Mine too Val...H wouldn't say anything. I could tell something was wrong and when I asked him he'd tell me he's just bothered by work. NOTHING about our M. THE NIGHT before he left, I straight out asked him "H do you love me like a wife or just a friend?" He looked at me and said "Ofcourse I love you like a wife!" When I brought that up in his anger period he told me he didn't remember saying that and he's sorry if he said it. What a guy!
Dar, my H would say 'nothing' too, and blame on work stress as well...DOn't have a clue what he remembers now...
I have to say that my sitch is different in that my H, when I ask him, always says he is IN LOVE with me...that he never wanted anyone else. When I ask if he is 'in love' with anyone else, he say no. I'm not sure I believe him but I don't press and I don't ask anymore...
SO, is your H still angry? Mine is not....he is in the whiny, selfish stage...or whatever...
My H has pretty much forgotten much of what he said in his anger period...like as if he never said it...
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
As a guy, I know I have always been taught to just "deal" with any unhappiness or unmet need. I was never taught to complain about any problems (even when asked) just take care of them. For me during one part of my M, involved an EA for a few months. From my perspective I knew I loved my wife, but I knew I wasn't happy (W was heavily involved in Work etc) so I had a problem I needed to fix. I even made some hints, I guess expecting her to read my mind etc. I certainly couldn't complain to my W, because she depended upon me to be her rock, etc. Eventually I just talked myself into believeing "what is wrong with having a friend". Afterall, I don't mean any harm, etc. It wasn't until I was on the receiving end of an EA a few years later that I fully appreciated the damage and hurt it could cause.
I am by no means endorsing my actions or any others that choose paths like this, but it is easy to see how person can follow this path even with somewhat warped good intentions.
One good thing that has come out of my present sitch, is that I have learned a lot more about expressing myself, unfortunately I can't use it too much now since that only pushes her further away and I am just starting to bring her closer through good DBing
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Wow TwinDad...that was great! It is good to hear from the other side how it feels and the thoughts that accompany it.
I think my H was also taught this way...especially as he is the Latin Lover (LL) and all that macho bullshit accompanies that as well.
I think it is great that you can see how hurtful that was although you can't really say anything in your present sitch...you've grown and learned!!!
I wish my H had been more expressive. I would love to be able to say that to him:"LL, I would like for you to be more expressive in your thoughts and feelings."
Truly that would be great!
Good luck in the dbing! Sounds like you are doing a great job!
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
While we live this LBS limbo our lives seem tragic.
The REAL tragedy would be not using what we have learned later when the opportunity arises.
Life Lessons suck, so you remember them and try your damndest not to repeat them.
I really do not know about the whole 80-20 split, but I do know that something was missing for my wife. I do know that I failed in paying attention to her, I do know we both talked about what the other one contributed to a vicious cycle, I do know that neither one of us fixed ourselves, rather we expected the other one to address our needs without bothering past a token attempt at changing. I failed my wife at the time, I contributed, by ignoring her, by playing computer games that were so much more important than her, to the destruction of her self esteem. I was a huge part of that. So much so that I might as well have undressed both her and the OM and bought them the hotel room and plane tickets for their vacation and wished them well.
So while we might be 80%, or more, or less.
That 20%...
Guess what?
Rather than totally put the blame on our spouses, rather than ask, what would happen if they came and blah blah blah, maybe, the REAL question goes something like this.
Why didn't I give 100%?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
So much so that I might as well have undressed both her and the OM and bought them the hotel room and plane tickets for their vacation and wished them well.
Sorry Pirate, I think this is crazy talk. I think that damage was done to her yes. I think that knowing and realizing that you had a part on that is totally right on. I don't think that sleeping with someone else and going on vacations, and her lying to you and all that was only YOUR fault. I think that her having an affair was the cowards way out. I get it. I understand it, I just know that not everyone that is unhappy goes and has a physical affair.
Take blame where it is warranted, don't go overboard with it tho.
I totally AGREE 100 percent with this statement.
Quote:
Rather than totally put the blame on our spouses, rather than ask, what would happen if they came and blah blah blah, maybe, the REAL question goes something like this.
Why didn't I give 100%?
You are blessed in that you get to put what you have learned, with the spouse that walked away from you.
For the others that don't get that chance, we get to put what we have learned to use in future R's, and pretty much in our basic R's with anyone we encounter.
It is a work in progress. I also think that we have to know that it was not ONLY our faults. That pressure is way to much, and not realistic in my opinion.
I did not put Javier's penis in someone elses vagina, he did that all himself.
My actions caused a drift, My actions contributed to the demise. But MY actions did not put him in bed with someone else, he made that choice all by himself.
B/c Javier's actions also made my self esteen low, and his actions also had me wanting the urge to feel loved, But I did not have a physical affair.
Yes Mlc made them do it and blah blah
But I also think they need to take some ownership in what they have done
Last edited by Lissie; 06/04/0805:25 PM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
The attention I wasn't paying her, the compliments and the time I wasn't giving...the OM was able to give in spades. To that I might as well have undressed them...(continue the rest)
: )
You said penis.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
i think we own too much of the crap that doesn't belong to us
I think we just feel that way since we are likely the ones that want to make our R and M work, hence the reason for us being here. If our spouses wanted to make things work then they would be here as well....
Honey is that you? (j/k)
Because we want to make it work so bad we take on the burden in the hope that if it is all my fault and I can fix the faults then everything will be ok. The logic might be a little flawed but if we didn't want it to work then their would likely be no guilt on our part (at least not now....it all has a way of coming out at somepoint)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
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