Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[IC2]

Well, I'm a little bit upset. It seems the last time there was a little bit of a celebration, I was laid up in the hospital and now....now I find out there was a birthday that I missed. Let me guess....homemade butter-cream frosting again Hmmm, let's see...I didn't get any cake the last time....I didn't get any Easter cookies and now I'm finding out that my birthday party invitation mysteriously got lost in the mail. Jen, I'm beginning to think you don't love me anymore

How you doing kid? I've been missing in action for a quite sometime so I've got some catching up to do. Hang in there k?

-IC
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"If you can't lick 'em....lick 'em" - Ted Nugent

[JennyF]

((((IC))))) Oh how I've missed you! Hope you're doing well.

And don't worry, there's lots more buttercream frosting where that came from!!!

Things are a little up and down with me right now. I've on a mission for a happy life and I'm definitely working on that every day. All the unknowns right now are killing me a bit...along with my kids at 'their' house. I'm trying not to dwell on those things and accept it as best I can...for them. But I think things are coming to a bit of a head with H....

Today, my best friends got her chance to talk to H.
Bear with me as I divulge the details....
She told him that she was tired of him believing that she is ok with any of the decisions he has made or continues to make. She said that she and everyone else (all of his very close friends) think he's nuts. He tried to say 'this is the first I've heard of this'....so BF just called him on his obliviousness (is that a word?). She told him that his behaviour and hers at the party was unacceptable and that she is nothing more than the woman he had an affair with and that he never should have brought her. She told him he continues to put his friends in awkward positions and that he is blind to the fact people are uncomfortable. She said the man she was best friends with would never have F'd another woman and from the moment he did that every decision he has made from that point on has been a bad one. She said every decision he has made has been self serving and not respectful of anyone in the least....especially his wife and kids.
Apparently he just listened. He tried to defend a couple things....but didn't say much at all. BF said she could tell that he was offended by what she was saying. Especially when she told him that he wasn't only oblivious about the affects of this on his friends....that it's the same disregard he's showing for his children right now. She said he never should have moved his kids in with another family like this and that it sickens her. She told him that his little girl is messed up. She said she's witnessed the changes first hand over and over again.
Then H said...."so are you saying you don't trust my judgement as a father?"...and she said, "that's exactly what I'm saying".
She told him she was done with him and his friendship. That he wasn't welcome in her home anymore. She said she didn't see the need to continue to go on insulting him, she made her point and they hung up.
WOW!

So...then 10 minutes later....literally....he shows up at my door to pick up the kids. I wake D up from nap and bring her downstairs. She was a bit grumpy because I woke her up and we just let her wake up slowly and got things ready. I could tell H was on edge a bit. Then D starts crying saying she didn't want to go to Daddy's house. She wanted to go somewhere else with Daddy, but not to his house. Then she wanted to stay home. Then she wanted Daddy to stay home with her. Then she wanted to me to go to Daddy's house with her. It was so sad. H told her she could stay if she wanted to (I was surprised...but based on the conversation he had JUST had with BF, the wheels must be turning in his head.
D came around with some coaxing. It was all I could do to encourage her to go.....I was just trying to make fun for her. But I didn't want her to go. And dammit I don't want H to ignore this!! This is the second time she has said she doesn't want to go there. Will he listen?? Maybe now he will that he's heard first hand what an ass he's being from someone besides me!
God only knows. I pray that my kids are ok. That's all I want.

On top of all this H and I have to discuss the house because there is a chance I may stay if it looks like we're going to lose money on it. Then I think he should walk away and call it even. Yeah right.
Plus I'm still trying to finalize the custody arrangement with H and finalize the financial statements with the lawyer.

I'm feeling a bit strained. I've had really good moments of clarity where I see a bright future for myself and the kids...but it is all so marred with H and his bad decisions. It would be easier if I could cut ties with him, but I can't.

Anyway....I've babbled enough. Stay tuned, because things are about to get interesting.....
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

Good to hear from ya. I am right there with ya. Part of the hardest thing in my sitch is not being able to cut ties. For my S's sake I am glad that H comes around on a daily basis, but for my sake I believe I would have an easier time coping if H just dissapeared altogether. Seeing him daily makes it very difficult.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

Good to hear from ya. I am right there with ya. Part of the hardest thing in my sitch is not being able to cut ties. For my S's sake I am glad that H comes around on a daily basis, but for my sake I believe I would have an easier time coping if H just dissapeared altogether. Seeing him daily makes it very difficult.

