont worry... when I was 19 I cheated on a guy who really loved me and wanted to marry me, as a way to get out of the R".

Who cares what she said? All this shows is how insensitive she is! I think the important thing is that she started with 'don't worry'. Why did she do that? Maybe H was worried about what had happened and was confiding and trying to get some support. Maybe he was worried because he feels bad about what happened. Cousin's wife sounds like she was trying to think of something to make herself feel better- like a thing people say when they don't know what to say. I think you should ignore this as what she said doesn't reflect anything about your H's intentions (or lack of). From what I can remember, you asked H to leave (?) so this doesn't fit with his actual behaviour....

When H said that it just got me in the stomach...... So I got really quiet. I was just angry and hurt - how selfish is he, to say something like that to me NFC?!?

I agree- this does seem insensitive. On the other hand (and I know this is a small consolation), at least he was comfortable enough with you to open up and discuss that he told someone else about it. Just try not to assume anything of H's intentions in discussing this. As I said earlier, it could have been him trying to vent a little in an 'I'm feeling terrible about this' way.....

He asked how I was, and I couldnt really think of anything fun and happy to tell him.

He asked how you were?! Brilliant! He was sensitive to your mood and noticed something was up, and wanted to know what it was. That's a good baby step. Don't beat yourself up about not ahving anything fun/upbeat to say- I wouldn't have been able to either.

And then he said he was surprised to get my text where I had suggested that we meet up for a drink.

I think this is really interesting- it suggests that he thinks you dod't want to speak to him. I think he was 'nice' surprised because he wouldn't have texted back unless he was pleased to hear from you. This is GREAT!

I cant really remember but I think I said, that I just wanted to catch up and see him, if he was interested.

Great DB!

He said yeah, he was thinking that he might come over to my house for coffee one time after he has visited my next door neighbour (which is definitely NOT him asking me out for a drink).[quote=Essie]
Does it matter that he's not asking you OUT for a drink? Isn't it a baby step for him to come in for a coffee one time? I remember it wasn't so long ago that he would visit the neighbour and then just go home, so this could be a great way to get together and chat a little and show him how magnificent you are, Ess! I think you should accept, and build up to the drink out after a couple of coffees perhaps?

[quote=Essie]I'm feeling crap. Had a big cry about it last night. Am mad at myself cause I know when he started to bring up R stuff I should have changed the subject back to light and happy topics, or just gotten off the phone.

((((Essie))) I'm so sorry you feel bad. It's good to have a cry and let it out. As T says, embrace the sadness! But don't beat yourself up over getting quiet. This is HARD stuff, and yuo did brilliantly in speaking to H and being so happy and fun the whole time. Getting a bit quiet is no need to be angry with yourself- this isn't going to break your DB efforts.....

Maybe I'm reading too much into it?? Surely if that was the reason he had cheated and left he wouldnt actually share it with me?!?

Yes, I think you are reading too much into it. He wouldn't have said that to you if that was the reason he cheated. No way.

How are you feeling today Ess? I think you did brilliantly with your DB during the call- lots of little baby steps happened yesterday, so focus on those. When will H come round for the coffee?!

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

L.xx