Bad day yesterday, in the morning when she dropped me off everything was ok. Then by the time she came home yesterday she had a hell of an attitude, I inquired and she blasted back with I got alot of things on my mind and some space would be nice. So I backed off went into the room, and started reading michele's DBing book. Around 2hours later she emerges in the room and she brings up our relationship talk. Something we both agreed that we would not have unless absolutely necessary. She continues to be all over the place saying that she believes Ilm putting to much hope in retrouvaille and this and that. Ans then she comes with well Im an unhappy person so yes all my thoughts right now are not going to be negative, and you need to ask yourself if you want to go through the next two months like this. Like I said I dont know what in the hell happened from the time we left each other yesterday morning until she got home from work yesterday afternoon. She consantly brings up her parents and how the divorced and how it effected her. Then she tells me that everytime she hears me talk she just feels im trying to say all the right things. I swallow my pride and I just respond with no, everything I say about you, our relationship, and our kids is straight from my heart. I dont just say things just for the thought of saying them. Then she comes with well I feel you will never be able to fully trust me again. I mean even if I came to you and say ok I want us to work it out, you will feel the need to check up on me. The only thing I said after that is, if you do that will you try and regain my trust/ Of course i got answer. Dont know whats next but I told her this morning, that I want to avoid these talks in the future until we learn the proper tools to make progress through them, because other than that nothing is getting accomplished. Her threapist wants me to go in with her next week for a session, I agreed. Told her whatever I can do to help I'm there. I dont know whatelse to do but act as if, and also give her some space. SO ill start taking the kids out to the playground and things like that, to get out of her area.
And now this other topic other than her birthday being this friday, the subject is about us going home as a family to her hometown for the 4th of july. I dont know if i want to go now, but i know i need to be there for my kids.
Also our talk last night started around 9 and didnt end until after midnight and nothing got accomplished.
If I recall correctly, you are prior military...nice civilian term, prior...heh, your a vet man. Even if you were a desk jockey you know that information is a key to any victory. Even if I got it wrong and you're not a vet, information is vital.
My take, is she is telling you not to get your hopes up. Much like many of us here, for different reasons. We told you because we expected this. She is telling you, well because it is like a script, if your wife is having an MLC there are certain things you can pretty much count on happening. In the 'nicer' MLCs you can expect them to play along with you, making the attempt to 'seemingly' repair the marriage so that when it doesn't work out, they have 'tried'.
The OM that you think is gone...don't let that bite you in the ass. The MLC are crafty and cunning SOBs, let me tell you. Prepare yourself at least mentally that you are wrong.
Birthday...buy presents for her from the kids, not really from you, nothing mushy or amazing, you cannot 'buy' her back...here is a 'trick' and it is a trick pure and simple. Buy her something nice too, but do NOT give it to her. IF she complians about you not getting her something, THEN pull it out. You can always say, I was trying to give you space, and didn't want any present to seem like pressure.
Vacation...yeah...that sounds like fun huh? You have some time to get the lay of the land on that particular mine-field.
A word of caution...do not use you children as a justification to be around her, got it? They are not tools, you don't ACTUALLY have to be there in a crappy situation that is only crappy because of the tension between you and your wife. You have time to work on this one.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
All right in on it, yesterday she was with him, so im going to just take it one day at a time. As of today it is 50 days until retrouvaille weekend. Where in fact she told me if we find the tools work then it is for the best. She has me confused not really knowing what she wants. But I gave her spending money yesterday in accordance with the budget which i started this month. And actually I cant wait until Tuesday until I get to meet with her therapist. I want to give my side of the story, and see what has been said before. Will keep you updated.And yes I'm an Army vet.
It is her therapist. Not yours, not a marriage councilor. Her therapist is going to be looking out for her best interests and sadly not always is that to stay married.
Think long and hard about this. Don't defend yourself. This isn't a battle and you are NOT going to be getting any information out of her therapist. You will look soooo much better to her therapist if you are loving and kind. Not defensive and prying.
I hate to say that this whole BS situations we have found ourselves in is a f-ing game, but you should be playing to win not to fail. So plan accordingly. Or rather plot accordingly. Pick your battles, and win the war.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 06/05/0804:09 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah her therapist, but the thing is the information I receive from her from going to therapy, is that her therapist is telling her to do what she needs to do to break the cycle of her parents divorce. She says her therapist is telling her that there is an answer to our problems. Which I was surprised to hear because what I have read that therapist look out for their patients. But this one is telling my wife that she needs to put the work in to stay married and work through the issues. Ijjst left my therapist and he gave me some plans to talk about. First he told me to ask, what is my reasoning for being here. Then he said just open up and tell how much you care and love your wife. And he said when the therapist hears that, and she knows there isnt any abuse going on she is going to continue to guide her, to stay in the marriage and work things out. But we will see, that is this coming Tuesday.
by the way my therapist told me that, I have more reasons to stay and work through this instead of leave. He said he thinks I'm doing the right thing, and it takes a man to really sit down and want to work through things. He said if I wasnt true to her there is no way he could see me going through this. He said alot of men run, and want to be free form this but he said it will be the same situation down the line so what do you do, keep running. He said I'm doing the right thing, and he said be open when I see her therapist, and tell her what my wife and marriage means to me.
Then she comes with well I feel you will never be able to fully trust me again. I mean even if I came to you and say ok I want us to work it out, you will feel the need to check up on me. The only thing I said after that is, if you do that will you try and regain my trust/ Of course i got answer.
My H said the exact same thing to me.
I answered him by telling him to let me decide what I can and cannot forgive and that I was pretty certain that we would be able to get past anything if he was willing to try.
I'm pretty sure he just wanted the reassurance that if he tried "us" that I wasn't going to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble.
Reassure without pressuring. Like Jack said, it's a game. A very high stakes game that we have to learn how to play very quickly if we want things to swing our way.
Good luck at the therapist.
BFM
Last edited by butterflymom; 06/05/0807:44 PM.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I told my wife not to sell me short, that it wasn't up to her to determine what I could and could not forgive. That I was a better and stronger person than she realized, that I was a better and stronger person than anyone she had ever known. It was not her place to tell me what I could or could not do, but if that was the excuse she needed to not try and reconcile, then she could use it as long as she realized it was her failing.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