[smith18]

Jenny, your H is going to wake up one day, look at that hungover winch next to him in bed, walk into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror and say "what have I done?".

[W2G]

Hi JF,

I am SOOOO happy that someone (other than you) finally had the courage to tell your H what an arse he's being. I can imagine that he's angered over the conversation. Then he'll likely convince himself that he's better off without those friends but in the end his inner voice will start talking.. he will eventually listen to it.

It makes me sad to hear how your little girl is handling this. It's so confusing for the kids. You are such a wonderful Mom. Trying to help her through this even though you'd prefer to shelter her from it all.

I'm sorry your dream home is off the market but I will now keep my fingers crossed that you manage to keep your current home.

Hugs,
W2G

[kml]

On top of all this H and I have to discuss the house because there is a chance I may stay if it looks like we're going to lose money on it. Then I think he should walk away and call it even. Yeah right.

Divorce finances should be simple math, without emotions, okay? If the house is worth less than what you owe on it, it is a LIABILITY, not an asset. Everything you own or owe should go into two columns - liabilities and assets.

For instance - if splitting up things 50:50, and you take the house which is worth $20,000 less than you owe on it - he should take, say, the $20,000 credit card debt to make it even. Both of you taking $20,000 of debt apiece. No, he won't like it, but that's the math. If he then bought himself a house worth the same as your house, you'd both be even - each of you with a fully mortgaged house AND $20,000 of extra debt. See?

Ellie

[girlfromipanema]

I'm feeling a bit strained. I've had really good moments of clarity where I see a bright future for myself and the kids...but it is all so marred with H and his bad decisions.

I admire you sooooo much. I can't even express how much admiration I have. It is unexpressable!!! ;-)

Thank God your friend finally told your h how she really felt. Chew on that a bit, Supermom's H.

[blindsided1]

Good. Good. Good. It's about time someone called him out. There is NO way he can ignore what others are saying. I'm not saying he'll make any changes because of it. Most likely he may find ways to villainize you to make himself feel better about what he's doing. You are doing all the right things, Jenny. There really isn't much more you can do. It's gonna run it's course. But, I love, love, love that your friend laid it on the line for him. And, with any luck, one day (preferably soon) H will look at OW and think... Jesus, this is what I destroyed my life for. Then he can villainize her instead.

Good luck to you.

On another note - C-section scheduled for June 19th. Getting scary.

[JennyF]

Thanks everyone for checking in....

Jenny, your H is going to wake up one day, look at that hungover winch next to him in bed, walk into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror and say "what have I done?".

LOL....thanks for the laugh Kerry!

Ellie...I have the financial doc's being sorted out with the L's to do that dividing up properly. I think it will shake out that no euqalization pmt will be necessary...so that would just leave the house. If there is 'little' equity, I expect him to sign it over no questions asked. There are many reasons why this is fair and he knows it. After I talked with him today that seemed like a possibility.

girlfromipomena...you're always so complimentary to me! Thank you!

Blindsided...I read on your thread about your C-section date. How about change scary to exciting!! I know you're nervous, trust me all will be ok. You will be ok.


Sooooooo, H came to pick up S today and we had a little chat first about the house and it sounds like he may be interested in signing the title over to me to avoid either of us losing $$. Plus he knows it would be good for D to stay here during this crazy time.
But the conversation went bad as I addressed D's behaviour yesterday when she didn't want to go to his house. He down played it again and played it all off. Long story short, we got into an argument about how I was not happy with the kids being there and it was wrong wrong wrong. By the end of it he was really pissed off at me. I mean mad. But I don't care, I'm speaking up. People may say I've been too nice and too accomodating up until this point, but I'm speaking my mind when I see this happening to my children.
But he is still oblivious.

H has an annual golf tourney on Friday with all of our best male friends. It's a big thing that my stepdad always went with him to. My stepdad decided not to go this year (even though H did invite him). But all the boys are still going. Including BF's husband (who is also my best friend) and a lot of other people with ill opinions of H right now. I think things may start to come out of the woodwork now as H begins to think more about BF told him about what everyone is saying and thinking about him.
We'll see how it goes.

J~