"That is where I am in so many ways. The company I work for is going under, my businesses are not able to support us so I am looking for work. Most likely, we will have to leave Colorado to find a new job. Add that on top of everything else!"
NTE, I can understand how that may all seem overwhelming. One thing that I have personally made peace with in my own mind and that has helped me a tremendous amount, is that ... life changes. All the time. Every single person and thing in your life right now - good or bad - is changing, and one day will have crumbled into nothing altogether (depending on your religious beliefs it may be different for the soul!). Life itself constantly changes and struggling against that inevitable fact is a waste of your time and energy. Instead of fighting against the current, start learning to swim strongly with it - carve new possibilities out of the changes that will inevitably come your way. For all you know, leaving Colorado may turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to you. So start looking at the positives of this kind of move. I said in a previous post that one of the defining characteristics of a man is a relentless optimism for the future. Cultivate that way of thinking, it will serve you well whatever happens.
"Your thoughts about making a choice, trying and trying again are very encouraging! I have always hated to make mistakes. That is something I am working on for myself and my kids."
Yes, the fear of failure and/or change - usually masked with defensiveness and/or perfectionism - plagues nice guys and cripples them from fulfilling their true physical, economic and spiritual potential. Stop playing it safe and start looking at life as a succession of risk/opportunity-type events. Every hour of every day is an opportunity for you to be and act the best man that you already are. Don't let fear and resentment prevent you from doing the right thing.
"Couldn't do it. The thought of kissing her like that just felt kind of disgusting. Not really sure what that means..."
NTE, I find this very significant - you are displeased at the lack of sex in your marriage, but find the thought of a single passionate kiss "disgusting". I think you very much need to find out what "that means".
"When we are young girls, we fantasize about the beautiful hero taking us in his arms and giving us a passionate kiss."
DQ (and NTE), Quite so. I think a lot of problems in marriage (and in life generally) can be traced back to what we picked up as children and our resulting expectations. I suppose its inevitable. I'm no great fan of Fairy Tales, because they all assume that there was indeed a "Happily Ever After", whereas it seems to me that the personal struggles of the Prince and Princess were only just beginning!
All that said though, as a man I do find the concept of heroism and the heroic mindset to be a very intriguing and valuable one. I now make a point of thinking of all my problems from a heroic perspective i.e. how can I deal with this to the very best of my ability and displaying the utmost cheerfulness? For average Western men (such as me) in SSMs with financial and child-rearing responsibilities, this is a difficult mindset to adopt, because we have all been led (through the messages we have picked up from childhood, adolescence, the media etc) to expect some kind of reward for everything that we do i.e for being a "good husband" - regular sex.
The difficulties are then as follows: (1) averagely balanced and healthy women do find heroes attractive, but (2) heroes never expect a reward (look at history), hence (3) the average man struggles to be heroic and give his best in life, because he is constantly niggled by the past lack of reward, resentment and the fear of "but what if she doesn't even notice, still doesn't want to have sex" etc, also (4) the woman senses the man's inner conflict and finds it unattractive, or even (5) the woman has become accustomed to living like this, has lost touch with her own inner femininity, is just focussed on herself and/or "the children" etc.
So yes, the heroic concept does require a man to ditch a whole lot of baggage - perhaps many years' worth. But I have done that myself. It was a continuous process of 18 months and counting. It has affected every single area of my life - some dramatically, others less so.
Did my wife react? Yes. Was it exactly the way I would previously have "expected". No. Did it result in an endless supply of sex? No. Did it nonetheless lead to me feeling a better, stronger, more productive and happier man? Absolutely. Did my marriage improve? Yes. Did our sex life nonetheless improve? Yes, and there were also more subtle changes - its difficult to put into words, but when a man is truly living in the outside world, he brings that strength and sense of purpose home with him. His wife's moods bother him less - he just pushes through them. Rejections bother him far less. He gets on far better with his children. His wife notices all of this, she starts to relax, and her own natural femininity and radiance start to show - a lot of what deida said about this is spot on. Its a woman's grace and radiance that a man most wants to experience with his wife - an emotional and spiritual "opening up". Sex is one important way in, but its not the only one. Once I was no longer fixated about sex or a lack of it, I started to notice all of these other ways. Even without these changes in my marriage, would I now ever go back to thinking and living as the man I was before? Absolutely not - it would be like living only half a life.
So NTE, do not allow your wife or your past to drag you down. Rise above it. Develop your mind as a heroic/masculine tool and get it stuck into all of your problems. You owe it to yourself.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
